Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Still busted

my computer needs a new hard drive


Im so pissed

TRIGGER....numbers...sorry if you cant read numbers turn back cause I need to "purge it"

My life has become small

and full of lies

eat this...800 cal a day for 7 days no purging/....

increase 300 per week for the next 4 weeks

she says

begrudgingly I agree

I only got her to agree to that number because I convinced her any higher would lead to me vomiting...

7 days

she said

anything more I cant agree with and will recommend hospital


Im gonna lie


what if I just stop coming? then what??

can you certify me then??

I dont know

so I lie




yesterday 400 food

300 vodka

make up food list to text

good job she says

it will get easier


300 food...300 vodka

and the treadmill...its got me


and cleaning


numbers everywhere

calories, minutes, miles, hours, grams, ounces, even, odd

its so hard

but soooo much easier then dealing with whats in front of me








fucking life

life choices

I need to

step up

but Im



please dear lord have mercy on me, Im so afraid.

and so I lie

and pretend

but soon

it will be seen

I am not whole

and wonder

will I ever be....

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Im okay...well..

My computer has been very sick and has been at the doctors for over two weeks I should be getting it back in a day or 2, I feel pretty disconnected. allot of important dates have happened this month and without my blog and my dear friend to talk to I have been a bit lost..very lost very very lost...

Do you call it a laspe or a relaspe if its been going on about a month...

yeah well I just fessed up to my tx team, So I might as well fess up to you all as well, you name the behavior and I m doing it, restricting, exercising, purging, pills what else is there...and I will tell you all what I told them Im just not ready I dont feel able to keep dealing with these horrendous amount of feelings of grief and loss and loneliness, It was making me want to kill myself, so yeah I know Anorexia IS NOT the answer but right this moment I need a reprieve from it all ( the feelings, they hurt so much).

Im emotionally drained from trying so hard to keep it together...I wasnt doing that great emotionally before ( as you all know) but as his birthday, the 6 month mark of his death, then our 8 yr wedding anniversary came around I just couldnt handle yeah I lasped my mind needed to stop thinking about it now I think about numbers and right now numbers, taking care of my kids and cleaning, its keeping me alive and so right this moment that will have to do.

Im sorry if I have disappointed anyone, this is just one more blip in my journey, my heart still wants Recovery but my head tells me the only way thats gonna happen is if I dont kill myself from the emotional pain first...catch 22 huh??

okay well Im sure I will get some replies to fight harder and some may even pull the whole your killing yourself and your kids are watching it etc...believe me I know it all, but the truth is if they found me dead from taking all my pills or some other methods I have entertained that would be far worse them me going through a little laspe and then when I am better able to deal with this stuff again, tackle it...really I cant even explain what my life is like, its a battle with my children every moment, and my poor zack and alyssa is modeling his behavior because I have to spend so much time "handling" his outbursts, she wants attention too...

Im just worn out, my head is always swirling...and really some rest would be nice but because I get up at 5:30 and zack cant fall asleep til 1 am yes 1, and I am woken up each night once by alyssa and once by Isaiah I get very little rest...

it is what it is right now...

I really wish I had time to check everyone sblog right now caus eI miss you all so much but I dont, soon I hope soon.I pray everyone is well.

Love, Tara

Friday, September 10, 2010

Technical Difficulties:(

My computer has shit the bed, i m going to go and try to get it fixed today after S, ( im on my moms right now)

real quick...

pdoc took my "stock pile" as she called it, left me with just what I needed and took my clonipin, gave me 21 pills which I need to give to S today, S will dispense my meds to me 2xs a weeks ( I see her twice).

Pdoc said that at least a part of me wants to live or i wouldnt have brought in my meds, I said said yes, but when they are there the temptation is so great, like telling an alcoholic they cant drink the voodka in the closet...anyway..I will be back as soon as I am able.

