Saturday, January 31, 2009

So I hear you want to quit...

REcovery is hard, like you all didnt know that. Thsi is the point after I leave IP where I deciede its to hard and I want to give up. yep that seems about right 2 weeks after IP and Iam ready to throw in the towel...what a sucker I am...listening to that voice that actually uses my thoughts against me...

ME: This is to hard

ED: IT is I can help you

ME: BUT ED your way never worked before

ED: I have the power I will help you this time...I promise

ME: I cant I have to stay strong, please leave me alone

ED: I hear you want to quit, let me help you, follow me you will be strong and powerful once again

ME: I cant, I want to but I just cant PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

ED: I will always be here

ME: but I am putting my ear plugs in ...leave me alone

this is what I am hearing all fucking day, its never ending really and I know I cant go back and i am really trying but god its so hard. I havent eaten breakfast yet and I know I must its after 10 am.

My symptom usage is startingto grow i purged again last night thats two times this week...fuck, I know I need to plant off and push as K would say but for heavans sake it s hard.

I made the decision to keep seeing K while I am at program...I see her once a week and as long as insurance covers it I need the support, I feel like I am a fish floundering in the shallow water with out a clue how to make it back to deep waters...ugh

In other news yestersay was pajama day at the Z mans preschool...they got to watcha movie and eat popcorn and play in thier PJs all day...what fun, then he had a play date with Alex, while I was at program they played for 5 hours and I think it was really good for him to get some boy time, they played transformers all day and he didnt want to leave..that was great, no really I was glad he had such a good time, and it gave me a chance to talk to a non ED personat least for a little was nice.

A and I spent the day with my richy sister and they went out to luch and out to a cafe for desert...she has an outi, however you spell that kind of car..let me tell you not a kid car...had to put the top down to get the car seats in, it was quite a site, in the dead of winter me with her top down and still struggeling to wrangle the seats in..oh boy that was fun. well the kids had a good time and thats whats important.

I miss S ( S is my T for all you new readers) I miss her terriably...we emailed back and fortth a little the other day and she said she was proud of all the progress I am making...but man I cant wait til I can see her again...

okay I guess I really need to eat something...


i hate Eds



PTC said...

Any chance of going IP for a longer amount of time? I kind of think it would be very beneficial to you.

DaftDragon said...

keep fighting z. don't just ignore the ED voice, talk back to it, scream! I hate you and you ruin my life! You suck all the joy out of my existence! You leave me lonely, drained and desperate! I am never going back to you! ITS OVER! FUCK OFF!!!

Zena said...

pTC, no chance for longer IP saty insurance wont cover it...we paid for remuda out of pocket last year...sad...

You crack me screaming back..ED FUCK OFF!!!...I ate some lunch today so I think Eds backing off at least a little.

Love Z

Jena (Violet) said...

Zena, I'm so new to the lingo for ED, but what is IP and S and T and K?

I'm sorry that you're fighting this internal battle with your ED voice. You are doing the right thing by refuting t and stating you won't have it. Stay strong and it will have no choice but to eventually leave.

I hope you have a great day today :)

belinda said...

IP is inpatient
T is therapist
S is Zenas therapist
K is Zenas dietician/nutri

ok, this IS doable.
you now the pattern.. 2 weeks after IP & ed tries to sneak back in.
it is easier to have the help of a coping mechanism that is familiar.
you know it is lying.
ED always always lies! it is a lying son of a bitch.
this period is a battle, but you can do it. it is going to be hard.

when it is meal time, you just eat. ED will throw its normal tantrum, crying that you are not listening, yelling that it can help you. blah! tell it to fuck off, you've heard it all before, tell it that you are sick to fucking death of all the bullshit and the lies, tell it that the alliance has expired, tell it that while it can try and make you feel shit whilst you nourish and take care of yourself but YOU ARE DOING IT ANYWAY.

keep fighting honey.
this time is critical, you must stay strong and resist the urges. ED does not allow for a part time relationship.


PTC said...

I can give you the number of a free treatment place in NYC. How about that?

PTC said...

It's a research place, well known and good. The place I called but won't go to.

Zena said...

I cant leave my kids again I just cant..:( but I can do this and I will, I have followed my MP (mealplan) about 90% today not bad for the way the day started, I even went to a birthday dinner for my sister instead of isolating, which is just what I wanted to do...


you know me so well. You know the AN beast and its evil powers. I felt your stength comeing to me via the computer thankyou,I needed a little kick ass ED beating today..and you put it right to words..I can and will do this its just going to be a trying time...thankyou for your unrelenting support!!

sorry you were confused but belinda explained it all perfectly..thankyou so much for your well wishes it means so much to me to have others support...thankyou.

love, Z

belinda said...

i really understand the pull to isolation.. it's yet another ED pull though. it says "if you isolate, we can play .. together!"

far out! it is such an evil sneaky shit! you really need to keep all eyes and ears open to these little invites.

i am really glad that you didn't give in & went to the birthday dinner :) this is all part of showing ED that you are way stronger than it. your action normalises eating & social situations. this is so important when fighting the demon!

i know you can beat the crap outta the voice that bugs you. i can lend you my feisty rants whenever you need them ;)

i love you!
i wish we lived in the same damn country... however, we can still do this together. you rock!!


Zena said...

oh sweet B,
gosh i love you so much...

thankyou my fiesty litte friend.

love, Z