Saturday, February 28, 2009

In hell or maybe not

and I wonder for just how long it will last...Im sad and disabled and and feeling so alone. no pills in 24 hours which is good I just wish i could reign in the purging, or maybe I dont...

i remember when I was in high school and I used to row for the crew team I was the captain and seat 6 and I was a powerhouse..those seasons I can remember were the only time I ate well enough to compensate for my exercise. I remember the amazing feeling of winning races and the control I felt with the oar in my hand.

"Its not the burning in your lungs or the aching in your legs, its the voice inside you that yells cant but you don't listen, you just push harder, and you discover the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are!"

that quote kinda fits where I am in life right now, there is this voice inside of me yelling cant cant cant NO NO NO and I am trying so hard not to listen ...I just need to push harder folks I need to discover the person I really am not the one I think I am...well fuck who the hell am I anyway...other then the chic with the eating disorder.

I fought so hard back then to be the girl who didn't have the ED, to be the girl who loved her sport and fought like hell for her position and now 14 years later I am here again fighting for my spot in this world, for my life, for what feels real and what I want to be real...so what is it that I want??

I want you guys, I want to feel that burning in my lungs and the achig in my legs and the and I dont want to listen to the voice that yells cant so what can I do ...I can write I can write and scream at this Ed and tell it to go away cause really, ED is no match for the girl I really am!!!

love, Z

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Being stupid....really

so like what is the definition of stupidity anyway??..humpth...lets see she is well about my height my weight and has my color eyes...oh wait.shit she s me!!!

Saw DR.A today..things could have gone smoother I might say...she made me contract that I wouldn't take any more laxatives/and or purge, she says I am going to die ( shes the Ed specialist)so I have to go back in 4 weeks instead of the regular 3 months everyone else gets to see her...I'm special!!! yeah for being special and ummm oh yeah STUPID!!!!

Your probably thinking well why oh why is this fairly intelligent who cant spell so STUPID...Ill tell you why...i know I am keeping you on the edge of your seat..I went and bought more after handing them over to K last night and all the drama that ensued in her office ( tell you bout that in a minute)..yep thats right stupid old me went to the grocery store ate a piece of ham and freaked out...and took thee right there in the store WTF, I say WTF@!

back to last night s drama...I walked into Ks office and was like I have to give you my poison..I m killing myself and I feel like shit...my heart was racing, my stomach was cramping, hell I could barely leave the bathroom, but she wouldnt let me leave her office...water and balance bar or hospital...what well Ill drink the water but fuck if I was going to eat the balance bar right in front of her plus my dinner...now thats just a little excessive...but you need potassiun and sodium she pracitlly is in tears by this point and Im feeling really bad for putting her in this position. she wouldnt let me cross my legs and I still refused the balance bar but I drank the water, much to her relief.

Monday, February 23, 2009

My Husband hates me

No really he does

while I was IP I met a guy and befriended him...we exchanged phone numbers...I told M about it I wasn't trying to hide anything. the numbers were ripped up and I realize that it was the wrong thing to do. well M has been harping on the J thing for like ever...he says I have ruined him. I was drunk the other night and M asked me if I would have slept with J and I said Yes ...why I said that I dont know cause I wouldnt have but its eating him alive and I dont know how to fix it.

I think hes going to leave me

really this time I think he has had enough

between my Ed, my careless spending and now me being an I dont know stupid ass..hes says hes ruined...I have no defense for actions other then I was NOT innmy right frame of mind and I dont know what I was thinking. I do not want to cheat on my husband. I never would. But he thinks that I would and thats all that seems to matter right now. I dont know How to convince him otherwise. I love him and I know I dont show it or say it enough but really I do..so what to I do...He makes and is saing I am nothing but a cheap slut although nothing happened...hes convinced it would have. the thing is I am the one who told him about J I mean if I never said anything he w would have never known...ugh How do I get myself in to these messes??

Is the diseases??

I mean I wont have sex with M ( hence part of the problem) I would nt have sex with anyone I mean geez i feel like I am fat cow I would never let anyone see my body undressed...hello...I have an ED..ugh...this sucks and i dont know what to do or say to make this better for him. he says i am ruining his life. maybe i am. maybe he deserves better. Maybe we would be better apart. I just dont know anymore...what do I do folks how do i make this better?? any thoughts?? or do you all think I am a whore too...you probally do. why am I even posting this??

Z

Saturday, February 21, 2009

hey

Friday, February 20, 2009

So hes coming

AACCCKKKKKK

I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...

can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.

I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.

Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.

SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!

Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.

Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.

My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then too...so I will, once I get one good day others seem to follow..so yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!

M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!

