I have only one day left of PHP and thats thursday so i saw K last night and we made menus for today and wenesday and I am to call her per anyy problems I might have...so I just went grocery shopping and got all the goods needed to complete my mp....ekkkkk Im on my own here folks and I am a little scared..okay you got me ALLOT scared.
I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell
S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.
I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.
M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!
gosh I am anxious.
Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)
I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.
I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.
so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!
okay love you all