When he died he took so much...yes he took his life, his future, his childrens father...he changed our lives forever.
But with his death and the following burial he took with him my secrets..secrets that only he knew, my sins, my failures, my insecurities, my hurts, my fears...he took with him all my "reasons" for having an ED. Only he knew the true extent of the abuse he put me through...yes he would deny it, but there were those moments when he admitted to all the horriable things he did to me...he knew the truth and so did I and that made it real..he is gone...and how can I speak ill of someone who is dead. Does this make all the abuse he imposed on me null and void? am I ever allowed to speak of it again?
I feel such horror and guilt whenever I think of even speaking(or even thinking) about the past and what was. I should, if I were a good wife remember only the good...thats what one does when someone one loved dies...S says I cant change the past that if I pretend he was the perfect husband, and that if I continue to blame myself for leaving him 4 months ago (which is why I believe he killed himself)...if I deny that I had so many reasons to leave then I am in fact denying the truth to myself. That I will never be able to heal because the path to healing is through truth, finding out what I truely believe and not denying the past.
When I think of what was I cringe...
when I think that now there is no one to know the sins that I commited in only his presence, that there is no one to say that Im no good, and worthless and useless...I am at a loss...because I feel relief...that relief that he cant hurt me anymore causes more guilt and shame then one could ever imagine...
His death hurts me so much and in that same breath i feel like finally I can breath without fear...I can talk to my children and not worry that what I say is wrong, I can blog, and FB, and yes breath without thinking I am doing something wrong...did he do this to give me peace? Did he in his own (twisted) way love me so much that he knew the only way I could ever live in peace in freedom was without him here?
Did he do this for me?
Did he give the ultimate sacrifice ( his life) for me?
I am not saying that I am some super amazing wonderful person that he loved me so much that he gave up his life for me ( HE IS NOT JESUS) but in his disturbed illness did he think he was giving me peace...something he couldnt give me in life?
I still cant believe he is gone.
Yesterday something really funny happened...long story short...Alyssa put shorts on Isaiah...no biggie..apparently he wanted to wear underware...so she put them on him WITHOUT A DIAPER...he is NOT potty trained...they play outside...we need to go to dicks sporting goods to buy Alyssa's soccer equipment...we were there about an hour...checking out, hes standing by the candy...and starts crying "whats happening to me?" I look to the floor he is surrounded in a pool of pee... my son peed in the middle of dicks...and all I could do was laugh...and laugh and laugh...
I picked up my phone to call Mike and started to dial...then remembered ..he is gone...I hope he got a good chuckle in heaven...