Friday, January 23, 2009

Dad shit...continued

SO the trauma of my childhood is comeing back to haunt me, both my IP and OP providers want me to spend at least 6 months away from him. How do I do that?? He made a suprize visit with my sister while I was IP and I was really thrown for a loop I had a mini panic attack and the DRs up there put him on a do not contact list, that in itself was pretty scary.

okay so I am going to say I was traumatized by my father as a child he ruled with an iron fist, emotionally and physicaly. when I was 11 he stuck his toungue down my throat...and I cant seem to get over it. I dont know if anything else happened as I have blocks of memories missing. But what ever happened I have always been a 11 year old when it comes to my father. I have never been able to use my voice with him as he makes me feel like a child, and I am afraid of him.

He keeps talking about forgetting the past and forgiving and moving on ( he became a preacher a year ago) I dont know what to think or what to believe...why does he keep saying forget the past...why?? Part of me wants to know teh whole truth and part of me just wants to keep it hidden...why hurt myself even more, but all the therapists say that unless I deal with the PTSD I will never get better..well shit thats a hell of a prognosis. SO folks I am at a cross roads I want to get better but I dont want to confront my father...any advice??

In other news I am doing really well with my program and I am being honest with everyone as to where I was, which is really big for me as ED s thrive in secrecy...I have learned so much about myself and my diseases. I not only have an ED but BPD, and Bipolar type 2, plus the PTSD stuff, whew I am allot to

I found out that Ms new T wanted to see him 2xs a week but will settle for once right now so he goes back next tuesday I think it will be a really good thing for him, actually for us!

and last but not least I went to see TOBY KIETH biggest and baddest tour and might I just say it was AMAZING!!!! I love TOBY KIETH ...hes my boyfriend for those of you who didnt know...hahaha. Mike knows and hes okay with I am taking today off from PHP to have a stay and play date at the Z mans preschool and I am pretty excited...I have missed allot of time with the kiddies and Iam just glad to be home...okay off to change a diaper and clean the bathroom...then snack time!!!

Love, Z


Sarah said...

ha, i love Toby too! I'm so glad you got to see him. I'm sure he has been missing me a lot, did he say anything?

As for your dad and the PTSD this is big stuff, darlin. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to confront him but don't get ahead of yourself. I would think you would have an awful lot of trauma work to do before anything like that would happen, hence the recommendation to spend at least 6 months away from him. Which I think is a damn great idea.

If you put fear in front of your recovery, fear will win. Take it one step at a time. You're not alone.

love you.

Zena said...

Thanks for the insight, You are so right if I put fear in the forefront I will lose...wise words!

I just finished my am snack despite the nagging ED voice...blahhh

oh and umm Toby says Hi but he secrectly want to have a love affair with I am sure that is what kept him from speaking to much about you, although he did send his love your

LOve, Z

belinda said...

Such wise words Sarah!

It is true though. Zena, I know in my heart that you can face this. PTSD is scary but not dealing with it can be deadly, so lets just put one foot infront of the other and take it as it comes. We will be with you on this journey. I have great faith in you cupcake!

I gotta run but I will catch up with you soon.

Zena said...

I am really struggling this morning ...i should have had breakfast an hour and a half ago... i have it sitting in front of me and i know i need to eat it ...i think its the lack of structure thats getting to me...i have nothing to do today...and its really scary...i need to push through the fear it just so hard...any one there?... I will be eating my breakast now!!!

Love, Z

PTC said...

Ugh, those are such horrible memories, Z. I can see why you've blocked most of them out. But, you do have to deal with them or they will just continue to haunt you.

Glad you're digging so deep these days. I know it's hard but keep it up.

belinda said...

keep kicking goals honey