Love, Z

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Recovery hurts and so do I

I saw my Pdoc today and she is only prescibing me one week worths of meds at a time..Iam do depressed and not to be trusted with such strong meds with to much of them, things feel hellish. How do I go from being so excited about S to wanting to swallow all my pills and end it all...tell me how does that happen.

things are hard this Recovery thing is hard, feeling full is hard, harder then I ever thought it would be, I purged 2xs in the last 1 day...dinner last night and lunch today, now today I get I was alone and full and feeling low and depressed but what about yesterday...I stayed at my madre's for an hour after dinner and I still went home and purged I just couldnt take teh "extra" I ate.

I need something, some kind of motivation. i need to think of the positives!!

some positives are well I went to dinner with my mom (out) and stepfather on valentines day...and not only did I order my safe little salad but I added a baked potatoe to that..even stole a couple of babys fries...ohhhhh scary stuff. I am really stressing over this shit with my dad, positive though is I have managed to avoid him sice the last time I was IP and he made a suprize visit.

I will have to see him in about a monthfor As birthday party..and his birthday is comeing up soon, ack i just dont want to deal.

I want to be thinner

thats all that has been wieghing on me today, yesterday I was "okay" with my body today I want to slice parts of it off..how does that happen in one day...I miss S already...I think I will email her and tell her how much I am struggeling, her sons in florida, and A leaves for florida with my sister on friday, did I tell you all about that?? maybe thats why I feel fat...Im going to miss my baby girl...could that be it??

How does one know what the real issue is when you have been feeling like such shit for so long 14 yrs now, nearly half my life.

I want to be thinner

thats not the real issue that I know but what to do when thats all you can think about...

blahhhhhh

friends I need some love

Z

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

S is back yahhhoooo!

I just had breakfast!!! Go me!!!

I am off to see S and I cant wait!!!

Wish me luck I will update as soon as I get home.

I have to take the kids with me so that will suck but A will wait in the waiting room and Z man is at camp so it will just be baby I in the room with me..ohhh I cant wait!!!

love, Z

Sunday, February 15, 2009

what keeps you going???

when you want to quit, i was just curious for all of use folks out there in recovery land. How do you push through the anguish. I mean I know the Ed casues anguish but hell so does REcovery,

We just finished watching spider man ( well atually I fell asleep) guess it couldnt have been that great a movie but the Z man loves spider man boy whatever he is...anyway i want to be spider man a fly...leap ...or whatever it is that he does and bound from building to building and save and rescue my fellow humans...so why the fudge cant I or wont i rescue myself...huh??? got an answer for that one...yeah I didnt think so.

I was thinking back to remuda ( thanks to jena) and it got me thinking anout what I really need to be doing...some hard core body image, body loathing negating, deep ass digging into the world of why Tara thats me folks thats my real ass name what keeps Tara with an Ed.

I felt it appropriate to use my real name as I am being truly real!!!

no more making this ohhh I cant do recovery bullshit, time to hop on the horse as they would say at remuda...So here folks heres what made me want to change, heres what I thought I would do when I left remuda heres my commitments..well heres some of them

*I am commited to not counting calories

* I am comitted tofollow my MP in its entirety

* I am committed to not fasting

* I am commited to no exercise for one year

* I am commited to not use gum as a way to suppress hunger

* I am commited to not obbessively clean ina way to burn calories

* I am commited to nottake laxitives or diaretics

* am commited to limiting to limiting my caffine intake

* I will not consume dt. pepsi or diet products

* I will not binge nor purge

* I am commited to not isolating myslef from ,y family friends or tx team

* Iam commited to taking all my medications

what do think folks this is whta I need to do in order to recover do you think I can do it???

Love, Z

Saturday, February 14, 2009

okay...not okay

thing s suck the big one I am trying but you know they suck knobby knobs balls...I am on a break from cleaning and I thought I would blog about my suckiness. so far a yogurt and it 1:25pm...okay so things are not okay and I suck good thing is no purging yet today..and I am having dinner with the mom figure.

I just want to go back to sleep

help guys I feel like shit

Z

Thursday, February 12, 2009

the Act of purging

may trigger















jamming a toothbrush down ones throat, til one bleeds from ones insides is a physically devastating thing. Yesterday I felt liek crap all day, my throat was swollen shut, I could barely talk and I just felt like general crap, so why why do I do it to myself. as I layed on the bathroom floor tuesday night I screamed at my self no more I cant take anymore and then as if it were out of my control...I bent over again to make sure there was only bile left in my poor little tummy..I didnt want to do it, it hurt, I cryed, I begged for it to stop...and as I collassed into a heap on my floor I cryed some more. M came home and said wow you look terriable, you purged didnt you?? yes I said. Why? why do you insist on hurting yourslef?

