Thursday, April 29, 2010


Im pretty sure I have talked about this before, you know the "missing" rational mind. I KNOW I have one I have seen and actually even used it before...but mine is a tricky little bugger, he hides on me allot. Sometimes under my bed, sometimes in closets, refrigerators, I even found him once in purse attached to a little sticky note S had written to me about "Food is medicine" and "I have inner strength that I didnt even know was there." So I know hes around, Its like a marco polo game, I call out to him with my eyes closed and he moves every time I get close to him..I'm never really sure where he is BUT I do know he's there so I keep searching and calling out for him.

This morning I captured him...haha, Sucks my little hiding friend but I am now putting you in a nice blue box with a nice tight lid on it and whenever I need you I will know where you are! Sorry buddy I know you like your freedom but when you elude me like you like to do, sometimes drastic measures must be taken, Its not like I want to hurt you, I dont, I just need you, so at least now I know where you will be in the box!!

But dont worry you wont be alone in the box, there will be pictures of Alyssa, and Zack and Isaiah, Mike will be there too so you can play marco polo with him,( as you clearly eluded him as well) there will also be lots of qoutes, and postive afermatations, so you will be able to read, you will also have some silly putty and beading material to play with, oh and I know you like to color so yes even though Its somewhat childish if you get really bored you can always color, I find it very distracting and it passes the time so Dear Rational mind you are mine, you are here to stay. SORRY, but I found you and you are stuck!!!

I would also like to just thank you for not giving me the hardest time trying to find you, maybe you were only half awake when I caught you, but it was nice not playing the marco polo game with you, I was tired too.

So my Dear Rational mind, even though you are now in captivity I hope we can become friends, that one day you wont need to be kept in our little blue box, maybe you will just sit on my shoulder and just whisper sweet nothings in my ear, but for now you have a new home! If you want can even throw a boost in there too...Do you want chocolate or vanilla? ...sorry we are all out of strawberry. :)

Okay my friend I will be back to visit with you in an about an hour, just rest while you can, we have allot of work to do!!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Freaking SHIT!!!

K called...shes been "mulling" it over and she thinks it would be best to increase now instead of later...ummmm what??? I thought WE made the decision as in together to wait 2 weeks!! What the HELL are you freaking kidding like really...Im all for Recovery but one thing I can not stand is CHANGE!!! Dont tell me one thing then change it, without consulting me!!!

I get it, I have an EATING DISORDER, I see these PROFESSIONALS to help me get well but I am still a person, and yes I dont always do the right thing but freak at least lets discuss it, help me rationalize, dont just tell me, give me 2 min. and say okay I will talk to you later....believe me when she calls Im going to let her know that " freaking freaked me out massively and didnt even give me a chance to process it"..."DONT DO THAT!!!"

I can barely do what I am doing now, without wanting to rip off my flesh...actually I do want to RIP OFF MY FLESH!!!....seriously what am I going to do now...seriously I am about to now instead of 1 boost and a fruit I need 2 boosts and a's 8:25 THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE ....unless i want to lay on my bed and writhe in pain...which I do NOT....

maybe Im being ridiculous...and throwing a tantrum but this sucks...SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!

cry for me.

sympathize with me.

tell it will all be okay.

Im going t o meltdown.

and yes I do realize with all the horribleness that has occurred in the last 6 weeks I should not be freaking on food....but maybe thats why i am.


K just texted..."to see how Im doing?" and "when my ED doc apt.?" shes going t o email doc my least shes doing that, trying to get me out of having to lie half naked on a table with electrodes posted all over my body...aka..EKG. Dont want it...Dont need it...Ain't gonna do it.....FUCKING EATING DISORDER!!!! YOU MAKE ME MISERABLE....GO AWAY!!!!

end of rant.

sorry the end


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

what to do // WHAT TO DO?

