Friday, October 14, 2011

The stress of school and maintaining a "good enough" average is wearing on me, I make mostly high 90's but when that 86 or 84 comes around I beat myself into the ground.  I feel like a circus clown, juggling the kids, housework, classes, studying, bills, the sale of my house, running, Recovery and if I drop a ball(one of those things) everything will crumble, well I did, I dropped a very important ball, I have let my  Recovery become the last thing I bother with, I stopped following my MP cause I was to "busy" to plan, and because I became manic, then crashed...I became and am obsessed with numbers, all numbers not just calories, grades, my pulse, my blood pressure, time, where there is a number I am obsessed, strange compulsions have come about like drinking excessive amounts of water ( very knew to mean I used to restrict fluids as well) I was always dehydrated, now I am over hydrated, hypotonic to be exact.  my K level dropped ( I didnt go to DR, just had excruciating leg cramps, so I forced myself to drink Gatorade, like the real stuff not the G2, and dt pepsi, cause well there is sodium in that....anyway...I have tried unsuccessful this week to stop with the negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, compulsion's and the like, I will only drink 64 oz of O2 today, and a gatorade, and I will eat 3xs, something, even if they are spaced really far apart and I will not purge, I seem to manage 2 small meals but somehow the third raises my anxiety to new level...I will practice the three Ds Delay.. Decieding ... Distract....Delay by decieding what I need and distracting by doing what it is my body or mind really need, it may just be something as simple as resting as I dont do that much anymore.on a positive note cause this post sure needs one the kids and I went shopping and the house is now all Decorated for halloween, it look soooo cute and Im so glad we did it, its normalcy, they arent used to me being around so little and its something we always did, and it made them happy and I dont think the candy hurt either..."just one more piece ma??" I heard that line all was okay though, any who, off to start my day, pray it goes well and I shall pray for your.

oh ps I havent had a drink in lets see...since Aug 27th and I feel pretty dam good about it !!

Love, Tara

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