Thursday, February 5, 2009

moderation

I can not just jump with 2 feet into REcovery ...its to much pressure to be fucking perfect all the time...REcovery is not a STRAIGHT LINE. its more like a bumpy road with lots of Big ASS bumps...yes I am swearing cause I get to get it out somewhere, and well this is my outlet...no one else seems to hear me. I am off to see K in a few minutes and I am going to talk to her about moderation...that this black and white perfectionist thing isnt working and I am falling back into old patterns, like if I dont follow my MP completely then why bother at all just purge or restrict...STUPID!!!!

Now when I follow it 100% I feel GREAT...flipping wonderful like I am a true winner but when I dont well then I am big time LOSSER...and I cant help it and I am sorry to keep harping on it but my FIL comments really are eating at me I need to process them in group cause if I dont well then I can tell you all hell is going to break loose in my Ed behavior cause its eating at me literlly and figurtivly.

So I think my MP is too big...no one else agrees...so I guess once again I am wrong...blahhhh, I will talk to K about this today and about the FIL comments casue geez its really pissing me off...like for real, and i think I am starting to get my period oh joy!


okay so back to the moderation thing I do everything in all or nothing formats..either my house is sparkeling like yesterday or like to day it a bloody mess, why cause I have three kids and if I dont stay on top of it ALL the time then it gets trashed...but that needs to be okay things need to be okay when they arent perfect, I need to let go of being perfect...any ideas?

ohhhhh my fIL is pissing me off, first of all M has been sick for like a WEEK, yes a week, he has been in bed for well today is the 5th day, and I have to go to PHP and they dont want to watch teh kids cause Zack was throwing up yesterday well he was throwing up from his asthma...he would cough so hard he would puke...so gross but he has has three nebulizer txs and is doing much better still needs tehm every four hours but anywho so they werent going to take any of the kids they were goign to make M watch all three kids sick as he is..well I guess they had a change of heart and are taking the baby and A...so M only has Z to deal with...but how unreal is that they want me to get better ( I missed tx yesterday) but they were insisting I stay home and not go to program AGAIN. what up with that??

arrrrrgggggg...they irriatate me!!!

okay but I need to moderate

I cant be pissed forever, I need to let go and let god ...Right? how do you guys get over it when you think you have been wronged?? I would be interested to hear.

okay enough of a rant..hope you all have a great day!!

Love, Z

6 comments:

Sarah said...

ugh, OUCH! It's hard when people get in the way of our recovery. It really sucks.

Here's all I will say about your FIL -- he doesn't get a vote in your recovery. Not unless you give him one. Don't let him occupy space in your head. I think it's good that you are going to take these comments to group and process them, he was wrong, obviously wrong, but the comments will have as much power over you as you decide to give them.

When I think I have been wronged I usually have to talk it out with my sponsor, maybe my therapist, a friend or two, and I try to see all sides because often my own perceptions are wrong. They just are . . . I don't always see things very clearly. I definitely don't make good decisions all the time. The deeper I am in my disease mind, the more true that is. I'm just telling you the way things are for me -- I'm not trying to dismiss what he did, because that was an awful thing to say. I'm just saying that it usually goes better for me when I respond to something, rather than immediately react. does that make sense?

xoxo

PTC said...

What is "FIL?" I must be a moron.

Zena said...

your not a moron...Father in law

will be back later to comment

Zena said...

Sarah,
the problem is I havent responed at all, I have just held it all in and told you guys and people at group but we really havent talked about it much...did I say that he also read my phyc. assesment from IP...not his right at all..and threw it in my face that I really was crazy. I decieded today not to give him my power, today is going to be a purge free day if I have chain myself to the floor...it just wasnt what I needed to hear especially THAT day! I know I need to move on its just like harsh words do not roll of my back easily..but I can also see his point its been a long three years of tx, and I am sure it can be fustrating...5 IP stays and 4 PHPS its a lot of tx...I get that I guess I just want them to know I am trying for reals this time and I need all the support not put downs I can get.

Love, Z

belinda said...

i'm here honey
and i totally love you!

you CAN do this
and yes, it can be a bumpy friggen road sometimes ;)

X

firefly said...

I'm glad to hear that you are trying for real this time. I'm glad that you can use your voice and tell people when you need support. I think a big mistake I tend to make and don't know if its true for you but thinking you have to do it all alone. I don't think you should ignore the comments the your fil made because I think it is good that you can acknowledge that they really hurt you. I think it is good to have a place to say this is how his comments made you feel. How did he see your psych report anyway?Remember every day is a winding road but you get a little bit closer to feeling fine. Baby steps.