Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The next 5 minutes

Possibly Triggering If you are in a bad spot










"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"

Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.

I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...

really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.

I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.

Tara

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

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Good Night

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Oh Tara!

I wish I knew what to say. Just know I'm here. The person you are hasn't died, she's just buried under all the hopelessness and despair and the eating disorder. You are more than a shell and you deserve to live a healthy and happy life. Keep trying.

*hugs*

Angela

Melanie said...

Tara I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I wish there was something I could do or say, but I know there isn't. Thinking of you.

lisalisa said...

um, anonymous you are an A*hole, Tara's post had nothing to do with poker..very insensitive....

Tara, I am praying hard that you can get throught this. I am glad that you are staying in this world for you kids...whatever gets you through...but I am sorry you are in such agony...wish I could do something....((((hug))))

XOLisa

Alexandra Rising said...

<3

firefly said...

I think the first message was spam. Know there is a purpose for those who wait! I can't do this on my own, so I give you all control! Hang in there!

belinda said...

i am crying
love and miss you
this is hard, it is.
i wish i could make time go faster to get you a place where you feel the sun, the light and love again. it does come honey. i know right now these are just words, sometimes i feel like they are just words but there will be days where you see the slightest shimmer. hold onto that. photograph it, draw it, hold it to your heart.

x

Zena said...

anonymous, span or not you are a hole, I love you all I wish...dont know, I wish I didnt feel this way, but it seems so much more then a feeling it feels like its the truth...my prayer is that God will come while I am sleeping and take us all to heaven...as for right now apparently its the next five minutes, which means nothing to me because the minutes, hours, days all blend together, into one ball of shit...wow Im super positive, never in my life have I ever felt such complete despair and hopelessness ...Im sorry...I love you all

Tara

belinda said...

love,
i do not ever want to interfere with what your team are advising you..
however, maybe bring up with them about how this 5 minute existence is getting you down?

it's true, sometimes we need to hold on to these small goals to get us thru the day. and it takes sooooo much courage to micro manage in this way.

but i'm thinking.... (uh oh!)
would it be constructive to plan something in beyond the 5 minutes? you are working so hard. you need little rewards and things to look forward to. it doesn't have to be anything major. i was kinda thinking along the lines of... after getting thru a patch of 5 minutes that are especially hard (like around meal times etc), could you PLAN to treat yourself? that includes sitting down (yes, i think thats a good idea) and moisturise your hands with some really beautiful hand cream. doesn't sound like much i know but it's these little things that give us a break from the hard work and they make us feel good, even if it seems like it's just our skin that is now feeling silky smooth ;)
anyway, just an idea to bring up with S. you can tell me to shut up, i wont mind :p

if i was with you, i would bring you lots of nice lotions to try out and a huge bunch of roses so that you couldn't help but take time out to stop and smell them.

love you chica.
x

Zena said...

Bella,

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...I right now have this lovely peach mango lotion sitting in my bathroom upstairs, my hands are so dry, it would feel so nice to massage them with that nice sweet smelling lotion. You know what love, Im going to do that right now...at least my next few minutes will be pleasant...S wants me to set these goals of like going to a book store and finding myself a book, then like actually read it...that would be like hundreds and hundreds of minutes...that I cant do but putting some lotion on my hands..that I can...and that I will.

Love you