Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Freaking SHIT!!!

K called...shes been "mulling" it over and she thinks it would be best to increase now instead of later...ummmm what??? I thought WE made the decision as in together to wait 2 weeks!! What the HELL are you freaking kidding like really...Im all for Recovery but one thing I can not stand is CHANGE!!! Dont tell me one thing then change it, without consulting me!!!

I get it, I have an EATING DISORDER, I see these PROFESSIONALS to help me get well but I am still a person, and yes I dont always do the right thing but freak at least lets discuss it, help me rationalize, dont just tell me, give me 2 min. and say okay I will talk to you later....believe me when she calls Im going to let her know that " freaking freaked me out massively and didnt even give me a chance to process it"..."DONT DO THAT!!!"

I can barely do what I am doing now, without wanting to rip off my flesh...actually I do want to RIP OFF MY FLESH!!!....seriously what am I going to do now...seriously I am about to now instead of 1 boost and a fruit I need 2 boosts and a's 8:25 THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE ....unless i want to lay on my bed and writhe in pain...which I do NOT....

maybe Im being ridiculous...and throwing a tantrum but this sucks...SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!

cry for me.

sympathize with me.

tell it will all be okay.

Im going t o meltdown.

and yes I do realize with all the horribleness that has occurred in the last 6 weeks I should not be freaking on food....but maybe thats why i am.


K just texted..."to see how Im doing?" and "when my ED doc apt.?" shes going t o email doc my least shes doing that, trying to get me out of having to lie half naked on a table with electrodes posted all over my body...aka..EKG. Dont want it...Dont need it...Ain't gonna do it.....FUCKING EATING DISORDER!!!! YOU MAKE ME MISERABLE....GO AWAY!!!!

end of rant.

sorry the end


1 comment:

firefly said...

Umm Tara, Maybe it freaked K out that you lost weight this week. Go down to the kitchen and get boost. Yes, It's gonna be uncomfortable but you've done it before. You can do this girl. No giving up! E-mail K while you are drinking and explain how it made you freak out. I love you!