Thursday, October 14, 2010

Open your eyes...

So she says to the girl who is blinded...

Blinded by pain, grief, anger, fear, uncertainty, hopelessness....did I mention fear...

of being alone, failing, living, wanting to live, of forgetting, of remembering, of dreaming...

Ed numbs me, always has, but

It will eventually lead me down, down to deep despair, (could it be deeper?? S thinks so)physical, mental and emotional despair...

"you will end up in the hospital."

she says

I repeat over and over, "I will not go" my mind only thinking of ED hospital, "I wont go, no one can force me, Im not going"

"I know you refuse IP, but my thought is that if you collapse they will take you to the medical hospital, you will then be forced to stay because Dr. A and I will say you are unable to make your own decisions and so you will be then forced into IP, if your cardiac situation dose not kill you before we get you there..."

really??

am I that sick??

not yet

but I opened my eyes, I see...

S went through the check list of symptoms that landed me in medical the last 2 times, and I am doing them all, quicker and more severe then the previous times...she called me "severe" and said I had a "disabling disorder" that "WILL" kill me, or at the very least damage me to the point of having a much " poorer quality of life"

first thought

could my quality of life get any worse??

Im miserable...most of the time

most

not every waking moment but most

so

not every waking moment ...thats something

I will hold onto the "not every waking moments"

and remember, it might get better...it could, it doesnt feel that way, but it could right?, its a possibility as much as it is it could get worse ( which is where my mind goes) it could get better, I will hold that close to me...

I didnt purge monday or tuesday, I had some yogurt ( and a quarter of a bagel :) not the same one lol but part of a bagel)

I didnt purge yet today and I wont, I will do my best.

I dont want to let go of my ED, but ....

cause Im so afraid,

but they need me, and not any more damaged then i already am, Im gonna to try, I need to, I am so afraid, but I will try...I love you all for your support...thankyou.

and my sweet darling Bella, my hard drive is a fucker and dell is a fucker and Im pissed so pissed I might go buy a new computer, cause really how long can a girl wait..K says just go buy it...the good news, all is wrapped and ready to be sent TOMORROW...belated birthday, early Christmas...lol, I cant wait to head to the post office:)

Love, Tara

ps

If you know that I went by Zena, it was because she was a warier princess...a fighter...and I am I am Warier, I always fight in the end...I will fight before its the end.

3 comments:

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Be that warrior and fight ED! Otherwise, you are right - it can only get worse. You could lose everything, including your life.

Fight and LIVE!

*Hugs*

Angela

Eating Alone said...

Please do something for those moments. I don't want you to go back to the hospital!

Hugs and prayers.

belinda said...

love and miss you chickadee!
so much is going on & i cannot wait to talk to you. why is it upgrading (ie, computers/phones etc) is so damn high maintenance?? rah!

1/ you know you don't want hospital
2/ you DO KNOW that things WILL get worse if you continue the ed route
3/ you are an inspirational warrior and i fucking love you to bits!

Xx