Friday, February 20, 2009

So hes coming


I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...

can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.

I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.

Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.

SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!

Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.

Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.

My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then I will, once I get one good day others seem to yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!

M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!

Love, Z


PTC said...

Z, let me just tell you that she is much safer in a plan than in a car!! Now, feel better about that. :)

As for your dad, I think it's going to be very difficult but very necessary for you to do. Is she going to give you more time in her office? I know you can get through it and it will be so hard, but I think things can only get better from there, and you can only get better from there.

I love that K lets you call her all the time. That's so nice.

belinda said...

hey Z
you are a brave and courageous chica! this is the real stuff kid and you are doing it!! great great work.

i will come back later, i haven't quite woken up yet! haha


Zena said...

hes comeing...he called this morning and hes comeing..shit, what did I get myself into...he has no idea what it will be like and either do I ..I freaking my friends freaking...ugh..

love, Z

ohh and I called K this morning cause guess who had a purge free weekeend..yep me !!!

firefly said...

Hey Z: I'm glad you are jumping into the dad stuff because I felt the same way(that you were using symptoms to avoid working on the dad stuff)I think by discussing things with him you will be able to see where you really stand with him. It may not be pretty but at least you can work through stuff. I know this isn't going to be easy to do but I have faith that you will be able to get through things. I know it's hard but by addressing the real issues you can prove to yourself that you can survive w/o your ed. I can't wait to hear how it goes. I'm cheering for you!