REcovery is hard, like you all didnt know that. Thsi is the point after I leave IP where I deciede its to hard and I want to give up. yep that seems about right 2 weeks after IP and Iam ready to throw in the towel...what a sucker I am...listening to that voice that actually uses my thoughts against me...
ME: This is to hard
ED: IT is I can help you
ME: BUT ED your way never worked before
ED: I have the power I will help you this time...I promise
ME: I cant I have to stay strong, please leave me alone
ED: I hear you want to quit, let me help you, follow me you will be strong and powerful once again
ME: I cant, I want to but I just cant PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
ED: I will always be here
ME: but I am putting my ear plugs in ...leave me alone
this is what I am hearing all fucking day, its never ending really and I know I cant go back and i am really trying but god its so hard. I havent eaten breakfast yet and I know I must its after 10 am.
My symptom usage is startingto grow i purged again last night thats two times this week...fuck, I know I need to plant off and push as K would say but for heavans sake it s hard.
I made the decision to keep seeing K while I am at program...I see her once a week and as long as insurance covers it I need the support, I feel like I am a fish floundering in the shallow water with out a clue how to make it back to deep waters...ugh
In other news yestersay was pajama day at the Z mans preschool...they got to watcha movie and eat popcorn and play in thier PJs all day...what fun, then he had a play date with Alex, while I was at program they played for 5 hours and I think it was really good for him to get some boy time, they played transformers all day and he didnt want to leave..that was great, no really I was glad he had such a good time, and it gave me a chance to talk to a non ED personat least for a little while...it was nice.
A and I spent the day with my richy sister and they went out to luch and out to a cafe for desert...she has an outi, however you spell that kind of car..let me tell you not a kid car...had to put the top down to get the car seats in, it was quite a site, in the dead of winter me with her top down and still struggeling to wrangle the seats in..oh boy that was fun. well the kids had a good time and thats whats important.
I miss S ( S is my T for all you new readers) I miss her terriably...we emailed back and fortth a little the other day and she said she was proud of all the progress I am making...but man I cant wait til I can see her again...
okay I guess I really need to eat something...
i hate Eds