Its early so I dont feel like going through the whole explanation of the K appointment ...(for new followers K is my Dietitian)so just go back and read "stupid post" from yesterday morning...

anyway I need to make a decision THE RIGHT preferably...


okay Im going to try to follow MP that I have had since day 3 of refeeding, yesterday was kinda messy but I am going to MAKE myself take a time out to eat even if Im busy...I hate stopping in the middle of things...I have my alarm set on my phone to "remind" me so Im just going to eat when it goes off. wish me luck on that one :)

amyway I was thinking Mike was to be 40 September 13th of this year and I want to have like a big memorial/celebration of his life, Im going to talk, play some of his favorite music, talk about what he had wanted to accomplish in his life, show a photo slide show...and NOT feel horriable thats hes dead but celebrate the life he had here on earth and take joy in the fact that he has eternity with our Lord, and that one day we will all be together and we will have the rest of eternity to be with each, with no pain, no sickness,no anger, no alcoholism and no eating disorder, Im crying now but its okay cause I know that forever is a long time and no of us know what tomorrow or even today will bring for that matter....anyway after the inside celebration of his life I want to buy as many sky blue ballons (his favorite color) (Thanks Brie for the idea) and have everyone attach a small not to each ballon, or maybe write on it something they want to tell him, maybe something they never got a chance to...I know I have things to write...then we will all let are ballons go. We will watch then acend to heaven and take joy in the fact that I know he will be watching and waiting for those ballons(and the notes attached)to reach him, I know he will watching, smiling down knowing how much he was loved....I miss him guys, I miss him allot, what I wouldnt give to hear him say "the fact of the matter is..." gosh he said that ALL the time...

anyway I got get the kids on the do you think its a good idea, if you have any other suggestions as to what else I could do...feel free to let me know, I want this day to be special, I know there will be tears of sadness but I pray there will also be tears of peace and joy knowing our Boy is resting peacefully in the arms of our Lord.

okay really gotta go

Love always, Tara

Monday, April 26, 2010

My children Athletica!!!

okay so I took like crap loads of pics but most i did (by accident in some kind of video form...and that takes FOREVER to here is just a few...dont worry there are lots more games so you'll get to see more PROMISE!!

If you didnt read my update about the weigh in go back to last post I think I was pretty thorough.


Love Tara

Stupid post..

Im going to post some pretty awesome shots of my kids and their athletic endeavours later ( if law sis dosent steal my computer before I get to:(

just want to say that EKKKKKK today is weigh day I LOATH mondays...dammed if I do and dammed if I dont by 2 different personality's of course...wahhhhh

and I am so excited cause I saw that I have 42 followers instead of 38...(which I had for a very long time does this mean Im more likable or just vain ? :)

Love ME

Friday, April 23, 2010

Im okay

I realized its been a bit since I posted for numerous reasons...#1 being my soon to be attorney sister needed le computer because hers crapped out and its finals...#2 super busy with kids and their school and their various sports activities and now that there are 3 yes THREE of us in therapy, plus my N and pdoc apt....that makes a total of 6 appointments that I have to attend every its been crazy busy and (EXPENSIVE) but the kids totally need it, as do I. #3 I had to prepare to be in my sisters mock trial for a final exam grade in one of her classes, Real judge, Real court, Real(kinda) jury...and you will never guess the role I had to play...yes the grieving widow (it was planned 3 weeks before Mike died) anyway I was like the star witness ...on the stand for like an hour...I saw my husband get shot...( after the trial the judge gives constructive criticism, but first he said "Ms. Summers" ( that was my name in the trial) "are you a law student?" me: "no" "well what do you do for a living?" me: "I a mom to 3 kids" "well" he says " you should be an actress...your performance was tremendous!! Have you ever considered acting? Really you could make a career out of it" Me: thanks but I dont think so...him "just something to consider..." so yeah before he gave his constructive criticism , he told me how great I was...Yeah me ( ps NEVER WOULD I GO INTO ACTING...ummmm TO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE THIN) but it was nice to be told that.#4 I have been busy calling legislators, major and minority leaders, the Health committee chairmen, the Senator Finance committee Chairmen, The Health committee chairmen and the Like to advocate for the restoration of funding for the New York State Comprehensive Care center's for Eating Disorders (NYCCCED'S) There are three centers across NY one in Albany where I live, one in Rochester and one somewhere else I cant remember...anyway if you are reading this in NY call your local assemblyman and ask for the "restoration of funding for the New York State Comprehensive Care Centers for Eating Disorders", Please do it for me, and if you get a hold of anyone, tell what your asking for and share a little of your story and how your life has been affected by your Eating Disorder and how it would be so beneficial for you to be able to receive all of your tx (Psychological, nutritional,and medical care all in one facility and how great it would be if your tx team was connected to any and all residential, partial hospitalizations or any other tx you may need, that if it was all through one continuum of care if would greatly help you in your recovery process and would make transitions much easier because you would not have to update your tx team on any advances/setbacks in your recovery they would already know because all of the care professionals would have already been in constant contact) feel free to write that down and call your legislator....anyway thats what I have been doing...ohh and ummm grieving the loss of my husband, but thats mostly at night when I put the kids to bed and my brain wont shut off and the images in my head become more then I can bare...but anyway..I will write up a proper post soon..I have a couple Im working on, but none Im ready to post...


