Friday, April 2, 2010

My secrets have been buried...

When he died he took so much...yes he took his life, his future, his childrens father...he changed our lives forever.

But with his death and the following burial he took with him my secrets..secrets that only he knew, my sins, my failures, my insecurities, my hurts, my fears...he took with him all my "reasons" for having an ED. Only he knew the true extent of the abuse he put me through...yes he would deny it, but there were those moments when he admitted to all the horriable things he did to me...he knew the truth and so did I and that made it real..he is gone...and how can I speak ill of someone who is dead. Does this make all the abuse he imposed on me null and void? am I ever allowed to speak of it again?

I feel such horror and guilt whenever I think of even speaking(or even thinking) about the past and what was. I should, if I were a good wife remember only the good...thats what one does when someone one loved dies...S says I cant change the past that if I pretend he was the perfect husband, and that if I continue to blame myself for leaving him 4 months ago (which is why I believe he killed himself)...if I deny that I had so many reasons to leave then I am in fact denying the truth to myself. That I will never be able to heal because the path to healing is through truth, finding out what I truely believe and not denying the past.

When I think of what was I cringe...

when I think that now there is no one to know the sins that I commited in only his presence, that there is no one to say that Im no good, and worthless and useless...I am at a loss...because I feel relief...that relief that he cant hurt me anymore causes more guilt and shame then one could ever imagine...

His death hurts me so much and in that same breath i feel like finally I can breath without fear...I can talk to my children and not worry that what I say is wrong, I can blog, and FB, and yes breath without thinking I am doing something wrong...did he do this to give me peace? Did he in his own (twisted) way love me so much that he knew the only way I could ever live in peace in freedom was without him here?

Did he do this for me?

Did he give the ultimate sacrifice ( his life) for me?

I am not saying that I am some super amazing wonderful person that he loved me so much that he gave up his life for me ( HE IS NOT JESUS) but in his disturbed illness did he think he was giving me peace...something he couldnt give me in life?

I still cant believe he is gone.

Yesterday something really funny happened...long story short...Alyssa put shorts on biggie..apparently he wanted to wear she put them on him WITHOUT A DIAPER...he is NOT potty trained...they play outside...we need to go to dicks sporting goods to buy Alyssa's soccer equipment...we were there about an hour...checking out, hes standing by the candy...and starts crying "whats happening to me?" I look to the floor he is surrounded in a pool of pee... my son peed in the middle of dicks...and all I could do was laugh...and laugh and laugh...

I picked up my phone to call Mike and started to dial...then remembered ..he is gone...I hope he got a good chuckle in heaven...




lisalisa said...

its ok to rember the abuse. Remembering the bad parts of your life together doesn't make you a bad person. None of this makes you a bad person. Its not your fault he died. Its not ok that he hurt you. You have a right to feel sad and even angry. Talking about these things in therapy isn't dishonoring his memory. He left you with some scars and you need to heal.
wishing you peace,

belinda said...


it is important to remember all the aspects of Mike, that there were good times but there were also some terrible times. i too wondered if D make the ultimate sacrifice to give me peace & i too felt i could talk without fear. we can't change their decisions for what they did but we can honour ourselves and their memory by being true and living on. it's hard.

your feelings are valid honey, i hope you can continue to talk with S about them. the abuse was horrid and death doesn't change that. you did not ask for any of this, it happened and you need to process it in a healthy way.


firefly said...

Tara: It's only natural that you feel some relief. You don't have to fear him anymore. You know your relationship wasn't perfect nobody's is. We all do our best with what we have. I think it is good that you are processing the real relationship with S. I'm so thankful that you have such a good team. Things aren't going to be easy but remember I'm her for you and the kids.

Zena said...

Today has been long and shitty...just spoke to a friend who made me know who you are!

I spoke these feeling I wrote about with S today and actually saying them sent me for a mp flew out the window cause really i didnt want to I deceided to starve instead...around 5 I emailed S ( my sorry way of attempting to seek help...who knew she would be on the computer) she emailed back...we conversated...she reminded me I was only remembering parts of our session...the parts where I make myself out to be some horror of a human...I forgot the parts where she said exactly as you guys are saying ( she said other stuff just to tired to get into it) around 6 I texted Karen told her of my intake of 1 tall nonfat latte and 12 jelly beans ( I hoped she was with a such luck) "GIRLFRIEND DRINK A BOOST NOW...CALL ME WHEN YOUR DONE...WE WILL DISCUSS FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS AFTER IMMEDIATE ACTION HAS BEEN TAKEN" I respond.." Im not hungry and I actually feel sick" her response..." YOU ARE STRESSED AND STARVED...DRINK IT NOW!!!!

I receive a text 10 min later..."SO...???" I ignore it....again 10 min later....again ignore...I then have a moment of clarity and realize I am acting like a moron...i call...I drink the boost with her on the phone...she is happy(ier)...I am sick...I am fustrated...and somehow i am suppossed to drink 2 more boosts before i go to bed or set my alarm and wake up and drink them before midnight..ummm yeah sorry K not happening..for one when I take my pills I am not purposely setting my alarm to wake up...that happens enough on its own...and 2 well 2 thats just F-ing tx team is sometimes wackier then me and that my friends is hard to do!

and yes I realize my E.D is completely talking but you know what...tomorrow is a new day...and should i choose to do so i can start again tomorrow....i will make the right choice i swear...but right now i just am being an ASS!

So dont tell me....I already know :(

belinda said...

i love you.

i spoke with trish today about your situation & the tears just kept pouring down my face. she shed a tear for you too.

Zena said...

oh ((((B))))

you have shed to many tears more okay....well maybe just a few:) we can cry a little together...sigh...

sleepless night

busy day

wishes for peace

if anyone happens to have an extra magic wand laying around please email me...i would just like to borrow it for a few days....pretty please????