Friday, January 2, 2009

Viable options

when you feel like umm your world could collapse at any second what do you do??

A) stay in bed all day ( did that yesterday, plus I didnt feel good)

B) sit down and have a good cry

c) take too many prescription meds

d) wish you were dead

e) clean

I will go with E cause why?? well cause I have kids and my house is a mess and cause I have kids and they need a mom and cause I have kids and it would put them in T if I killed myself...notice a theme here...those darn kids keep me here...

I am so anxious I could cry or scream I dont know which??

I ran out of creamer for my coffee and had to use milk fucker...extra unneeded calories...we are so broke casue christmas sucks and I keep hearing that song cow girls dont cry and I think why??? why do they teach us not to cry...what is so wrong with crying...I wish I could sleep forever...I am no longer sad...just fucking depressed and anxious...sad is better at least you can feel SOMETHING its just blahhhh...

yeah well happy new year folks its already a doozy here in the land of Zena.

Love Z


Zena said...

ohhh I forgot option F) take a shower as its something that hasnt been done in 48 hrs

grossy I know


zubeldia said...

There are so many other options, hon. So many. Many of them you know, and while they allude you in the midst of this deep depression, they're there inside of you.

I think that until you normalize your eating you're going to stay in this depression. We all know that starvation increases both depression and anxiety. For one thing, the much needed carbs required for serotonin production are in short supply.. and add that to the other failing bodily systems and you have a recipe for an on going depressive state. Of course, too, your meds simply won't work if you're not eating. It's not a controversial thing to say.

Do you want to improve your mood, babe?

Look, the kids could care less about the state of the house. They want YOU, Tara, they want a present mum who is not depressed or in the midst of an ed. It's a horrible thing to be confronted with all the time, but you're suffering, you really are, and it means that your kids are suffering in indescriable, unknowable ways. Hon, to be blunt, you need to worry about that more than calories in the soddin' milk. You know, honey, that this ed talk is fucking you up.

I have a challenge: everytime you feel the desire to write some pro-ana stuff (which just oozes through your writing lately) I want you to challenge it yourself. Write it down (because I know that you are feeling these things) but also see it for what it is. Just bullshit. You're what, 30? Babe, you have been through countless treatments and hospital stays and so you have the tools. You do. What you need to do is to harness them. What do you want for yourself. For your kids? I can't imagine that it's this. I just imagine what it must be like to be in a house with an alcoholic father and an anorexic mother who also abuses alcohol. That's their reality right now, my friend. It's a really sad one. I'm not casting blame here, I'm not saying you dont love your kids - not at all. But be really honest with yourself, Tara. Imagine what it is like for the kids to have this behavior modeled to them?

I'm thinking of you, chica. I still have hope for you, but you're going to have to do something pretty radical to turn this around. I will say that I don't think you can do this without a VERY LONG residential stay. I'm talking 6 months. I simply don't accept that you can't leave your kids. Everyday you leave them as you starve and drink. They will be motherless permanently if things don't change, baby.

Palmtreechick said...

I wish there was something I could say to you. All I have right now is, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GO BACK IP.

Zena said...

I am thinking of IP again....but M says he will leave and take the kids if I go again...a couple of days ago I felt some hope but today I feel nothing but this heaping sadness....I wish I stayed at remuda those 2 extra months they wanted me to...I wish I wish I wish so many things and I dont know how to make them happen...I feel desperate like going to the ER desperate...I did pick up the house and I did give the kids and myself baths so I feel A little better...M will be home soon so I wont be alone...And I have bought boost to have every night before I go to bed I did it last night and will do it again tonight...sigh...Zuby,

I hate to admitt that without that type of intense tx I would never get better...if my family would support it I would go, but they wont they think I am just trying to escape the drags of here I sit looking and praying that I will get the answer over a computer cause RT help just isnt there...I have only seen S 3 times in the last 3 weeks cause of teh holidays and I feel like I am falling apart...I went back and read some of my previous posts and except for the other day they have been very NON RECOVERY...for that I am sorry...I will write and challange just feels like my thoughts are being controlled by someone other then me...I dont want this for my be a drone in need of constant care...i WANT to be the one doing the careing, I need to be the one doing the caring.

Keep talking to me Z the real me hears you...gotta bat, I need to be hit over the head with it...I need something with force.


Palmtreechick said...

I hate to say this, but M is being a real ass if he is going to leave you for trying to better your (and everyone else's) lives!! I don't know why he won't support you. That is NOT cool. This is something you need to do in order to live, there really is no other option. I know you know the right thing to do, not even so much the "right" thing, but what you have to do.

Zena said...

hes just fustrated...and I am guessing scared...and a little bit of a dink...

DaftDragon said...

hey, behind on your blog. i clean when I am upset too. physical space create menatl space, unclutter your house and mind simultaneously. Showers do the same for me. Anyway, I hope you feel better.