Tuesday, October 26, 2010

missing

there is a huge hole in me, I dont know what it is, I dont know how to fill it. I miss something I have never had so I dont know what it is, and it leaves me so so empty. I cry from the emptiness. I cry from, not knowing, what it is that I am missing...but I feel it this huge gaping hole in my body and I just cry because I dont know how to make it go away. How can I miss something that I never had, I mean, I never had it right?? I dont know. But I feel so so empty, and it aches, I feel like I am just a walking shell, that my soul is missing, that somewhere along the years, (teenage) I didnt evolve as I should have so I filled this hole with my eating disorder, and I drank allot in high school, so I just numbed myself to this feeling of not feeling.

and from 18 to 30 I was with Mike, and he filled the emptiness with chaos and shame, but it was still filled...

I am so lost, I am so sad and now my sister needs the computer, so I cant even finish my thoughts, I will cry again and try to figure out some non destructive way to fill the void but really, it feels like it may never go away, and who wants to live feeling like a empty shell...

yup, Im a downer AGAIN.

5 comments:

lisalisa said...

It's ok to be a "downer", this is your blog! You dont have to put on a happy face for us!

I can relate to this so much. I have this feeling too. It's so hard to describe. For me, it's like feeling terribly homesick when you are in your own home. Or feeling lonely when you are surrounded by your friends. In AA they call it "the hole in your soul".

I guess I still havent figured out what to do about it, so I don't have any great advice (wish I did). I'm sorry you are hurting so much!

I was reading through some of my old posts from last year and some of the comments you made. I was touched by how much you care and some of the things you wrote. Tara, you are a kind, generous, carring person who has been through alot and has so much to offer the world! I hope someday you can see that you are a good and worthwhile person and can find the happiness you deserve!

XOLisa

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I can understand that hole; I feel it it often. Anorexia filled if for a while; now that I'm trying to recovery, it's like I'm an airless space and can't breathe. So often I just can't breathe.

You are a wonderful person who deserves happiness and a good life, and you can achieve it, but it will take time, hon. Just know I am here praying for you. I wish I had better answers.

*hugs*
Angela

firefly said...

Thinking of you!!!!

belinda said...

hope you are ok lovely.
miss you
x

kris said...

Filling that void is a difficult task. From what I know (which is probably very little), they say it gets easier and easier with time. I don't know how much time they are talking about though, because it feels like a constant battle. For me, when I got into recovery, I tried to fill the void with family and friends and all of the hobbies that my ED had made it impossible to have. I have to say, that did work, for a while. But in life things are always changing and you lose things that help you to fill the void and gain new things to fill it. It's the time in between those transitions that seems the hardest. You are not at all alone in having these thoughts though -- if that's any consolation.

I hope that something happy will come along in your life soon. Until then, the best advice I can think of is to focus on appreciating the small things in life -- even something so simple as a pretty sunny day outside. You are a very strong person and you certainly deserve to have a happy life ahead of you.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice for you :(

~take care