and I wonder for just how long it will last...Im sad and disabled and and feeling so alone. no pills in 24 hours which is good I just wish i could reign in the purging, or maybe I dont...
i remember when I was in high school and I used to row for the crew team I was the captain and seat 6 and I was a powerhouse..those seasons I can remember were the only time I ate well enough to compensate for my exercise. I remember the amazing feeling of winning races and the control I felt with the oar in my hand.
"Its not the burning in your lungs or the aching in your legs, its the voice inside you that yells cant but you don't listen, you just push harder, and you discover the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are!"
that quote kinda fits where I am in life right now, there is this voice inside of me yelling cant cant cant NO NO NO and I am trying so hard not to listen ...I just need to push harder folks I need to discover the person I really am not the one I think I am...well fuck who the hell am I anyway...other then the chic with the eating disorder.
I fought so hard back then to be the girl who didn't have the ED, to be the girl who loved her sport and fought like hell for her position and now 14 years later I am here again fighting for my spot in this world, for my life, for what feels real and what I want to be real...so what is it that I want??
I want you guys, I want to feel that burning in my lungs and the achig in my legs and the and I dont want to listen to the voice that yells cant so what can I do ...I can write I can write and scream at this Ed and tell it to go away cause really, ED is no match for the girl I really am!!!