Sunday, April 4, 2010

A wedding and a funeral!

since my world came crashing down!

I was "okay" last of yesterday my world has been completely shattered all over again.

One thing a person should never do 2 weeks after your husband kills himself or even just dies go to someone elses wedding...the following things may (and did occur)

When the bride and groom professed their love for each other and said the words "til death do us part" instead of tears of joy, I sobbed in grief.

When they danced their first dance, I thought about our wedding...I though our first dance and I thought " I will never love again, I will never be held again, I will forever be scarred by the thoughts that someday, will all end and I will once again be left to fend off this cruel world alone.

When The music started to play I was okay til the slow love songs started and I had to leave to go sob in the grass not once but 4 times...pulling at the grass begging god to turn back time...just so you know it didnt happen...hes still dead.

Then of course course their was the cake cutting...whats the big deal in that you think after all its just a cake ( never mind all the Ed shit, that for once was not the issue) ....they played around each other for literally like 7 minutes pretending they were going to shove it in each others faces ...until finally they loveingly placed it into each others mouth...his arm was around her neck and all I could think about was the rope around his....another lip biting moment...

and then the worst of all came when my aunt ( the bride) dragged me onto the dance literally she almost pulled my arms out of socket...and she said and I just stood there with tears rolling down my yes I made the bride feel like shit for making me cry on her special day...Im such a loser...

and to top it off last night was a night filled of that particarly stuck with me was the one where some how his grave was in our back yard and I go to see the grave and there is dirt pushed up everywhere...I somehow walk into our basement and there is this dirt tunnel that leads to where the coffin is...and I follow the dirt tunnel to the coffin ( god only knows where I got my balls from) and the coffin was open and empty. At first I was scared Someone had stolen him...then I became full of was easter ( in my dream) god rose him from the dead! I thought with glee...where could he be?? I begin to search the house, calling his name...filled with excitement ...but there is no answer so I go across the street (the house somehow turned into his parents house...and on the porch was the blue casket...ahhhhh I thought he must be there...I ask...oh yes he had been there but now he is gone...( so hes hes alive I think)....I search and I search now its ia at least a week later and still I cant find him....and suddenly I turn to look in our backyard and the ground is once again solid...and I go to look for the tunnel that led to his "escape" but it is gone...and I sit on the dirt basement floor and cry "what a cruel joke this must be!"...and in my dream I wake up on his grave in the cemetary where he was buried...and I realize has i had dreamed it all and he was really gone...and I woke up in my bed at 3 this morning with tears streaming down my face...because the truth is he will never wake up...he his is permanent...and my life will never be the same...

So lessons learned if your going to go to a wedding make sure your husband hasnt just died and when you go to a funeral realize its real its permanent and its not going to change.


firefly said...

aww hon I'm sorry that you didn't have fun at the wedding. Just a reminder you are lovable and you don't know what God has in store for you and your kids. God creates miracles. I'm praying that you receive one.

belinda said...

oh honey
i am so sorry
i love you so much