Happy Friday

Love, Me

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Seriously I m trying...but Im loseing my shit!

Im trying to keep this blog positive, I really truly am. But I am completely losing it.

My thoughts never stop.

Im on a constant Gerbil wheel of thoughts and they are not good.

I cant bare this pain.

what he was thinking...did he change his mind? was it to late? did he try to save himself? Did it hurt. what was he thinking in those 3 minutes it took to die?

Was he scared?

why did he do this?

Didnt he think of us? what this would do to me??

I lay in bed and I cant get the thoughts to stop...

I am so fucking distraught and no one seems to get it...

you need to live your life Tara, Live your truth!

Fuck my Truth!

Fuck it all!

It hurt to much to eat....I feel to much when I hurts to much... I cant take it...

I want the bottom of the mountain...i know it..its may not be safe...but right now i just dont fucking care...

just make it stop...some one please make it fucking stop

im sorry im sorry to you guys, im sorry to just fucking sorry

god i just cant take it

I need a little...maybe you do to.

If you follow me on FB, then these may not all be new to you, but if you dont...then well I hope you find some courage today... (and even if you do follow me on FB I think they bare repeating)

"It takes allot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life and in change there id power."

Alan Cohen

"Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dared to win."

Bernadette Devlin

"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there only joy in the world"

Hellen Keller

"Whoever said anybody has a right to give up?"

Marian Wright Edelman

"Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength."

author unknown

"God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight"

Reggie White

"Courage doesnt always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

Mary Anne Radmacher

Have some courage today my friends ...sometimes its the hardest thing to find but its there we just need to look...see I made it easy for you:)

love, Tara

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Love Letter

My dear Mike,

I am writing this letter to you in hopes that it will somehow help us to heal. My darling, I dont know what happened, I dont know what you were thinking but I know you would never leave us unless you were in such unbearable pain that you couldnt see your way out. I am not angry with you, I am only greatly saddened that your alcoholism took away your ability to see any hope in the future. I think about you every day especially when the day is done and there is nothing but night silence, I still think I can hear you, and sometimes I talk to you, if not out loud in my head. Mostly I just tell you how sorry I am, how I forgive you for all the past hurts and I forgive you for the hurts that are yet to come...I promise to remember the good things about you, your love for our Lord, the out doors, our children, me. I will always tell our children how much you loved them, they will never know the way you died, you will be left as a hero in their hearts.

I want you to remember all the good things I remember, like on out first anniversary, how we went to connecticut and stayed in that beautiful resort in the middle of nowhere, how we went horse back riding, and they couldnt find a helmet to fit your big old head:), how you rode that horse not because you wanted to but because I did. How we went on that 5 mile walk around the grounds, and you hated every moment of didnt complain but I know you did cause you hated to exercise... I looked over at you all huffing and puffing and said I was so sorry for making you come and you said "it didnt matter what we were doing as long as you were with me you were happy", I know I smiled so big and then called you a liar, cause I knew you were suffering;)...we ate, we laughed, we shopped...the eating was for you but everything else we did that weekend was for me!

