Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I suppose...

Now would not be a good time to quit tx...

but Im sick of talking about everything...

his death

My Ed

My depression

The life I am ment to lead

I just dont want to think about anything anymore and tx makes you think...and it hurts.

It hurts before..it hurts durning and it hurts after...

Im sick of hurting

I say all this and I am ment to be walking out the door to see S...did I mention I am back to 2xs a week sessions...so that makes 2 with S 1 with K 1 with SS (my pdoc) thats 4 sessions a week to talk about death, depression, anxiety and food...none of which makes me feel any better...

whats the point?

seriously...I have been in therapy for nearly 9 years, I have been seeing K for 4, I have been to 2 residential tx centers phyc ward like 8 times and php and iop more times then I can count...oh plus I see an Ed doc every 4 weeks...Im tired, Im tired of being sick Im tired of talking...maybe I should just accept that this IS the life I was ment to lead...disordered, fucked up and miserable.

People keep calling asking me to go out and do things I just let it go to voicemail...I dont even want to talk to them...they are just trying to help, or maybe they just take pitty on me...I dont want pitty...I just want to wake up from this nightmare that has been my life.

I want a do over button!

All I would keep are my kids...everything else has been shit!

seriously I really dont think talking will make it any better

can it change my father leaving us when I was 8

can it change that he tried to do bad things to me when I was 11

can it change that I was raped at 17

can it change I spent 12 years in an abusive relationship

can it change the fact that 19 days ago my husband hung himself

Nope no of that can be changed by talking so really what is the freaking point??

Someone ANYONE...Tell me you have recovered, that it gets better...that life doesnt completely blow...cause really Im seeing no point...no point in trying to change things if its just going to stay this shitty...

one day I will be happy....I will one day die (not by my hands) and I will live with jesus and we will sing and rejoice and dance...but right now earth sucks!!

and talking just isnt helping!!

your welcome for another uplifting post....:(

positivity is not one of my strong suits right now...and maybe never again.

miserably your



Jen said...

It DOES get better. And the truth is, you've made progress. It's just sometimes hard to see when progress isn't as fast or as dramatic as you'd like. But you ARE making progress! A few years ago, I remember your posts on Something Fishy.
--You were in denial that your husband was abusive
--You were in denial that your ED was an issue
--You weren't even always going to therapy

Those are all things that you have made progress with. I know it seems slow and like it'll never get better. But it does. It IS. You can do this. If nothing else, hold onto the hope that we have for you.


belinda said...

it really does get better.
i am in recovery from the ED & grief.
with every passing day, week, month etc it gets easier. not at first though. it's hard, fucking hard but it does get better.

i urge you to keep talking even when you feel like isolating because we both know that isolation doesn't bring us anything good.

i love you & i hear you.

Zena said...

Thanks guys...thankyou sooooo much!!!

I did go see S, and yes I did talk again, more about grief, more about the array of feelings that i have...trying to pull myself out of the denial that he was a "good" husband. That i should have tried harder, that I should have stayed longer...the guilt that if I hadnt left he would still be alive...Susan was very blunt and yes it hurt but her words were "Tara, it took you so long and so much courage to leave him, he abused you daily, and if you hadnt left for all you know he might have taken the kids and you out with him, when he made the choice to end his life"

The words hurt so bad, they stabbed like sharp daggers, it was so hard to hear that the man I loved and tried to save for so long could have/and did hurt me so much.

We (S and I) have been working on the issue that I do deserve to live just like everyone else. That I havent committed some horrendous act that I deserve to be punished for. That I deserve to live fully and to do the things that god has created me to do.

I hadnt eaten much today, I was sad and angry with myself, I was punishing myself...I left S at 7:30...I called K...she didnt answer so I left her a message, basicly saying what i ate and to TELL me what to eat next...as I was driving home I realized...maybe her phones off...maybe shes with a client, maybe shes enjoying dinner with her new husband...maybe I just need to make a choice on my own...so as I drove I argued with myself..."if she calls by X time, Ill eat...if she doesnt then thats a sign" Then I thought "way to NOT take responsibility for your recovery Tara!" so I pulled into the nearest subway shop ...ordered a turkey on ww with extra veggies...came home sat down...prayed for strength..and ate my sandwich.

That was 30 min ago...yeah I feel guilty but I kinda feel proud (slightly) that I took back just a little power tonight. S will be proud when I tell her cause when she asked my intake today she said I should go and get a sandwich right then and bring it back and eat it with her...I assured I would eat...she didnt really beleive me but the fact that I was crying and kinda snotty looking I think she took pity on me (usually she would make me go..bring it back and eat it before we could continue talking)

anyway its been a pretty shitty couple weeks (years :)) and Im pretty sure tomorrow isnt going to feel much better but at least I know Im not INCAPABLE of doing what I need to ...when push comes to shove...maybe I need a push hell maybe I need to be shoved but...someday I will eventually get there...eventually

thankyou so much guys i really needed your support tonight

much love


zubeldia said...

Hi darling, I'm so sorry I don't comment often, but I am here thinking about you, and worrying, too.

You should be very proud for the sandwich, darling. I think it speaks a lot to your strength, and I think it says a lot for what lies ahead. Because I have hope for you, and the more you make choices and take actions like that you're in the process of creating a new life, a new future, a new reality.

We cannot change the past. We cannot take away trauma, we cannot erase the horror of what we have endured, but you can go on, you can love and hold those children and take the moments when you feel overwhelmed with love and harness that to make more decisions around eating, around recovery, and more.

You only have the present, Tara, and that is amazingly freeing when you consider life in those terms.

I think that sometimes we can over-talk things. I think that sometimes it makes sense to not talk about grief on and on, but of course if it feels helpful to do so then you should continue, but maybe it might be helpful to talk about other things with your T, to think about your present, the mundane, even.. not to push away the grief, but to be with the grief - to know that it is there - while you hold on to other aspects of yourself.

I don't know if that will make sense. I've been up all night with a sick baby.

Lovelove, Z

Zena said...


It makes perfect sense!!!

She wants me to start to live (not just after his death but just because its been so long that I have actually "just lived"

I avoid things, situations...people...because yes i tend to isolate, especially when i am depressed (or when I am so deep in the Ed Im afraid of going out)...but S says there is so much out there to experiance and I never allow myself the thought of even what it might be like to do something not because I have to but because I might want to, because it might feel good or it might be fun.

my life is and has been for the last 7 yrs my children and my ED nuturing them both at different times to different degrees...Somehow and really i have NO idea how i need to push past this wall i built up...yes right now i am consumed with grief but this wall was built long before he killed himself.

The real issue here now is slowly breaking down the wall to see who might be on the other side...

love, Tara

firefly said...

Hey Tara: Sorry I didn't see this until today. You are right he could have taken you out with him. I believe you told me that when you were telling me about your mom going to find Mike. I'm glad you were brave enough to leave him, I'm glad you have those wonderful kids and yeah! for yesterday. Life can get better!! Not everything we do is perfect but it's what you learn from your mistakes. I'm glad you said,"Yes "to life today. Thinking of you!