Sunday, September 26, 2010

Im okay...well..

My computer has been very sick and has been at the doctors for over two weeks I should be getting it back in a day or 2, I feel pretty disconnected. allot of important dates have happened this month and without my blog and my dear friend to talk to I have been a bit lost..very lost very very lost...

Do you call it a laspe or a relaspe if its been going on about a month...

yeah well I just fessed up to my tx team, So I might as well fess up to you all as well, you name the behavior and I m doing it, restricting, exercising, purging, pills what else is there...and I will tell you all what I told them Im just not ready I dont feel able to keep dealing with these horrendous amount of feelings of grief and loss and loneliness, It was making me want to kill myself, so yeah I know Anorexia IS NOT the answer but right this moment I need a reprieve from it all ( the feelings, they hurt so much).

Im emotionally drained from trying so hard to keep it together...I wasnt doing that great emotionally before ( as you all know) but as his birthday, the 6 month mark of his death, then our 8 yr wedding anniversary came around I just couldnt handle yeah I lasped my mind needed to stop thinking about it now I think about numbers and right now numbers, taking care of my kids and cleaning, its keeping me alive and so right this moment that will have to do.

Im sorry if I have disappointed anyone, this is just one more blip in my journey, my heart still wants Recovery but my head tells me the only way thats gonna happen is if I dont kill myself from the emotional pain first...catch 22 huh??

okay well Im sure I will get some replies to fight harder and some may even pull the whole your killing yourself and your kids are watching it etc...believe me I know it all, but the truth is if they found me dead from taking all my pills or some other methods I have entertained that would be far worse them me going through a little laspe and then when I am better able to deal with this stuff again, tackle it...really I cant even explain what my life is like, its a battle with my children every moment, and my poor zack and alyssa is modeling his behavior because I have to spend so much time "handling" his outbursts, she wants attention too...

Im just worn out, my head is always swirling...and really some rest would be nice but because I get up at 5:30 and zack cant fall asleep til 1 am yes 1, and I am woken up each night once by alyssa and once by Isaiah I get very little rest...

it is what it is right now...

I really wish I had time to check everyone sblog right now caus eI miss you all so much but I dont, soon I hope soon.I pray everyone is well.

Love, Tara


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Recover for you. Remember — LIVE.


lisalisa said...

I'm glad you posted; I was worried (well ok I'm still worried)! I pray for you every night.

Have you gone to any suicide survivor's support groups? Maybe talking about it with others who understand the pain might help....


belinda said...

oh honey,
i have missed you greatly and god, i feel your pain. i believe i have posted very similar words in relation to the grief being so overwhelming and needing that little break.. enter a/n :(

it doesn't work though, in reality, does it? i mean.. it's really fucking hard to have a "bit of anorexia". i wish there was an easier way babe.

all i can share with you is that while these dates are horrible and triggering.. you are just going to have to trust me when i say it DOES get easier. yup, i have some really shitful low times but i also have some truly amazing moments too. i know you hon, i know this hurts like hell, i know you want (and deserve) a break from the horror. and it will come (but not with a/n, i'm sorry to say).

i wish i was there to help you, to hold you and enjoy a vodka or 3, to remind you that there is beauty in this life because babe.. there is.


Eating Alone said...

Glad you fessed up to your team. I wouldn't worry so much about what to call just as long as your trying to fix it. I find that when I stop blogging for a while it is ussually because I don't want to have to write that I'm struggleing.

Get the help you need. And we will keep on reading.

Anonymous said...

hi sweety, it doesn't work. We've all thought that it would, that it might, but it doesn't. The depression deepens, the physiological effects of purging and starving and exercising destroy us in more ways than we can imagine, and yet we keep telling ourselves that this IS the better option. I don't believe that this is the choice you have, Tara - betweem dying and anorexia. It's a false choice, it's a choice you're setting up so that anorexia feels reasonable to you.

B is so wise.

You have been through much more than most of us could bear. I understand your desire to die, to leave this world, but I also know you want a life with your kids, I know you want a future, I know you want to hug those babies and watch them grow into fine adults, and that's why I know know know you can find another choice, to trust your team, to get support for yourself, to get through this.

I have a lot of hope, my friend. Dont distinguish that hope by creating this false choice.

Anonymous said...

hey, that was me, Zub :)

Zena said...

hey lovers,

Thankyou all for your wonderful comments ( sister stayed over last night with her computer so I can catch a moment before I need to get the kids up for school...mine should be back tomorrow YEAH!!!)

Okay so first off, because my desire to save my children from anymore pain I confessed to my team, which also mean they will not sit back and watch me kill myself, promptly or over a period of time, I saw K yesterday, she asked about how the week had gone, I was honest SHITTY, moments of wanting to die, great saddness, feeling so alone and overwhelmed, but also I saw a few moments of hope, I have once again agreed to a minimal mp, ( as to stop the purging, BREAK THE CYCLE) its for a week, then she will increase by a few hundered per week...honostly yesterday was sorta a succes, until the last "mini meal when I panicked because I went over "the number " I will try again today, I dont want to even think about next week or really how I have to struggle with again, when all I really want (not really but feels that way) is to make my world small so noone can hurt me and in my disease everything becomes small and managable ( deception) children deserve better then loseing 2 parents, I need to try harder, I need to muster whatever strength I have left and try to fight, I cany promise that at the moment I will be very successful but I am still going to try because in reality when I dig deep, I really just want all thses burdens lifted, I really just want to be every meaning of the word.

Love, Tara

Anonymous said...

I always motivated by you, your views and attitude, again, thanks for this nice post.

- Norman

belinda said...

you can be free and you will be :)
congrats on the break through because we all know, all too well that to break the cycle it a major step right?!

don't worry about next week, just do what you have to do in this moment.

there may be days of black and grey but there will definitely be days of yellow, pink, red and green and your heart will be full of love and light. it happens babe, i don't know how, i cannot give you a date nor a time but i can promise you that it comes.

all this trauma and tragedy. it's horrid beyond words but it makes you stronger. i think you might already be a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, my love. it's true, i've seen your journey, not just these painful past 6mths but for many years. you are carrying your pain and holding your head high.

i love you, so so much

belinda said...

by the way...
i'm on the edge of my seat awaiting your return to the electronic world