Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Recovery hurts and so do I

I saw my Pdoc today and she is only prescibing me one week worths of meds at a time..Iam do depressed and not to be trusted with such strong meds with to much of them, things feel hellish. How do I go from being so excited about S to wanting to swallow all my pills and end it all...tell me how does that happen.

things are hard this Recovery thing is hard, feeling full is hard, harder then I ever thought it would be, I purged 2xs in the last 1 day...dinner last night and lunch today, now today I get I was alone and full and feeling low and depressed but what about yesterday...I stayed at my madre's for an hour after dinner and I still went home and purged I just couldnt take teh "extra" I ate.

I need something, some kind of motivation. i need to think of the positives!!

some positives are well I went to dinner with my mom (out) and stepfather on valentines day...and not only did I order my safe little salad but I added a baked potatoe to that..even stole a couple of babys fries...ohhhhh scary stuff. I am really stressing over this shit with my dad, positive though is I have managed to avoid him sice the last time I was IP and he made a suprize visit.

I will have to see him in about a monthfor As birthday party..and his birthday is comeing up soon, ack i just dont want to deal.

I want to be thinner

thats all that has been wieghing on me today, yesterday I was "okay" with my body today I want to slice parts of it off..how does that happen in one day...I miss S already...I think I will email her and tell her how much I am struggeling, her sons in florida, and A leaves for florida with my sister on friday, did I tell you all about that?? maybe thats why I feel fat...Im going to miss my baby girl...could that be it??

How does one know what the real issue is when you have been feeling like such shit for so long 14 yrs now, nearly half my life.

I want to be thinner

thats not the real issue that I know but what to do when thats all you can think about...

blahhhhhh

friends I need some love

Z

10 comments:

Telstaar said...

*hugs* Oh I feel your pain hunni. One day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time.

I was wondering, would it be useful to make up cards of what you're going to do (recovery wise) and place them around the house on walls? Or at least in strategic locations? Some people might find these "reminders" useful and others might find it triggering. I guess, I just wonder if you use some of your reasons for recovery and some of the positive things you're going to do to help that, coloured brightly etc, maybe it would help?? I'm not sure. I figure you'd need to discuss with M anyway but just a random idea.

*hugs and prayers*

Thinking of you

xox

Zena said...

thats a GREAT Idea, I m sure M would mind...anything in the name of Recovery right??

off to see K the Dietian

wish me luck

love, Z

DaftDragon said...

Aww, sad! sending good vibes- I totally get the ok with body one day/ hate it the next thing. I don't know much about "deeper issues" but it sounds like you ARE making progress here- you went to dinner, your acknowledging that deeper issues exist, etc. Feel beautiful/ Be strong!

PTC said...

I wish it wasn't such an up and down thing. It sucks. I hope you can get through it. I think you can.

Just Eat It! said...

Oh man, I know what it's like to feel okay one day then have horrible body image the next day. Half the time I find myself being nostalgic for times when I was smaller. But, alas, it is not consistent with recovery for me to be smaller.

My favorite self-esteem building craft is to make positive-message collages. Plus cutting up magazines is very distracting and relaxing.

I think it's great that you did go out to dinner. I hope tomorrow is a better day and I am sending virtual hugs your way. <3

firefly said...

Hey Tara: I read the past few entries. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. You and I both know that it's not the feeling fat, could it be that you and S may be able to start looking at the things you mentioned? Yes, it's scary and that's when ed shows face but if you can use healthy coping skills you will have beaten ed. I know you can do this hon. I have faith in you! Love ya,

belinda said...

tara, my lovely sweet fighter.
i am sorry things are so hard right now, i am sorry you suffer the ups and the downs. they hurt honey, i know, i know & i wish i could take it away.

you know all too well that i understand where you are and you also know that i am kicking in, beside you, hand in hand thru the good times and the difficult times.

you are good
you are safe

it is perfectly natural for a mother to be anxious about her little girl going away.

you are adorable.
i love you
x

Sarah said...

I love you honey. I wish I had some words of wisdom to send you, but I'm sending a lot of love. I'm holding your hand.

remember

breathe in faith

breathe out fear

Zena said...

thanks guys((((to you all)))

after a simply dreadfull day yesterday I am getting back on track today I had a healthy breakfast then distracted myself through cleaning...

Yesterday was so bad...I ate dinner at my moms before my apt. with K I w as feeling so aweful..I tryed to call K but she didnt answer her phone( she was with another client)..I ended up purging in the bathroom in the building she works in, I was humiliated...I told her which was terriable but she was kind and said instead of reaming me out she told me how brave I was for confessing...that the past is in the past and to leave it there..to move on into the present...so folks thats what I am trying to do...move on.

I am going t o practice some restoritive yoga later and email S my plan for the day..I have got to get a good day under my belt..one good day leads to another...right?

love, Z

Jena (Violet) said...

(((((ZENA))))))))
Love & hugs to you xoxoxo

I feel the pain about the meds- I pick up my meds once a week too. See? You're not the only one.