Remember the Birth of our first born, Alyssa...your little girl, your angel...I was in labor for 22 hours and pushed for so long, and when i saw her i cried cause her poor little head was all misshapen, but you just held her, and said "she was the most beautiful think you had ever laid your eyes on...paused then said next to you of course..Mike she will always be your princess, and I will always tell her that.

and of course there was dear Zachary, it was aweful back labor and i was in hell, and you ran around screaming at the nurses to get in that doctor cause i needed pain relief NOW!!! we fought over what his name would be but I won cause who could fight with a women pushing out a baby:) we was so precious and when little Alyssa held him for the first time you cried.

and Isaiah, How at exactly the exact same moment we called each other and said I know what his name will be and on the count of three...we both said Isaiah at the same time...and we laughed and said "well apparently great minds think alike!!)

How at each of my residential stays you will a single dad, when i was at renfrew you drove 6 hours with 3 kids ages 4 and under to come see me every weekend, knowing full well when you got there i would beg you to take me home and i would be mad at you the whole time for not bringing me back with you, i would ignore you and only play and talk to our kids, but you came back weekend after weekend knowing what you would get.

I remember being at Remuda not having seen my kids in 7 weeks, and you coming for family week and I ran to you and leaped into your arms, I could have stayed there in that moment forever...During family week, during 'truth and love' you apologized for all the wrongs you have ever committed to me, in front of my whole family and 21 strangers you admitted your alcoholism, the abuse you inflicted on me, and you took some of the responsibility for my illness...we both cried and cried and you professes your love...and when the time came that you were allowed to say whatever you wanted to said "I have no words to describe how proud I am of her...and you leaned over and put in the CD by Craig Morgan, and played the song "and I thought I was tough"...and again I cried again and cried too..and i couldnt believe after all i had put you through you actually thought I was strong!

Mike our relationship has been tough to say the least, but there was a reason we were together foe 12 years, there was a reason, I spent my entire adult life with you, we loved, we laughed, we suffered and struggled, we had three beautiful children that will be a constant reminder of you...and we did it all together.

I want you to know Mike, I forgive you for leaving us, I want you to know that I will always love you, I will never forget you, I will raise our children in the ways of the Lord, I will never dishonor you, and you will live forever in my heart.

with my greatest love,


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Free Flying....!

okay so have any of you read Jennie shafers new book "Goodbye ED, Hello Life" ? okay well whether you did or not its irrelevant ...Im gonna tell you a little bit about it...there is this chapter in the book called "JUST JUMP". You know how many of us have struggled to climb up that mountain, only to slide back down and relapse, then finding ourselves at the freaking bottom again only to have to climb the same freaking mountain AGAIN! and AGAIN! And AGAIN! Well the problem is that we never truly "just jump" into recovery. We always try to keep some little piece of the Eating Disorder, whether it be restricting "just a little"...or purging just now and then, or maybe we exercise when we are not supposed to, or maybe we run just that extra mile...whatever it is that we dont give up of our Ed it keeps us stuck...and eventually sucks you back in, most times deeper then we were before...and there you are staring at the base of the mountain thinking "SHIT" "How will I ever manage to climb that mountain again?" But you do and you get to the top...and then you either have 2 choices you can either stay stuck, start sliding back down the mountain ( and you where that leads you, smack dab right at the freaking bottom) or you could take that leap of faith. You could "just jump" now of course you are wearing a parachute, but you cant pull the string right away...there is that period of time where you are free falling and its scary and terrifying and you have no idea what id going to happen, your just trusting that your gonna get to pull that cord...and so you keep trusting and falling and then comes the point where you pull the cord and your no longer free falling....YOUR FLYING.... YOUR SOARING....YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR WINGS....YOUR FREE!!!!

Well that is what it takes to truly RECOVER. You have to free fall, you have to give it all up, not really knowing when it will stop being so terrifying. You have to eat ALL your food. You have to NEVER purge. You have to follow your exercise instructions/restrictions completely. You to 100% trust your team and do exactly as you are told to do, no matter how bad it matter how much it have to trust and you really just have to jump!!!

because without the will never FLY!!!!

I want to fly, I want to earn my wings, I want to soar and feel the wind, I want to be FREE!!!

