Monday, September 6, 2010

heartbroken ...can it kill you??

I feel like I am dying, my insides hurt, my body aches, my soul it feels like its leaving, Im so depressed ( not sad anymore) depressed as in overwhelming, deep, painful saddness, that sometimes leaves me sobbing in tears and other times leaves me feeling so immobile that I stare out the window at nothing and pray death comes...saturday was my sisters wedding, it was beautiful and I held it together most of the night ofcourse as the night progressed the loss became greater and greater and I numbed it out more and more with lots and lots of wine, and when I awoke the next morning after about 4 hrs of sleep the pain...was so intense that I believed I was dying...I longed for it...but Im still here obviously, my kids felt it too, we were all exhausted but we couldnt sleep really we cried allot, missing him, missing him so deeply that our souls and spirits were being crushed, sufficated under the wieght of such a loss...his birthday is 1 week from today, Im really unsure if I can do this. For Fucks sake a person can only bare so much...

Im thinking of quiting tx, I know it may not be smart but maybe secretly I want to quit, so that I can just die, I know that if I quit, I will relaspe, and it will probablly kill me this time, I know I know my kids, but they hate me anyway, they would be happier with my friend alexis, she is thier childrens pastor I have known her since I was an infant, she s a wonderful amazing person, she gets them if I die...

Im crying as I type this because i want to want to live, but I dont rigfht now, its scary, its very scary to think that I am putting my own selfish wants above what would be best for my babies...thats what he did, I dont want to be like him, but this..this horrendous gut wrentching pain feels like more then I can bare...

maybe god will have mercy on us, and just take us all at once...sometimes I pray for that...these thoughts...tell me I getting ill and twisted because normal people dont feel like this do they??

Im asking cause right now..I dont know...

Im heartbroken...and really I think its killing me.

3 comments:

Melanie said...

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Your kids do need you- I lost my father when I was 14 and there was nobody good enough that ever could have replaced him. He had his faults (drug addict) but he was my father. I can guarantee that your kids would feel the same.
Please don't quit treatment. This is the time when you need all the support you can get.
I'll be reading. Be safe.

Lisa said...

there is a reason heartbroken is called being heartbroken. You feel like your heart is breaking. The heart is the body's main organ to function so it's quite fair to say what you did...and I wish I could wave a magic wand and have things be better for you...

take care, stay strong, u can hold on and do this ( recovery )
xoxo
-Lisa

lisalisa said...

I will pray for you every night until you get through this...please don't give up!

XOLisa