I swear....

or i would freaking like to cause everyone in my house is driving me insane!!! My daughter is 6 and thinks she is 15...shes become the biggest bitch with the biggest attitude...I just want to scream at her "what is your fing problem...why to hate me so much??" Oh and dont get me strarted on the 4 yr old. ALL HE DOES IS CRY. For everything...he cant have a piece of gum...cry. He cant find his ball...cry. Alyssa is mean to him....cry....oh and he hates me too. How do I know you ask? well cause he told me so!!! what 4 yr old tells there mother the women who gave him life he hates her...Ill tell you who, my kid!!!

where did I go wrong, I feel like I am a pretty good mom, I mean yeah I have an ED but shit, I take them to the park ALL the time, go on field trips, bake cupcakes, mend boo boos, stay all night with hacking kids, clean thier vomit, feed them, love them, hug them kiss them...tell how special they are, how pretty they are how great they are at gymnastics and baseball and singing and soccer. How well they draw, and paint and write. I do thier homework with them, listen to kindergarden drama and show empathy...geez what else can I do...some one tell me PLEASE!!!!

I am so fustrated right now I could practiclly cry I mean really what else could possiably happen. Isaiah fell at Alyssa softball game this morning and busted his lip, I mean he fell right in front of me like I tried to grab him but was a milisecond to late...and why did he fall you ask, well cause Zack tripped him...why would he trip him?? why?? why would he be so mean? did I not love him enough as a baby...maybe casue I cryed when I found out I was having a boy when I was pregnant. I nursed him for 9 months maybe that wasnt enough...maybe he needed more maybe he needed less...who knows.

Then you have Alyssa who wants to eat like ALL the time, and I give in but geez its so fustrating...she eats cause shes bored or lonely or sad or something other tehn hungry...actually ALL my kids lifes revolve around food..anywhere we go the main question is "can we get a snack...whine...." Park....they want a snack...softball, baseball, gymnastics, bowling, bounce and play, you name it they want something and yes I give in allot, cause i dont want them to deny themselves food like I do...where is the happy medium? EVERY WHERE WE GO THEY WANT SOMETHING!!!! and they cry cause I say NO!!! cry cry cry.

I am so fustrated right now...Zack is now crying as I type cause he cant put his pants on after his bath. He literally just said to me "Im to lazy" WTF!!! How did I raise kids like this and will it ever get better? will it ever be peaceful and calm?

I suppose I will wake up one day to an empty house. There will be no babies crying, No kids fighting. No boo boos to clean and kiss to make all better, No stories to read or homework to do. No one to sing songs with or chase in the yard, No ERs to sit in, No vomit to clean, No tears to wipe or games to watch or kids to potty train...I suppose one day I will wake up and realize these were the best years of my life and I missed them cause I spent to much time bitching...but I swear.... This mother thing is hard

okay i feel a little better...maybe Ill go hug a kid or three after all I dont want to miss the good things.

Z

So hes coming

AACCCKKKKKK

I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...

can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.

I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.

Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.

SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!

Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.

Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.

My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then too...so I will, once I get one good day others seem to follow..so yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!

M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!

Love, Z

end of weekend post

so I thought I might give a little update on to how my weekend went. Well I spent ALL day saturday in bed. I was sick as hell...which threw off my eating which really sucked...and its been kinda hard to get back on track today I so far have had 2 small meals that no way makes up for how much I moved today...I scrubbed my house cause as you all know when women sleep men just like to lay around and let the kids DESTROY the house...so thats what happened my house was destroyed.

its clean now!!! yeah!!!

laundry is done!!! yeah!!!

and I am feeling better!!! yeah!!!

M is making dinner right now, steak and potatoes....MAN FOOD!!! but I will eat it...

oaky M just read what I wrote and he wants me to add that he has also been sick for 8 LONG ASS days..and is still on the mend. we wont mention that he got me sick..the bastard...

It s been long for him but even longer for me:)

anyway we will be eating dinner soon and then doing A s homework...hopefullly watching the movie, "fire proof" which if you are in a marriage that needs work I hear is a great movie...Its a christian film but it makes sense for everyone.

Alyssa is going to florida in 12 days...with my sister, to visit my nana, whom is despertly awaiting to see my dear one...

we are talking about maybe seeing if we can take a trip to florida...and see if maybe we can go to Disney for a few days...maybe take some of our income tax money and just splurge..who knows its a thought...and a dam good one if you ask me..wouldnt that be a great way to celebrate recovery being real with my family..gosh I am getting excited just thinking about it!!!

well heres a sad side not and then I will conclude...M had his sperm tested and he has none due to the vesetomy...sad...cry...cause I think I want another baby..I know it would nt be good for me and my family as we cant afford it but I want it none the less...ahhhh sad ...cry..

Love, Z

So I hear you want to quit...

REcovery is hard, like you all didnt know that. Thsi is the point after I leave IP where I deciede its to hard and I want to give up. yep that seems about right 2 weeks after IP and Iam ready to throw in the towel...what a sucker I am...listening to that voice that actually uses my thoughts against me...

ME: This is to hard

ED: IT is I can help you

ME: BUT ED your way never worked before

ED: I have the power I will help you this time...I promise

ME: I cant I have to stay strong, please leave me alone

ED: I hear you want to quit, let me help you, follow me you will be strong and powerful once again

ME: I cant, I want to but I just cant PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

ED: I will always be here

ME: but I am putting my ear plugs in ...leave me alone

this is what I am hearing all fucking day, its never ending really and I know I cant go back and i am really trying but god its so hard. I havent eaten breakfast yet and I know I must its after 10 am.

My symptom usage is startingto grow i purged again last night thats two times this week...fuck, I know I need to plant off and push as K would say but for heavans sake it s hard.

I made the decision to keep seeing K while I am at program...I see her once a week and as long as insurance covers it I need the support, I feel like I am a fish floundering in the shallow water with out a clue how to make it back to deep waters...ugh

In other news yestersay was pajama day at the Z mans preschool...they got to watcha movie and eat popcorn and play in thier PJs all day...what fun, then he had a play date with Alex, while I was at program they played for 5 hours and I think it was really good for him to get some boy time, they played transformers all day and he didnt want to leave..that was great, no really I was glad he had such a good time, and it gave me a chance to talk to a non ED personat least for a little while...it was nice.

A and I spent the day with my richy sister and they went out to luch and out to a cafe for desert...she has an outi, however you spell that kind of car..let me tell you not a kid car...had to put the top down to get the car seats in, it was quite a site, in the dead of winter me with her top down and still struggeling to wrangle the seats in..oh boy that was fun. well the kids had a good time and thats whats important.

I miss S ( S is my T for all you new readers) I miss her terriably...we emailed back and fortth a little the other day and she said she was proud of all the progress I am making...but man I cant wait til I can see her again...

okay I guess I really need to eat something...

blahhhh

i hate Eds

Z