"If I knew where I was going, I would be there already!"
so I had an apt. with K today that got a little escalated...to the point where I said Im leaving...for good!...In a Fashion that I am very unused to she literally said "sit your ass back down!" ummmm I think I was in shock cause I did...
here is the conversation that followed:
K: "so your gonna quit? and that will get you where?"
K: "That will get you where?"
K: interupts..." I dont want to here any of your whoa is me BS, you cant change the past, you cant change what he did, you cant change how he treated you, you cant selectively remember the truth, IT WILL KEEP YOU SICK, you have done the hardest part of recovery before, you have refed, you have worked through past trauma, you have stuck with plans that hurt like hell, you have done the work all before, you have fought back from the brink of death you are not weak, STOP feeling sorry for yourself and start fighting for yourself!"
K: "thats not enough, okay here how about this, you starve yourself to death...YES DEATH, and that leaves who to take care of your kids?...oh wait you dont know and dont care right?"
Me: "no that's not true...."
K: "well then tell me...tell me your truth!"
Me: "Karen he just hung himself..."
K: "NO! thats not your truth thats HIS truth! Tell me YOUR TRUTH!!
Me:....after a silence which felt like an eternity...said in a whisper..."I want to live..."
K: "what I cant here you? Say it louder!"
Me: (starting to feel humiliated,but said a little bit louder) "I want to live"
K: "say it again"
Me: "I want to live"
K: "now...are you going to let me help you do that?"
K: " Good, so am I talking to tara again?"
Me: "uh huh"
K: "Thank god!"
next ensued some talk of her telling me what I needed to do to stay alive, what I needed to do to live my TRUTH!
K: "Do we agree?...wait let me rephrase that...do you trust me to help you live your truth?
K: "good...okay so follow the plan like its your Bible, text me every night...hmmmm maybe you should come in on thursday too?"
Me: "I'll be okay..."
K: " I have no doubt about that..but maybe we just need to see more of each other...you know so you dont somehow forget your truth."
Me: "no really, I'll do it...I will text and call and see you next monday."
K: "If you dont follow the plan, then I need to see you thursday!"
Me: "fine"..."can I go now?"
K: "No...get up."
I stand up
she gives me a very strong secure hug, and says " really, Tara if i didnt love and care for you I would have let you walk out, I either piss people off or make them laugh. Today you got pissed off...but thats okay, at least you felt SOMETHING!"
Me: "Im sorry"
K:"Stop saying that...stop being sorry...stop giving yourself reasons to be sorry, you are okay, its going to be okay, just live your truth.
Me: " your going to call S arent you?"
K: "Yes"..."Is that okay?"..."wait, I dont really care its my job"
K: "I will talk to you TONIGHT"
K: "Live your truth!"
K: "Tara, you are not alone, never forget that!"
You know I was really pissed...I was really mad she wasnt just accepting the fact that i was to weak to fight, that she wasnt accepting my excuses as to why I didnt have it in me to fight anymore, and I'll admit my E.D was getting really mad...kinda still am, but at least I have people in my life who wont let me quit, even when its the only thing I want to do.