okay so have any of you read Jennie shafers new book "Goodbye ED, Hello Life" ? okay well whether you did or not its irrelevant ...Im gonna tell you a little bit about it...there is this chapter in the book called "JUST JUMP". You know how many of us have struggled to climb up that mountain, only to slide back down and relapse, then finding ourselves at the freaking bottom again only to have to climb the same freaking mountain AGAIN! and AGAIN! And AGAIN! Well the problem is that we never truly "just jump" into recovery. We always try to keep some little piece of the Eating Disorder, whether it be restricting "just a little"...or purging just now and then, or maybe we exercise when we are not supposed to, or maybe we run just that extra mile...whatever it is that we dont give up of our Ed it keeps us stuck...and eventually sucks you back in, most times deeper then we were before...and there you are staring at the base of the mountain thinking "SHIT" "How will I ever manage to climb that mountain again?" But you do and you get to the top...and then you either have 2 choices you can either stay stuck, start sliding back down the mountain ( and you where that leads you, smack dab right at the freaking bottom) or you could take that leap of faith. You could "just jump" now of course you are wearing a parachute, but you cant pull the string right away...there is that period of time where you are free falling and its scary and terrifying and you have no idea what id going to happen, your just trusting that your gonna get to pull that cord...and so you keep trusting and falling and then comes the point where you pull the cord and your no longer free falling....YOUR FLYING.... YOUR SOARING....YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR WINGS....YOUR FREE!!!!
Well that is what it takes to truly RECOVER. You have to free fall, you have to give it all up, not really knowing when it will stop being so terrifying. You have to eat ALL your food. You have to NEVER purge. You have to follow your exercise instructions/restrictions completely. You to 100% trust your team and do exactly as you are told to do, no matter how bad it feels...no matter how much it hurts...you have to trust and you really just have to jump!!!
because without the JUMP...you will never FLY!!!!
I want to fly, I want to earn my wings, I want to soar and feel the wind, I want to be FREE!!!
I will never be free holding onto any part of my Eating Disorder, because eventually I will fall right down that mountain and have to start all over again...well I am here to tell you NO MORE WILL I SLIDE DOWN THAT MOUNTAIN...IM JUMPING!!!!
and keeping with the spirit of jumping...Im jumping into my extremely scary ass MP!! Tomorrow it will be xxx calories then by Saturday I need to increase by 300 cal, I see her again on Monday and on monday we will assess my progress...If i am doing as I am supposed to...(ie:jumping) then it will most likely be increased again until I am eating enough so that my body decides that it is happy and stops losing weight ( lets pray its a "normal" amount of calories and not something ridiculous).
That was the bottom line of our apt. I have an exact MP of EXACTLY what I am to eat, when to have my snacks...blahh blahhh...and I was also "strongly encouraged" to drink a smoothie (from starbucks) that she brought in for me (yes she LOVES me) she even drank one with me!
and yes even though I am 30 (hang my head) she called my mom (shut up, whatever it takes to recover ...remember??) and told her the MP that she gave me, and that she should ask to see it when I got home, and that I drank the smoothie...
I was calm. I was agreeable. AND ABOVE ALL I WILL BE COMPLIANT!!!!
am I scared ...ummm pardon my french but FUCK yes...will i struggle? you bet...am I going to cry, scream, kick my feet and have tantrums, have days where i just dont think i can do it? ummm well Id say its a 99.9999999% chance of yes to all of those things but you know what....Im jumping!!!
wish me luck on my Free fall!!
And when Im Flying like a bird and am finally FREE....congratulate me!!!
Cause you know what its been a long time coming...
I think its about time I earn my wings!!!
much love, Tara