Saturday, April 10, 2010

maybe I will change my mind...

but today I am quiting..quiting it all!

Today because apparently I didnt brush Alyssa's hair correctly..I received the statement "I wish it had been you and not dad!"

well you know what Alyssa...so do I!!

maybe it will be..maybe she'll be left without any parents...maybe she will go to live with my best friend she'd be a better mother then me anyway!!

Im not suicidal I just dont freaking care if I live or die.

Maybe anorexia will kill! ofcourse Im sure I couldnt get that lucky.

I dont want to hear she's only 7 and Im over reacting...I dont care Im tired of being everyones punching bag...12 years from mike and know shes taken over the role.

my life has been shattered into a million pieces and I couldnt even begin to think of how to put it back together.

yes i know im being irrational...again i dont care.

i just care anymore

6 comments:

firefly said...

Tara: I'm sorry Allysa said that to you. She didn't mean it. Allysa is going through grief too. You can't leave these kids without any parents. God trusts you. Take it all up to him. I love you and know you can do this but right now take a break for yourself. Put them in bed and do something for yourself.

Flushed said...

I care about you Zena. You are a great person and so loving you have so much to offer the world. Your kids are lucky to have you, though sometimes they may not realize it.

I care about you and I am sending you positive vibes from my heart.

lisalisa said...

i will never forget one day when Emma was 4 and she was mad at me and she told me she wanted a new mom. It hurt so bad!!!! I know you said you didn't want anyone to tell you that allysa didn't mean it but I am going to tell you that anyway. Children say things out of hurt, or anger, or fear, and they have no idea what it truly means. Allysa loves you, and right now the truth is you are those kids' lifeline. I know it is hard, actually i dont because I have never been through what you are going through. But I can imagine. Reach out for help- dont go it alone! I love you hun....you are a great mom and a wonderful, good person, you deserve a good life! You deserve better than you have gotten so far but I know God loves you and is mindful of you, he hears your cries. I am just searching for any words that might comfort you, but everything I have said is true! Don't give up!

Zena said...

In my heart I know she didnt mean it...but my head thats a different story...its funny (well not really) but the truth is that it should have been me so many times...between my ED and my depression and anxiety...I have been 1 step away from complete heart failure...I have sat locked in rooms having saved all my benzos for weeks hysterical ready to take them...I have given up on living more times then I can count. Yes he had been a very abusive alcoholic and maybe the alcoholism covered up his depression...even in all is anger and rage he saved me from myself so many times...out of the 2 of us to die before our time I always thought it would have been me...clearly it wasnt and maybe im just angry or selfish that he stole that option from me...i have no choice but to move forward, and its hard and it sucks and allot of times it just seems so unfair...its unfair to us all...as bad of a husband that he was he was a GREAT father, (when he was able) he loved those kids, clearly more then his own life...im not angry at him, he made so many phone calls those last 4 days to the mortgage company., to any place he owed money he paid everything he could, leaving him apparently only enough money to buy rope and three shots of 99 bananas (its a strong liquer) i guess to give him that last bit of courage...i j ust pray hes finally at peace, he didnt do this to hurt me, i wont ever believe that despite what everyone says, he did it to give the peace i begged for, the peace he was unable to give in life...well mike, just want to let you know I AM NOT AT PEACE!!! and I would let you yell, scream and call me thirty times a day, if you would have just stayed alive...im so sorry darling, im just so sorry.

fia said...

Tara,
I have been thinking about you a lot recently, and I have no words to express how sorry I am to hear of the traumatic and devastating things that your family has been going through. All of the feelings you're having (the alternating hope and hopelessness, the rage, the fear, the guilt) they are utterly understandable and utterly normal.

I am glad you have your treatment team to help you through this - even when it feels like working with them is the last thing you want to do or are able to do.

I urge you to get all three of your children into therapy. They have experienced a series of traumas in their short lives and they absolutely need that kind of help right now. Alyssa would not be happier if you had died instead of Mike, but she is dealing with feelings that are beyond her capability, as a seven-year-old, to manage. It is more than could possibly be asked of you, in your own traumatized and devastated state, to provide your kids with the therapeutic help that they need all on your own. PLEASE get them help if you have not already done so, or ask your sister or mother (or whoever makes the most sense) to do the legwork for you if it feels too much. They are young, especially Isaiah, but they desperately need this help, just as you do.

I don't want to sound like I'm doing product placement, here, but I want to tell you that my father is a specialist in childhood traumatic grief, and he has recently published a book for parents who are dealing with their own grief while trying to help their children also manage their grief and confusion. It's called "The Journey Through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief is Shared". His name is Robert Zucker. It's a really amazing resource, and I am NOT just saying this because he's my dad.

Actually, I think I'm going to send you an email. Sorry to ramble on so long here.

I am thinking of you. You CAN get through this, but I hear that it feels like you can't.
Hold on, Tara.

love,
Sophia

Zena said...

fia,
yes send me an email...Zack has an apt. on tuesday evening...we r working on one for Alyssa and well Isaiah I just dont know...he really cant process much...hes not even 3...thankyou...i will look for the book...today has been an especially hard day...lots of trips locking myself in the bathroom to crawl into my tub and sob...