I will never be free holding onto any part of my Eating Disorder, because eventually I will fall right down that mountain and have to start all over again...well I am here to tell you NO MORE WILL I SLIDE DOWN THAT MOUNTAIN...IM JUMPING!!!!

and keeping with the spirit of jumping...Im jumping into my extremely scary ass MP!! Tomorrow it will be xxx calories then by Saturday I need to increase by 300 cal, I see her again on Monday and on monday we will assess my progress...If i am doing as I am supposed to...(ie:jumping) then it will most likely be increased again until I am eating enough so that my body decides that it is happy and stops losing weight ( lets pray its a "normal" amount of calories and not something ridiculous).
That was the bottom line of our apt. I have an exact MP of EXACTLY what I am to eat, when to have my snacks...blahh blahhh...and I was also "strongly encouraged" to drink a smoothie (from starbucks) that she brought in for me (yes she LOVES me) she even drank one with me!

and yes even though I am 30 (hang my head) she called my mom (shut up, whatever it takes to recover ...remember??) and told her the MP that she gave me, and that she should ask to see it when I got home, and that I drank the smoothie...

I was calm. I was agreeable. AND ABOVE ALL I WILL BE COMPLIANT!!!!

am I scared ...ummm pardon my french but FUCK yes...will i struggle? you I going to cry, scream, kick my feet and have tantrums, have days where i just dont think i can do it? ummm well Id say its a 99.9999999% chance of yes to all of those things but you know what....Im jumping!!!

wish me luck on my Free fall!!

And when Im Flying like a bird and am finally FREE....congratulate me!!!

Cause you know what its been a long time coming...

I think its about time I earn my wings!!!

much love, Tara

Pre K freakout!!!

okay like seriously like right now I am bugging...after ummm are appointment on monday, and my not so agreeable attitude "we" decided that it was necessary for ANOTHER appointment you know so we can set up a "real MP" you one that will help me to thrive, not just "survive" so yeah im allot...i dont know i could really use some "go get em's" or maybe a "you got this girl"... i dont know something...yeah and probably a klonipin...3.5 hours til i meet my doom...I mean LIFE SAVING MP....



Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My sisters HOOKER shoes!!!

So I dont know if you can tell by these Glorious pictures that my daughter and I took but these are 5in heels...I only fell while wearing them 2xs...ummmm and yeah they were on for like 45 seconds...Alyssa did better then I...hope it doesnt say something about her future career :)

I really dont want my daughter to grow up to be a hooker:)

but we did laugh and ummm laugh..and giggle and then FALL!

So I cant pull it off as a could be worse...I could be the fact that I COULD pull it off as a hooker....



Monday, April 12, 2010

I saw this at target...and an appointment i wont soon forget!

"If I knew where I was going, I would be there already!"

so I had an apt. with K today that got a little the point where I said Im leaving...for good!...In a Fashion that I am very unused to she literally said "sit your ass back down!" ummmm I think I was in shock cause I did...

here is the conversation that followed:

K: "so your gonna quit? and that will get you where?"

Me: "yeah"

K: "That will get you where?"

Me: "ummmm..well..."

K: interupts..." I dont want to here any of your whoa is me BS, you cant change the past, you cant change what he did, you cant change how he treated you, you cant selectively remember the truth, IT WILL KEEP YOU SICK, you have done the hardest part of recovery before, you have refed, you have worked through past trauma, you have stuck with plans that hurt like hell, you have done the work all before, you have fought back from the brink of death you are not weak, STOP feeling sorry for yourself and start fighting for yourself!"

Me: Silence

K: "thats not enough, okay here how about this, you starve yourself to death...YES DEATH, and that leaves who to take care of your kids?...oh wait you dont know and dont care right?"

Me: "no that's not true...."

K: "well then tell me...tell me your truth!"

Me: "Karen he just hung himself..."

K: "NO! thats not your truth thats HIS truth! Tell me YOUR TRUTH!!

Me:....after a silence which felt like an eternity...said in a whisper..."I want to live..."

K: "what I cant here you? Say it louder!"

Me: (starting to feel humiliated,but said a little bit louder) "I want to live"

K: "say it again"

Me: "I want to live"

K: "now...are you going to let me help you do that?"

Me: "yes"

K: " Good, so am I talking to tara again?"

Me: "uh huh"

K: "Thank god!"

next ensued some talk of her telling me what I needed to do to stay alive, what I needed to do to live my TRUTH!

