Tuesday, February 10, 2009

on my own

I have only one day left of PHP and thats thursday so i saw K last night and we made menus for today and wenesday and I am to call her per anyy problems I might have...so I just went grocery shopping and got all the goods needed to complete my mp....ekkkkk Im on my own here folks and I am a little scared..okay you got me ALLOT scared.

I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell

S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.

I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.

M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!

gosh I am anxious.

Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)

I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.

I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.


so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!

okay love you all



Jena (Violet) said...

Zena- I am so happy for you that you have been able to gather the strength and courage to take these steps forward in your journey to recovery. You have will power! And it's so nice to hear you feeling a bit more hopeful. I think you are an inspiration to others too. Even people who are in different situations. I hope all continues to go well :) Jena xoxo

PTC said...

Hey Z,

You can do it. Just remember to ask for help when you need it. Don't let things go for too long or get out of hand. Use your support. You can do it.

Zena said...

Ihave fucked it all up folks ..Im such a loser...cry

Telstaar said...

Oh sweetie, what happened???

Don't give up! Things are hurdles and some of them are BIG hurdles and some of them just look insurrmountable. Perhaps you have a BIG hurdle but we'll build up our muscles to help you over them. Don't give up! You won't let me (apparently) so I'm not gonna let you either!

You have a tough road ahead of you, but you've survived and eating disorder and having three kids you can do ANYTHING!

Here and cheering you on,

Love Telly xo

PTC said...

What happened?

Zena said...

I purged...I went and purged..so my black and white thinking is that I failed..so i purged like 4 more times, but I am back on track this morning with a healthy breakfast...yes...I will do this...


PTC said...

Man, that has to hurt (physically)

Zena said...

yes it hurt very much so.to the point where it hurts to swallow today...so easy to eat foods...eggs..soup...yogurt...but I am doing it, I am so mentally and phyically drained from yesterday...I just need to recoup today.

love, Z

Jena (Violet) said...

Girl, you will get through this. You hit a rough patch but it's a set back- not a fail! You can still do this "on your own". I know you have in you. I am so sorry for the pain that this must have caused you- physically and emotionally. You have (at the very least) me and others here at the blog who are here for you and support you in this recovery. Like PTC said earlier, just remember to ask for help when you need it. **Hugs** Will be thinking of you lotss.
xoxo Jena

zubeldia said...

hey baby, sorry to be so absent. My life is feeling a little hectic with work, etc. But I've been reading and wondering how you are... and I know today is your last day, and I KNOW, just know that you have the ability to change things permanently.

The purging made you feel pretty lousy, it seems. I wonder if you can write about what it did to you physically and pyschologically... because I don't see it being good for your self-esteem or self-worth.

You're worth so much, hon. Keep fighting.

Love Z