Possibly Triggering If you are in a bad spot
"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"
Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.
I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...
really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.
I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.