K: "Do we agree?...wait let me rephrase you trust me to help you live your truth?

Me: "yes"

K: "good...okay so follow the plan like its your Bible, text me every night...hmmmm maybe you should come in on thursday too?"

Me: "I'll be okay..."

K: " I have no doubt about that..but maybe we just need to see more of each know so you dont somehow forget your truth."

Me: "no really, I'll do it...I will text and call and see you next monday."

K: "If you dont follow the plan, then I need to see you thursday!"

Me: "fine"..."can I go now?"

K: "No...get up."

I stand up

she gives me a very strong secure hug, and says " really, Tara if i didnt love and care for you I would have let you walk out, I either piss people off or make them laugh. Today you got pissed off...but thats okay, at least you felt SOMETHING!"

Me: "Im sorry"

K:"Stop saying that...stop being sorry...stop giving yourself reasons to be sorry, you are okay, its going to be okay, just live your truth.

Me: " your going to call S arent you?"

K: "Yes"..."Is that okay?"..."wait, I dont really care its my job"


K: "I will talk to you TONIGHT"

Me: "okay"

K: "Live your truth!"

Me: "okay"

K: "Tara, you are not alone, never forget that!"

Me: "okay"

You know I was really pissed...I was really mad she wasnt just accepting the fact that i was to weak to fight, that she wasnt accepting my excuses as to why I didnt have it in me to fight anymore, and I'll admit my E.D was getting really mad...kinda still am, but at least I have people in my life who wont let me quit, even when its the only thing I want to do.

Love Tara

Sunday, April 11, 2010

no title...

I really dont think I can do this...

It hurts to much...

The pain...the grief...the Guilt...the shame...

The unanswered questions...

every minute hurts worse then the last...

it hurts to look ...

The nightmares....Fuck the day mares (is that even a thing??)

This is permanent .... its never going away...

This act he did ...its forever...

Did he know he couldnt take it back??

I just want to fucking smash everything...

and now he has left me here to do this alone...

My heart literally aches...Im sick to my stomach...and want to just seep into a wall and disappear...



in complete despair,


Saturday, April 10, 2010

maybe I will change my mind...

but today I am quiting..quiting it all!

Today because apparently I didnt brush Alyssa's hair correctly..I received the statement "I wish it had been you and not dad!"

well you know what do I!!

maybe it will be..maybe she'll be left without any parents...maybe she will go to live with my best friend she'd be a better mother then me anyway!!

Im not suicidal I just dont freaking care if I live or die.

Maybe anorexia will kill! ofcourse Im sure I couldnt get that lucky.

I dont want to hear she's only 7 and Im over reacting...I dont care Im tired of being everyones punching bag...12 years from mike and know shes taken over the role.

my life has been shattered into a million pieces and I couldnt even begin to think of how to put it back together.

yes i know im being irrational...again i dont care.

i just care anymore

Friday, April 9, 2010

A food style!

That when life gives you lemons you have 2 choices:

you can either add some water and sugar and make lemonade :)

or you can cut the lemons in half open your eyes and squeeze the juice into your eyes so that it burns and makes the tears flow.

Did you know when life gives you a tough shitty piece of meat you can either, marinate it, tenderize, cook it slow and steady, let it rest and slice it against the grain and end up with a wonderfully tender piece of steak...

or you could

throw it on the grill, not pay attention to it let it cook to long cook, cut it with the grain and end up with a shitty tough piece of meat!

Did you know that when you make blueberry muffins you can measure the ingredients, take your time, sift your flour, mix it til its just right, bake it at the right temperature, let them cool slightly and enjoy a nice fluffy blueberry muffin.

or you could just throw in the ingredients, not measure a thing, miss something, not take your time, over mix, over cook and you will get tough, nasty muffins that your dog could use as a chew toy!

So my point ( after all these food analogy's :)) is Im going to add some sugar to my life, Im going to be more tender with the people and things that I love, Im going to take my time, and follow the recipe for life...slowly I will do what I need to do to not survive but thrive.

hope you enjoyed the closest thing i have ever done to a food post:)

Love, Tara

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I am so freaking pissed!!