I love you all so much, thankyou for such beautiful and supporting comments on my previous post, it means so much, Those of you who know my on FB please check out my page, Bella a dear friend and fellow blogger went to the world wide suicide awareness memorial service (one was held in melbourne Australia) and she placed a letter that I wrote and a picture of mike and I on the memorial wall.

((B)) I am eternally grateful.

Love, Tara

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

right so...

post number 300!!

anyway in my current state, my T, N, and pdoc have communicated...with me..with each other after hours...I was promised by all 3 they would not commit me...if you all are not from the U.S...that means not to certify...plans have been made...pills to be given to pdoc, she will then dispense to me to give to S who will give me 3 days worthg at a time...S and pdoc will talk thursday to discuss any med changes...and both will call each night...S also instructed oncall services at her practice to directly call her so that she may immediatly call me instead of me talking to some shrink I dont know ( as she knows I wont do) and that in the past has inhibited me from calling services...

I will be safe tonight

tomorrow will come

I dont know know what tomorrow will bring


it might be better

Zack had another episode

I will speak about that on his blog

I m very scared and so have moved all my meds to my car for tonight...

this will pass

this too shall pass...

The BIBLE says so

Im holding on to any hope I might have

because at the moment

swallowing the 234 pills in possesion sounds really really peaceful


I will be safe


cause tomorrow

is a new day

right so..

til tomorrow

Love, tara

(drowning in a pool of deep salt water)

salt make you float you know...

Monday, September 6, 2010


I have been touched.

a beautiful person who took the time/effort/care

to speak words of hope

stopped me from following through on plans I believed to be the only answer

two people

one who knows my every thought

and one who cared enough to listen

they have given me the courage to fight

another day...

I have been reached

I am here

because of 2 people who


I am eternally grateful

and Im sure

my children are thankful



saved thier mother

both of you

are amazing


for giving me


Love and eternally grateful


heartbroken ...can it kill you??

I feel like I am dying, my insides hurt, my body aches, my soul it feels like its leaving, Im so depressed ( not sad anymore) depressed as in overwhelming, deep, painful saddness, that sometimes leaves me sobbing in tears and other times leaves me feeling so immobile that I stare out the window at nothing and pray death comes...saturday was my sisters wedding, it was beautiful and I held it together most of the night ofcourse as the night progressed the loss became greater and greater and I numbed it out more and more with lots and lots of wine, and when I awoke the next morning after about 4 hrs of sleep the pain...was so intense that I believed I was dying...I longed for it...but Im still here obviously, my kids felt it too, we were all exhausted but we couldnt sleep really we cried allot, missing him, missing him so deeply that our souls and spirits were being crushed, sufficated under the wieght of such a loss...his birthday is 1 week from today, Im really unsure if I can do this. For Fucks sake a person can only bare so much...

Im thinking of quiting tx, I know it may not be smart but maybe secretly I want to quit, so that I can just die, I know that if I quit, I will relaspe, and it will probablly kill me this time, I know I know my kids, but they hate me anyway, they would be happier with my friend alexis, she is thier childrens pastor I have known her since I was an infant, she s a wonderful amazing person, she gets them if I die...

Im crying as I type this because i want to want to live, but I dont rigfht now, its scary, its very scary to think that I am putting my own selfish wants above what would be best for my babies...thats what he did, I dont want to be like him, but this..this horrendous gut wrentching pain feels like more then I can bare...

maybe god will have mercy on us, and just take us all at once...sometimes I pray for that...these thoughts...tell me I getting ill and twisted because normal people dont feel like this do they??

Im asking cause right now..I dont know...

Im heartbroken...and really I think its killing me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It didnt work

Its september.

Panic, Fear, exhaustion, Panic, Tears, Terror, Guilt, Shame, panic, Unknown, Fear, Terror, Panic...

I have been fitful, tearful and restless for some time now...and its getting worse, last nights tear fest was the culmanation of weeks (months) of fears and anxietys ...

I cantdont seeing it get much better.

and my contact is still in my eye, at least it feels that now I have 3 contacts in...2 being in one eye...

really I m sucha joy to be around