SO here are my answers to the question of the moment...

REcovery is scary!!!!

Im not sure I can do this...

I deserve to hurt

I am bad

I ate to much food

It numbs me from the real feelings

ahhhhhh so thats it..what are the real feeling???

fear

anxiety

self loathing

ummmm wellness....

yes wellness, I know an on odd feeling to try to escape from but when its so different from everything you have ever known its a very scary feeling, I mean what if I am able to accomplish wellness...what if I am able to recover..oh freak..what would that mean???

well it would mean resbonsibility, growing up, living a true life, being a good mom, a good wife, not being dependent on S and K. depending on me, finding my true passions..whatever the heck they may be.

The act of purging is a vile self depricating thing to do to ones self and i dont want it in nmy life any more...

so here are the steps I plan to follow to ensure I dont injure myself anymore

follow MP

imply the 15 min delay method

journal if the urge comes not later but immediatly

make it a non option

no binging

no restricting

no over eating for anxiety reasons

call K if i cant manageto talk myself out of it

reach out to M if I am scared


okay so thats the plan, i need to rid my life of teh purging, its holding me back from living.


TODAY is my LAST day at php I will use it to my benifit and talk out my issues

Iam done with teh physical and emotional repercussion purging ensues on my life..I will need all the back up I can get are you guys up for it...???


Love, Z

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

on my own

I have only one day left of PHP and thats thursday so i saw K last night and we made menus for today and wenesday and I am to call her per anyy problems I might have...so I just went grocery shopping and got all the goods needed to complete my mp....ekkkkk Im on my own here folks and I am a little scared..okay you got me ALLOT scared.

I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell

S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.

I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.

M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!

gosh I am anxious.

Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)

I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.

I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.

ugh

so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!

okay love you all

Z

Sunday, February 8, 2009

end of weekend post

so I thought I might give a little update on to how my weekend went. Well I spent ALL day saturday in bed. I was sick as hell...which threw off my eating which really sucked...and its been kinda hard to get back on track today I so far have had 2 small meals that no way makes up for how much I moved today...I scrubbed my house cause as you all know when women sleep men just like to lay around and let the kids DESTROY the house...so thats what happened my house was destroyed.

its clean now!!! yeah!!!

laundry is done!!! yeah!!!

and I am feeling better!!! yeah!!!

M is making dinner right now, steak and potatoes....MAN FOOD!!! but I will eat it...

oaky M just read what I wrote and he wants me to add that he has also been sick for 8 LONG ASS days..and is still on the mend. we wont mention that he got me sick..the bastard...

It s been long for him but even longer for me:)

anyway we will be eating dinner soon and then doing A s homework...hopefullly watching the movie, "fire proof" which if you are in a marriage that needs work I hear is a great movie...Its a christian film but it makes sense for everyone.

Alyssa is going to florida in 12 days...with my sister, to visit my nana, whom is despertly awaiting to see my dear one...

we are talking about maybe seeing if we can take a trip to florida...and see if maybe we can go to Disney for a few days...maybe take some of our income tax money and just splurge..who knows its a thought...and a dam good one if you ask me..wouldnt that be a great way to celebrate recovery being real with my family..gosh I am getting excited just thinking about it!!!

well heres a sad side not and then I will conclude...M had his sperm tested and he has none due to the vesetomy...sad...cry...cause I think I want another baby..I know it would nt be good for me and my family as we cant afford it but I want it none the less...ahhhh sad ...cry..

Love, Z

Friday, February 6, 2009

Who Rocks??

well I do of course!!!

yeah baby I am kicking this Ed shit all over the place...last night went great dinner, snack NO PURGING!!!!

I knew I could do it and I knew you all believed in me too...thankyou!!!

I spoke with S last night ( well emailed) and it went well, ahe is going away this weekend so I wont be leaning on her...she has me comeing back the 17th of Febuary...so hopefully that means PHP will be OVER!

I am getting a little sick of it anyway...I will most definately miss teh girls but I need to move on with my life you know...anyway M had dinner with last night even though he felt ill all cause I used my voice and told him I needed support...another reason why I am rocking it!!!

so whats been going on...lets see

Z man had a horriable asthma attack on wenesday...we had to go to the doc for txs (nebulizer) and his O2 level went back up after just one treatment ..thankgod!

M has been sick in bed since sunday...which really sucks for him and me...cause a) he has been no help on the food front...and b) he has felt liek shit and thats no fun for anyone.

the baby is talking a little more he says "I dont know" which sounds like Idunno...but I know what he means and its so cute...ask him where his coat is and you get Idunno. awwww its just the sweetest.

