Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Still busted

my computer needs a new hard drive

FUCKER

Im so pissed


TRIGGER....numbers...sorry if you cant read numbers turn back cause I need to "purge it"







My life has become small

and full of lies

eat this...800 cal a day for 7 days no purging/....


increase 300 per week for the next 4 weeks

she says

begrudgingly I agree

I only got her to agree to that number because I convinced her any higher would lead to me vomiting...

7 days

she said

anything more I cant agree with and will recommend hospital

wtf

Im gonna lie

bastards

what if I just stop coming? then what??

can you certify me then??

I dont know

so I lie

yes

800

yup

yesterday 400 food

300 vodka

make up food list to text

good job she says

it will get easier

today

300 food...300 vodka

and the treadmill...its got me

bastard

and cleaning

numbers

numbers everywhere

calories, minutes, miles, hours, grams, ounces, even, odd

its so hard

but soooo much easier then dealing with whats in front of me

pain

hell

lonliness

pain

grief

horror

nightmares

fucking life

life choices

I need to

step up

but Im

so

SCARED.

please dear lord have mercy on me, Im so afraid.

and so I lie

and pretend

but soon

it will be seen

I am not whole

and wonder

will I ever be....

3 comments:

jadedchalice said...

this i totally understand. I dont know what i can say without being a hypocrite. I hope that you are ok. much love.

D

belinda said...

no lectures here
BUT
i challenge you to read my blog when i was at the 6mth mark, i was reading it last night. maybe it will help you to see that there is light babe.

be careful honey. x

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Stay safe. We are all here for you.

*hugs*

Angela