Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Free Flying....!

okay so have any of you read Jennie shafers new book "Goodbye ED, Hello Life" ? okay well whether you did or not its irrelevant ...Im gonna tell you a little bit about it...there is this chapter in the book called "JUST JUMP". You know how many of us have struggled to climb up that mountain, only to slide back down and relapse, then finding ourselves at the freaking bottom again only to have to climb the same freaking mountain AGAIN! and AGAIN! And AGAIN! Well the problem is that we never truly "just jump" into recovery. We always try to keep some little piece of the Eating Disorder, whether it be restricting "just a little"...or purging just now and then, or maybe we exercise when we are not supposed to, or maybe we run just that extra mile...whatever it is that we dont give up of our Ed it keeps us stuck...and eventually sucks you back in, most times deeper then we were before...and there you are staring at the base of the mountain thinking "SHIT" "How will I ever manage to climb that mountain again?" But you do and you get to the top...and then you either have 2 choices you can either stay stuck, start sliding back down the mountain ( and you where that leads you, smack dab right at the freaking bottom) or you could take that leap of faith. You could "just jump" now of course you are wearing a parachute, but you cant pull the string right away...there is that period of time where you are free falling and its scary and terrifying and you have no idea what id going to happen, your just trusting that your gonna get to pull that cord...and so you keep trusting and falling and then comes the point where you pull the cord and your no longer free falling....YOUR FLYING.... YOUR SOARING....YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR WINGS....YOUR FREE!!!!

Well that is what it takes to truly RECOVER. You have to free fall, you have to give it all up, not really knowing when it will stop being so terrifying. You have to eat ALL your food. You have to NEVER purge. You have to follow your exercise instructions/restrictions completely. You to 100% trust your team and do exactly as you are told to do, no matter how bad it matter how much it have to trust and you really just have to jump!!!

because without the will never FLY!!!!

I want to fly, I want to earn my wings, I want to soar and feel the wind, I want to be FREE!!!

I will never be free holding onto any part of my Eating Disorder, because eventually I will fall right down that mountain and have to start all over again...well I am here to tell you NO MORE WILL I SLIDE DOWN THAT MOUNTAIN...IM JUMPING!!!!

and keeping with the spirit of jumping...Im jumping into my extremely scary ass MP!! Tomorrow it will be xxx calories then by Saturday I need to increase by 300 cal, I see her again on Monday and on monday we will assess my progress...If i am doing as I am supposed to...(ie:jumping) then it will most likely be increased again until I am eating enough so that my body decides that it is happy and stops losing weight ( lets pray its a "normal" amount of calories and not something ridiculous).
That was the bottom line of our apt. I have an exact MP of EXACTLY what I am to eat, when to have my snacks...blahh blahhh...and I was also "strongly encouraged" to drink a smoothie (from starbucks) that she brought in for me (yes she LOVES me) she even drank one with me!

and yes even though I am 30 (hang my head) she called my mom (shut up, whatever it takes to recover ...remember??) and told her the MP that she gave me, and that she should ask to see it when I got home, and that I drank the smoothie...

I was calm. I was agreeable. AND ABOVE ALL I WILL BE COMPLIANT!!!!

am I scared ...ummm pardon my french but FUCK yes...will i struggle? you I going to cry, scream, kick my feet and have tantrums, have days where i just dont think i can do it? ummm well Id say its a 99.9999999% chance of yes to all of those things but you know what....Im jumping!!!

wish me luck on my Free fall!!

And when Im Flying like a bird and am finally FREE....congratulate me!!!

Cause you know what its been a long time coming...

I think its about time I earn my wings!!!

much love, Tara


Eating Alone said...

Jump! JUMP! JUMP! It will be scary but when it's too much, just say to yourself "I'm not really eating this, I'm just following orders."

firefly said...

You can do this girl! I met Jenni in Oct. She's awesome. My friend is actually in her book. I will call tomorrow got wraped up in caringbridge. No excuse! Love ya Sarah ps wings are for dead people please don't earn wings. Maybe something else?

Alexandra Rising said...


belinda said...

this fills my heart with joy for you. i would say that you have earned your wings, now it's just time to trust and learn to use them ;)


Amber Rochelle said...

I love this post. I met Jenni a few times while I was in treatment, and I've read her books. She does make some pretty good points, and I really like the concept of jumping. Wishing you the best. It WILL be worth it in the end.

Zena said...

Im not earning angel wings...I earning my wings to soar like an eagle...I can see your confusion as there as been allot of death around us lately going to fly like a bird!!! not an angel!!!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I really admire your courage, particularly after all you've been through. You are exactly right - we need to jump into recovery. I am planning to do that, give up all control, when I go to Renfrew's day treatment program next month.

I'm very proud of you, and I like the blog's new look - it speaks of optimism.

Zena said...

I dont want to be a negative nancy (sorry to anyone who might be named nancy reading this) THIS F-ing sucks!!!! My stomach hurts, I am still full from breakfast and now am sitting to eat my bloody lunch!!! I am not a happy girl, not happy at all! Im not quiting, but I am NOT happy! and my tummy hurts!

I have been through refeeding before, I knew what I was getting into but I have selective memory and I forgot how much it hurts (physically and emotionally)



okay now I will continue eating...despite my desire to smash my plate and the food that dwells it on the concrete outside!!!

sorry concrete you dont deserve to be punished...and NEITHER DO I will continue with my free fall......did I mention I am scared of heights? :(

Jessie said...

Hi there--I just found your blog through Vicki's and I wanted to say that for me, this idea of jumping into recovery describes so well what ultimately happened to me. I'd gone through years and years of just sliding back down and never really getting any better and finally it came down to the point where I had to jump even though I had no idea what would happen once I did. And it wasn't all clear sailing after that, but I think there was some kind of letting go that happened for me. And I don't think recovery can happen fully without that. And you can do this--it will be scary but you will get through and you will recover from this.

i love bows:) said...

hello chick

this is EXACTLY what i needed to read right thankyou!:)

and thankyou too-really-for all your lovely comments and made me feel real proud of myself with what you wrote on my last post-and lets face it, i never really thought that would happen.

your right-its not about mums truth now-its about me and what i can change

thankyou for encoraging me to see that

i think your brilliant

and i bloody love your attitude in this post

love vics xxx

Zena said...

not much time as the children need baths cause its nice out and they get dirty (not that they didnt need baths before but its just really important now as you can actually see the dirt)

anyway Day 1 of free fall complete, I am exhausted...seriously I forgot how tiring it is to actually START eating again...I am so drained, I feel like I ran a marathon or for real...Im full yes and yeah bloated but more then anything i just want sleep...sleep...sleep sweet sweet sleep!!!

okay right now Id really just like to pull the cord and soar but me thinks its to soon for that so I will continue my free fall, and remind you all I REALLY AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!!!

Thank you so much for the means heaps to me...every day will not be a food log as I have other shit to write about..but you will have and be lucky enough to be a part of sporadic or maybe not so sporadic updates on my journey to soar!!

Love you all


firefly said...

Yeah Tara! Oh the uncomfortableness of it all! Keep it up!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Refeeding sucks. That's why I am so reluctant to start it again, remembering it from the first time. I remember being glad it was time for bed just because I didn't have to eat or think about food for a while.

But I know it needs to be done, and I know you know it needs to be done. Just remember the uncomfortableness does lessen up in time.

It's great you are doing this!