A has been doing great she is a real trip you know...smart as hell she is, the other day she said to me and M you wont be able to spell out words forever ...I learing how to read. we were like uhhhh well then...what will we do when she knows everything we are saying..cripes we will have to move to sign laguage..lol...or the bedroom.

So folks things are looking up and I dont hate my body as much today...dont like it very much but at least the loathing has some what subsided...I mean I dont want to slice off any body parts today...which is always good!!!

okay folks have a great day..for sure I am going to try to.

Love, Z

Thursday, February 5, 2009

moderation

I can not just jump with 2 feet into REcovery ...its to much pressure to be fucking perfect all the time...REcovery is not a STRAIGHT LINE. its more like a bumpy road with lots of Big ASS bumps...yes I am swearing cause I get to get it out somewhere, and well this is my outlet...no one else seems to hear me. I am off to see K in a few minutes and I am going to talk to her about moderation...that this black and white perfectionist thing isnt working and I am falling back into old patterns, like if I dont follow my MP completely then why bother at all just purge or restrict...STUPID!!!!

Now when I follow it 100% I feel GREAT...flipping wonderful like I am a true winner but when I dont well then I am big time LOSSER...and I cant help it and I am sorry to keep harping on it but my FIL comments really are eating at me I need to process them in group cause if I dont well then I can tell you all hell is going to break loose in my Ed behavior cause its eating at me literlly and figurtivly.

So I think my MP is too big...no one else agrees...so I guess once again I am wrong...blahhhh, I will talk to K about this today and about the FIL comments casue geez its really pissing me off...like for real, and i think I am starting to get my period oh joy!


okay so back to the moderation thing I do everything in all or nothing formats..either my house is sparkeling like yesterday or like to day it a bloody mess, why cause I have three kids and if I dont stay on top of it ALL the time then it gets trashed...but that needs to be okay things need to be okay when they arent perfect, I need to let go of being perfect...any ideas?

ohhhhh my fIL is pissing me off, first of all M has been sick for like a WEEK, yes a week, he has been in bed for well today is the 5th day, and I have to go to PHP and they dont want to watch teh kids cause Zack was throwing up yesterday well he was throwing up from his asthma...he would cough so hard he would puke...so gross but he has has three nebulizer txs and is doing much better still needs tehm every four hours but anywho so they werent going to take any of the kids they were goign to make M watch all three kids sick as he is..well I guess they had a change of heart and are taking the baby and A...so M only has Z to deal with...but how unreal is that they want me to get better ( I missed tx yesterday) but they were insisting I stay home and not go to program AGAIN. what up with that??

arrrrrgggggg...they irriatate me!!!

okay but I need to moderate

I cant be pissed forever, I need to let go and let god ...Right? how do you guys get over it when you think you have been wronged?? I would be interested to hear.

okay enough of a rant..hope you all have a great day!!

Love, Z

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I am going to Recover...right??

I mean really thats what the goal is here to be free of this demon that consumes my insides. SO I had a run in with the father in law monday..not good, as I was dropping my baby off to them so I could go to PHP to get better this is what from him...

"I am putting you on notice...I am sick of this crap, you need to grow up and be a mother, YOU need to cut this crap out...you never get any better, you dont even try...and I read your phycological assesment...enough of this you need to pull it together cause we are done, plus you treat my son like crap"

to me he pretty much said you dirty bitch you are worthless and you dont deserve to recover, see you never will and this is all a waste of everyones time.

I need to put this out of my head cause its all I have been able to think about, it left a mark in my brain, I left thier house and had to drive a half an hour to PHP...crying ....fucking hysterically.

I will be back later...Zman is throwing up again...oh the joys of motherhood!

Z

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I think I am getting sick :(

not good for a chic with an ED...to start to feel the body aches , lack of well you know appitite...and all the other shit that comes with being sick..I need some sympathy guys. M has the flu and hes on a diet so I am sure he loving the not being able to eat thing...which is so triggering...but anyway what you gonna do about it. the kids want to go to a Super bowl party and I want to go to bed!!!Besides I am having a SEVERE body hateing day...so bad in fact I want to cut off parts of my body..I cant stand it when I dont feel good both physically and emotionally...it sucks the nutter butter...what do you guys do to make yourself feel better when you want to rip your skin off???


ugh I feel like such shit all the way around....waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

besides well never mind no I cant goto php tomorrow cause lack of child watchers in other words BABYSITTERS, even though they all are not techincally babys..ummm I think I am delirious cause I am really rambleing..oh and here s the best part M, think I am pregnant by another man, he thinks I had an affair while IP, completely irrational..If Im pregnant its cause his boys survived teh vesectmy...oh me oh my, my life is sucking right now

LOVE, Z