Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I might be going in the hospital

Today S said either 4 winds or Amc ( albany medical center) I was like niether...she said call DR. A and see if you can get in earlier...so I go in thursday for an EKG and labs, that will decied where I go ...I cantbelieve its come to this again...I am so sick of this ed. It makes me want to cry i really have to work these programs this time...Im so scared..who will take care of my kids what will they do who will get them to school???

I have so many questions...

I am so frightened and I purged everything I ate today and yesterday...I never made it through yesterdays dinner...I made it a half an hour last night.

S asked me why its so hard this time and I explained its casue I feel so worthless like I dont deserve to feel good...but what about your kids she said ...they deserve a mom...I started to cry cause they do .they deserve better then I can give them right now.

I amso dizzy.

ugh

I need to go lay down i will let veryone what happens with the H as soon as I knwo but if I thursday I dont post again youll know where I am...the big H
Im tired now I think I need to lie down.

Love, Z

20 comments:

Palmtreechick said...

Oh Z, I know that it sucks, but going into the H will be the best thing for you. You need to work at it though, and work hard. Don't waste the opportunity to get better. Please!! Once you get nutrients in you, your brain will start wanting to get better.

Palmtreechick said...

Good luck, if we don't hear from you!! Thinking about you!!

belinda said...

Zena, babycakes
i love you!
if you need the big H to help you move forward, you need it. simple as that (i know it sucks & is bloody hard but it is doable, it is. i promise). you know you can do this.

i understand you are scared and nervous ~ this is natural, perfectly natural so i hope that you can accept that and refrain from punishing yourself further.

i will be thinking of you and hope that you are safe and well. embrace this opportunity darling. you are worth it.

lots and lots and lots of love,
belinda.x

Zena said...

thanks guys your support means everything to me right now since M is being so unsuportive...he thinks I can just eat and stop purging and I want to I just cant seem to...he yelled at me at like one in the morning how I was ruining everyones life...I feel so bad...Im hurting so much.

It would be medical hospital to refeed and get me stable then to the PHP program. I ll know more tomorrow after my EKG and labs...Im just scared.

Love, Z

Sarah said...

my comment just got eaten but I want you to know that I love you and support you and I really believe this is what needs to happen. I'm praying for you sweetie. xoxoxo

belinda said...

good luck darling girl
i love you!
do what you need to do

xo

Zena said...

well Guys I am still home my EKG wasnt bad enough to be hospitalized..it wasnt good just not bad enough,,,ugh I am so fustrated, I feel like shit. I may be going into the ed hospital here but not medical...I m so tired of fighting this ED it s unbelievable...K my N asked me last night did I think going into the hospital would give me a break..and I thought about it and was like yeah from my ED, there they tell me what to eat and to not not purge and no pills and its out of my control at home I feel like I need to abide by all of Eds rules, its taken control over me again. Im just so tired I can barely move, and my house is a mess and I just want to cry and besides that I am having chest pains...guys I just need more help...pray for me

Love, Z

Palmtreechick said...

So, what about IP? I don't get it.

Zena said...

im trying to get on the unit but i dont know if they have any beds...probablly wont know til tomorrow...i feel so badly...i really just want to die...really folks i am at my wits end...the kids are fighting and i cant or havent kept anything down all day not that tried to eat thing but the egg came up anyway...fuck how did it get this bad this quick

Palmtreechick said...

I REALLY hope they have a bed for you. YOU NEED IT.

Zena said...

thanks...I know I need it..keep your fingers crossed

Palmtreechick said...

I am!

belinda said...

Zena,
I am really worried about you!
Your poor body, it has been through so much. I guess that is why things can fall so quickly :(

I hope you get the bed at the hospital.

You can do this honey. You can. Don't worry about the mess. It is ok.

I love you and have all fingers and toes crossed. Best of luck

x

Zena said...

I got a bed...Im leaving today..I think

DaftDragon said...

oh no, Z, I am so sorry to hear this! you will be in my thoughts and i am sending love and good karma and all that jazz. best of luck, and i kno you are strong and can beat this.

xKimX

Palmtreechick said...

Great!! We will miss you. PLEASE make the most of it. Work hard and get well. YOU DESERVE it!! Please!! I know it's going to be hard, but you can do it.

belinda said...

i am glad you got a bed.
best wishes honey
stay strong!

love you
x

kb said...

Zena,

You may not read this for a while, but I really hope that you find yourself healthier and stronger, mentally and physically. You deserve health and happiness, but being so depleted, it's impossible to get to that point.
Take care and focus on yourself.
- Kristina

firefly said...

Z: I hope that your time in the hospital is what you need to get you back in a better place. I miss you so much. Keep us updated while you can. I know you can do this it just sounds your depression is making it harder to eat.

firefly said...

Z:You must still be in the hospital. I hope things are going well. I miss texting you and talking with you. Hope to hear from you soon! You have such a good life ahead of you w/o ed. Do I have to sing the song to you?