Saturday, February 28, 2009

In hell or maybe not

and I wonder for just how long it will last...Im sad and disabled and and feeling so alone. no pills in 24 hours which is good I just wish i could reign in the purging, or maybe I dont...

i remember when I was in high school and I used to row for the crew team I was the captain and seat 6 and I was a powerhouse..those seasons I can remember were the only time I ate well enough to compensate for my exercise. I remember the amazing feeling of winning races and the control I felt with the oar in my hand.

"Its not the burning in your lungs or the aching in your legs, its the voice inside you that yells cant but you don't listen, you just push harder, and you discover the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are!"

that quote kinda fits where I am in life right now, there is this voice inside of me yelling cant cant cant NO NO NO and I am trying so hard not to listen ...I just need to push harder folks I need to discover the person I really am not the one I think I am...well fuck who the hell am I anyway...other then the chic with the eating disorder.

I fought so hard back then to be the girl who didn't have the ED, to be the girl who loved her sport and fought like hell for her position and now 14 years later I am here again fighting for my spot in this world, for my life, for what feels real and what I want to be what is it that I want??

I want you guys, I want to feel that burning in my lungs and the achig in my legs and the and I dont want to listen to the voice that yells cant so what can I do ...I can write I can write and scream at this Ed and tell it to go away cause really, ED is no match for the girl I really am!!!

love, Z


belinda said...

i love you Z
keep fighting!
i know you have the strength baby

DaftDragon said...

that's a wicked inspiring story. I was a field hockey player and captain mvp and all that and that was the only time in my life when I was really eating enough. Great resolve Z, you can beat this bullshit.

Jena said...

I agree with the comments above. I also resonated with this because for me, you really encapsulated how I feel about my bipolar. Isn't it interesting that when we're afflicted with a chronic illness that is life changing and debilitating, that thought diagnoses can be different but often the hearts and thoughts are similar?

CQ said...

Hang in there. I just wrote a blog entry where part of the title was "the good fight". It never ceases to amaze me how much on the same page we all are on recovery. I think that is why an active community is so important.

Hang in there. Soon ED's voice will be a ghost whisper and your voice will be a beautiful song.

Feisty Frida said...

This was so inspirational, really. I'm in the process of making my plan, my plan to get out of the cycle I'm in now. I've done it before, I'll do it again. What baffles my mind is, how the hell do I get back into this crappy cycle? That's what I have to pinpoint this time 'round...once I'm out.

Thanks Z, this was awesome.


Zena said...

thankyou means so much that you guys found this was my first purge free day in a long while...I did it guys..I DID IT!!!!

love, Z

firefly said...

Tara: Go for day two tomorrow. You are worth it. Each day is a fight but you can do it with God's help. I love you!

belinda said...

love your work girl
great fucking effort!!
you rock!