Recovery hurts and so do I

I saw my Pdoc today and she is only prescibing me one week worths of meds at a time..Iam do depressed and not to be trusted with such strong meds with to much of them, things feel hellish. How do I go from being so excited about S to wanting to swallow all my pills and end it all...tell me how does that happen.

things are hard this Recovery thing is hard, feeling full is hard, harder then I ever thought it would be, I purged 2xs in the last 1 day...dinner last night and lunch today, now today I get I was alone and full and feeling low and depressed but what about yesterday...I stayed at my madre's for an hour after dinner and I still went home and purged I just couldnt take teh "extra" I ate.

I need something, some kind of motivation. i need to think of the positives!!

some positives are well I went to dinner with my mom (out) and stepfather on valentines day...and not only did I order my safe little salad but I added a baked potatoe to that..even stole a couple of babys fries...ohhhhh scary stuff. I am really stressing over this shit with my dad, positive though is I have managed to avoid him sice the last time I was IP and he made a suprize visit.

I will have to see him in about a monthfor As birthday party..and his birthday is comeing up soon, ack i just dont want to deal.

I want to be thinner

thats all that has been wieghing on me today, yesterday I was "okay" with my body today I want to slice parts of it off..how does that happen in one day...I miss S already...I think I will email her and tell her how much I am struggeling, her sons in florida, and A leaves for florida with my sister on friday, did I tell you all about that?? maybe thats why I feel fat...Im going to miss my baby girl...could that be it??

How does one know what the real issue is when you have been feeling like such shit for so long 14 yrs now, nearly half my life.

I want to be thinner

thats not the real issue that I know but what to do when thats all you can think about...

blahhhhhh

friends I need some love

Z