I am going to sue the shit out of mike T and pdoc they wont give me his files...I WANT them...I ll even sign a release saying I wont sue them even if they were negligent in his care if they will just give me the fucking files...Im just trying to piece together the last few months of his life...but if they are going to be fuckers then I will take their ass's to court (my sister will be an attorney in like 4 weeks so they can kiss my ass...they will be sorry cause if I have to take them to court to get those files and they were negligent, I will sue the mother fucking shit out of them for mal practice.

and to top it off the bitch ass receptionist was fucking rude, condescending and generally obnoxious ...she actually had the nerve to tell me if it was so important to me why did I wait 3 weeks to call...excuse me bitch cause my husband hung himself in our house and I have had a bit of trouble functioning...fucking douche bag...i want her fired!!!

seriously these ass holes are going to be sorry all I want is the fucking money but if they are gonna be pricks then fuck Ill be one too....dam douche bags!!!

pardon my language but right now I feel entitled to some vulgarity's!!!

seriously pissed off


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

after yesterdays pathetic is why i choose life!

children make life worth living!

and a little flowers dont hurt!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I suppose...

Now would not be a good time to quit tx...

but Im sick of talking about everything...

his death

My Ed

My depression

The life I am ment to lead

I just dont want to think about anything anymore and tx makes you think...and it hurts.

It hurts hurts durning and it hurts after...

Im sick of hurting

I say all this and I am ment to be walking out the door to see S...did I mention I am back to 2xs a week that makes 2 with S 1 with K 1 with SS (my pdoc) thats 4 sessions a week to talk about death, depression, anxiety and food...none of which makes me feel any better...

whats the point?

seriously...I have been in therapy for nearly 9 years, I have been seeing K for 4, I have been to 2 residential tx centers phyc ward like 8 times and php and iop more times then I can count...oh plus I see an Ed doc every 4 weeks...Im tired, Im tired of being sick Im tired of talking...maybe I should just accept that this IS the life I was ment to lead...disordered, fucked up and miserable.

People keep calling asking me to go out and do things I just let it go to voicemail...I dont even want to talk to them...they are just trying to help, or maybe they just take pitty on me...I dont want pitty...I just want to wake up from this nightmare that has been my life.

I want a do over button!

All I would keep are my kids...everything else has been shit!

seriously I really dont think talking will make it any better

can it change my father leaving us when I was 8

can it change that he tried to do bad things to me when I was 11

can it change that I was raped at 17

can it change I spent 12 years in an abusive relationship

can it change the fact that 19 days ago my husband hung himself

Nope no of that can be changed by talking so really what is the freaking point??

Someone ANYONE...Tell me you have recovered, that it gets better...that life doesnt completely blow...cause really Im seeing no point in trying to change things if its just going to stay this shitty...

one day I will be happy....I will one day die (not by my hands) and I will live with jesus and we will sing and rejoice and dance...but right now earth sucks!!

and talking just isnt helping!!

your welcome for another uplifting post....:(

positivity is not one of my strong suits right now...and maybe never again.

miserably your


Sunday, April 4, 2010

A wedding and a funeral!

since my world came crashing down!

I was "okay" last of yesterday my world has been completely shattered all over again.

One thing a person should never do 2 weeks after your husband kills himself or even just dies go to someone elses wedding...the following things may (and did occur)

When the bride and groom professed their love for each other and said the words "til death do us part" instead of tears of joy, I sobbed in grief.

When they danced their first dance, I thought about our wedding...I though our first dance and I thought " I will never love again, I will never be held again, I will forever be scarred by the thoughts that someday, will all end and I will once again be left to fend off this cruel world alone.

When The music started to play I was okay til the slow love songs started and I had to leave to go sob in the grass not once but 4 times...pulling at the grass begging god to turn back time...just so you know it didnt happen...hes still dead.

