Friday, April 16, 2010

A Love Letter

My dear Mike,

I am writing this letter to you in hopes that it will somehow help us to heal. My darling, I dont know what happened, I dont know what you were thinking but I know you would never leave us unless you were in such unbearable pain that you couldnt see your way out. I am not angry with you, I am only greatly saddened that your alcoholism took away your ability to see any hope in the future. I think about you every day especially when the day is done and there is nothing but night silence, I still think I can hear you, and sometimes I talk to you, if not out loud in my head. Mostly I just tell you how sorry I am, how I forgive you for all the past hurts and I forgive you for the hurts that are yet to come...I promise to remember the good things about you, your love for our Lord, the out doors, our children, me. I will always tell our children how much you loved them, they will never know the way you died, you will be left as a hero in their hearts.

I want you to remember all the good things I remember, like on out first anniversary, how we went to connecticut and stayed in that beautiful resort in the middle of nowhere, how we went horse back riding, and they couldnt find a helmet to fit your big old head:), how you rode that horse not because you wanted to but because I did. How we went on that 5 mile walk around the grounds, and you hated every moment of it...you didnt complain but I know you did cause you hated to exercise... I looked over at you all huffing and puffing and said I was so sorry for making you come and you said "it didnt matter what we were doing as long as you were with me you were happy", I know I smiled so big and then called you a liar, cause I knew you were suffering;)...we ate, we laughed, we shopped...the eating was for you but everything else we did that weekend was for me!

Remember the Birth of our first born, Alyssa...your little girl, your angel...I was in labor for 22 hours and pushed for so long, and when i saw her i cried cause her poor little head was all misshapen, but you just held her, and said "she was the most beautiful think you had ever laid your eyes on...paused then said next to you of course..Mike she will always be your princess, and I will always tell her that.

and of course there was dear Zachary, it was aweful back labor and i was in hell, and you ran around screaming at the nurses to get in that doctor cause i needed pain relief NOW!!! we fought over what his name would be but I won cause who could fight with a women pushing out a baby:) we was so precious and when little Alyssa held him for the first time you cried.

and Isaiah, How at exactly the exact same moment we called each other and said I know what his name will be and on the count of three...we both said Isaiah at the same time...and we laughed and said "well apparently great minds think alike!!)

How at each of my residential stays you will a single dad, when i was at renfrew you drove 6 hours with 3 kids ages 4 and under to come see me every weekend, knowing full well when you got there i would beg you to take me home and i would be mad at you the whole time for not bringing me back with you, i would ignore you and only play and talk to our kids, but you came back weekend after weekend knowing what you would get.

I remember being at Remuda not having seen my kids in 7 weeks, and you coming for family week and I ran to you and leaped into your arms, I could have stayed there in that moment forever...During family week, during 'truth and love' you apologized for all the wrongs you have ever committed to me, in front of my whole family and 21 strangers you admitted your alcoholism, the abuse you inflicted on me, and you took some of the responsibility for my illness...we both cried and cried and you professes your love...and when the time came that you were allowed to say whatever you wanted to me...you said "I have no words to describe how proud I am of her...and you leaned over and put in the CD by Craig Morgan, and played the song "and I thought I was tough"...and again I cried again and again...you cried too..and i couldnt believe after all i had put you through you actually thought I was strong!

Mike our relationship has been tough to say the least, but there was a reason we were together foe 12 years, there was a reason, I spent my entire adult life with you, we loved, we laughed, we suffered and struggled, we had three beautiful children that will be a constant reminder of you...and we did it all together.

I want you to know Mike, I forgive you for leaving us, I want you to know that I will always love you, I will never forget you, I will raise our children in the ways of the Lord, I will never dishonor you, and you will live forever in my heart.

with my greatest love,

Tara

7 comments:

i love bows:) said...

this is really beautiful tara

i dont know what else to say. I wish i could say something to make you feel better, ease it a little. im so sorry your going through this.and thankyou so much for your support.i think your being so amazing.im here for you anytme too:)
email is vkbaker@hotmail.co.uk
thankyou so much for your help with the mealplans, and for just being lovely basically:)

love vics xx

Telstaar said...

*gentle hugs*

I love you xo

battleinmind said...

This is a beautiful letter. Your forgiveness and love is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.
*hugs*
xxx

belinda said...

mike is right, you are strong and so very amazing!
this letter is beautiful. thank you for sharing it.

have you thought of making a box that you can keep letters and cards and other special items in? in memory of mike? you and the kids could decorate it.

x

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

This is beautiful and makes me want to cry. I just recently started reading your blog, but I can tell you have a wonderful capacity for forgiveness and a strong spirit.

Angela

♥ Cinderella ♥ said...

this is beautiful. you sound like you have an amazing family. i'm so sorry for your loss :(

The Artful Dodger said...

Oh Tara,

I do hope you'll forgive me for just ramming my way in here, but I heard of your loss (seems such a soft, inadequate word) and saw your replies to belinda and popped over here. This made me cry. I am so sorry. That is a beautiful letter and I am so glad that you had that with Mike (despite all the very hard times), and I'm also devastated on your behalf that you have to go through this,

sending you comfort where there is little to be found,
Louisa x