Wednesday, November 10, 2010


First I just want to say a huge thankyou to those of you who left such beautiful comments on my last post, you dont know how much it meant to come back 2 weeks later and read them, I NEED A COMPUTER, but really its my own fault that it isnt fixed, I mean, I would need to stay on the phone with Dell for like 4 hours and that doesnt really fit into my exercise, the cleaning, panicking, OCD schedule.

They are fiddling with my meds, but my panic ATTACKS are out of control, at least once a day most of the time, it just comes out of nowhere, I cant predict it, so it makes me really afraid to leave my house, my life has boiled down to going to the gym, appointments, going back and forth to my kids school, and shopping compulsivly at Target, its a very sad sad life, when I am home, all I do is clean, the SAME things OVER and OVER again, oh and I cook allot, food that I cant...wont eat, right now its cant, I really just cant do it, I have lost all will to try, its to hard causes to much anxiety and I already have so much of it anyway, that anything that makes it worse I just cant handle.

They say as you get older and have had an eating disorder for as long as I have that the relaspe's are so much harder and faster on your body, I have been in denial, but its true, at the gym last night my hand went numb and tingling as I ran, I was so afraid I was having a heart attack but I couldnt stop, I had to make it the number I set in my head, I did go home and have some gatorade but only because I was afraid of having a heart attack, and if I m going to die its going to be because I decieded to not at some random time, I was scared enough that I drank the dreaded poison water ( I KNOW ITS NOT BUT i HATE BECAUSE AT RENFREW i HAD TO DRINK LIKE LIKE 3 24 oz bottles of it every day, I grew to hate that shit).

I am a walking disaster, my meds are at S's office...STILL...because I cant be trusted, which i know, but it makes me feel so out of control, so defensless against the the thoughts of ending it, I cant, messy would be horriable for the kids, it would all be horriable for them that s why I agreed to hand them over..pdoc, sees me every week and now I have to do phone check kins 2xs a week, or they said they might section me, certify me, lock me away without my permission, the only thing I am doing right is my kids, I spend lots of time with them, once a week I take one of them on a date, we read and do homework everyday, they are always clean and well fed, they never miss appointments, and now zack is on meds and I do that perfectly, thats the thing though...everything must be perfect, the wierd thing, is that I dont want to lose anymore wieght, then people can tell my secret and will try to help me and I dont deserve it, I dont want to eat, but I dont want anyone to know either (my tx team knows, they are very concerned and throw the hospital word around like its a ball, which isnt going to happen, I might consider partial after the holidays but til then I am just trying to stay afloat) tired, and i need to go finish cooking the dinner i cant eat..I wish I had a magic want to make this last yr just not have happened, its so awful, its just been so awful, and Im so alone, and I miss my bella, so much I ache, I love you darling, I hope you see this, I miss you.



Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Know I'm here if you need me and I am praying for you. I was watching to see when you posted; I've been worried about you.


belinda said...

i'm glad you have posted an update, i too was worried... am worried.

you know i love and miss you too pumpkin. i wish i had the magic wand for you, for me.. for anyone that has to suffer.

key word that stuck out in this post, for me... deserve.
give me one good reason why you don't deserve more than this? ;)
i can give you many.

e/d is a bitch, we all know it all too well unfortunately. recovery is hard, you are right about that however.. i do happen to know that while it is bloody difficult it is possible. you too have seen windows of it over the years that i have known you. oh, and when you talk about not dying unless you choose it (and having a heart attack at the gym)... darlin, that IS choosing it :(
you cannot play games with the signs your body is telling you. you know the outcome..
best case.. hospital
worst case.. death.
i know you don't want either.

stay strong babe.
hold on, i know you can ride this out.


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belinda said...

so glad i caught you online the other day, even if it was brief.

love you to pieces babe.