Then of course course their was the cake cutting...whats the big deal in that you think after all its just a cake ( never mind all the Ed shit, that for once was not the issue) ....they played around each other for literally like 7 minutes pretending they were going to shove it in each others faces ...until finally they loveingly placed it into each others mouth...his arm was around her neck and all I could think about was the rope around his....another lip biting moment...

and then the worst of all came when my aunt ( the bride) dragged me onto the dance literally she almost pulled my arms out of socket...and she said and I just stood there with tears rolling down my yes I made the bride feel like shit for making me cry on her special day...Im such a loser...

and to top it off last night was a night filled of that particarly stuck with me was the one where some how his grave was in our back yard and I go to see the grave and there is dirt pushed up everywhere...I somehow walk into our basement and there is this dirt tunnel that leads to where the coffin is...and I follow the dirt tunnel to the coffin ( god only knows where I got my balls from) and the coffin was open and empty. At first I was scared Someone had stolen him...then I became full of was easter ( in my dream) god rose him from the dead! I thought with glee...where could he be?? I begin to search the house, calling his name...filled with excitement ...but there is no answer so I go across the street (the house somehow turned into his parents house...and on the porch was the blue casket...ahhhhh I thought he must be there...I ask...oh yes he had been there but now he is gone...( so hes hes alive I think)....I search and I search now its ia at least a week later and still I cant find him....and suddenly I turn to look in our backyard and the ground is once again solid...and I go to look for the tunnel that led to his "escape" but it is gone...and I sit on the dirt basement floor and cry "what a cruel joke this must be!"...and in my dream I wake up on his grave in the cemetary where he was buried...and I realize has i had dreamed it all and he was really gone...and I woke up in my bed at 3 this morning with tears streaming down my face...because the truth is he will never wake up...he his is permanent...and my life will never be the same...

So lessons learned if your going to go to a wedding make sure your husband hasnt just died and when you go to a funeral realize its real its permanent and its not going to change.

Friday, April 2, 2010

My secrets have been buried...

When he died he took so much...yes he took his life, his future, his childrens father...he changed our lives forever.

But with his death and the following burial he took with him my secrets..secrets that only he knew, my sins, my failures, my insecurities, my hurts, my fears...he took with him all my "reasons" for having an ED. Only he knew the true extent of the abuse he put me through...yes he would deny it, but there were those moments when he admitted to all the horriable things he did to me...he knew the truth and so did I and that made it real..he is gone...and how can I speak ill of someone who is dead. Does this make all the abuse he imposed on me null and void? am I ever allowed to speak of it again?

I feel such horror and guilt whenever I think of even speaking(or even thinking) about the past and what was. I should, if I were a good wife remember only the good...thats what one does when someone one loved dies...S says I cant change the past that if I pretend he was the perfect husband, and that if I continue to blame myself for leaving him 4 months ago (which is why I believe he killed himself)...if I deny that I had so many reasons to leave then I am in fact denying the truth to myself. That I will never be able to heal because the path to healing is through truth, finding out what I truely believe and not denying the past.

When I think of what was I cringe...

when I think that now there is no one to know the sins that I commited in only his presence, that there is no one to say that Im no good, and worthless and useless...I am at a loss...because I feel relief...that relief that he cant hurt me anymore causes more guilt and shame then one could ever imagine...

His death hurts me so much and in that same breath i feel like finally I can breath without fear...I can talk to my children and not worry that what I say is wrong, I can blog, and FB, and yes breath without thinking I am doing something wrong...did he do this to give me peace? Did he in his own (twisted) way love me so much that he knew the only way I could ever live in peace in freedom was without him here?

Did he do this for me?

Did he give the ultimate sacrifice ( his life) for me?

I am not saying that I am some super amazing wonderful person that he loved me so much that he gave up his life for me ( HE IS NOT JESUS) but in his disturbed illness did he think he was giving me peace...something he couldnt give me in life?

I still cant believe he is gone.

Yesterday something really funny happened...long story short...Alyssa put shorts on biggie..apparently he wanted to wear she put them on him WITHOUT A DIAPER...he is NOT potty trained...they play outside...we need to go to dicks sporting goods to buy Alyssa's soccer equipment...we were there about an hour...checking out, hes standing by the candy...and starts crying "whats happening to me?" I look to the floor he is surrounded in a pool of pee... my son peed in the middle of dicks...and all I could do was laugh...and laugh and laugh...

I picked up my phone to call Mike and started to dial...then remembered ..he is gone...I hope he got a good chuckle in heaven...