Thursday, January 29, 2009

Plant off and PUSH!!

so those are the words dear K said to me yesterday. she means get your feet ready and push off the bottom cause the only way from here is up. Wise words. I feel like my feet are stuck, like someone, dont know who glued them to the floor and I cant push off.

fuckerdy fuck...this got really hard, like I knew it would, I am staving off the purging demon with every meal I take. Im fustrated cause my body image sucks!!! my IP T said I might be one of those people who NEVER get the body image piece...whoa...bummer for me, not the news I wanted to hear....SO folks here I am trying to push off the bottom with my supports just falling by the wayside. what do I mean you ask well its bad enough I cant see S while in PHP but they brought it up in team, as to why I still see K when I have a N up in program..they want me to NOT see her while I am in thier program...WTF, Im not allowed Xtra support.

yeah yeah I get why they dont want me to see her...conflicting MP s and all but she sticks to the same plan as them the same 2000 calories...the same no holds bar foods she is just UBBER suportive of me, calls me to give extra support when needed, allows me to call her for MT support or when I feel like I am going to purge, she just so delectably wonderful that I cried when I called her yesterday to tell her and to seek her oppinion. SHe said it should be my choice and that she no way wants to infringe on my tx in php but she also said she wouldnt take the decision out of my hands...she would leave it up to me and let me make up my own mind.

For fucks sake I NEED her support!!!

I am so bumming right here I am tring to plant off and push and damit someone glued my feet to the who would go and do a thing like that...oh I can tell you who is name is ED and hes a pisser I tell you, he pisses on me, pisses me off, gets my dame feet wet, after hes glued them to the floor and let me tell you that can put a girl in a real foul mood!!!

SO whats a pissed on , pissed off, wet footed, super glued to the floor girl supposed to do?? well I guess I need to take off my shoes.. (novel Idea) and jump... out the ED wagon...dry off and plant and push off.

now if I could just figure out how to get the knot out of my laces...

Love, Z


belinda said...

you could always just snip the laces (beats trying to undo the knot!) :p

seriously though..
i think if K helps you (which i know she does) and you want that support then you have to do what you think is right. you can explain this to the people in your PHP...or alternatively, maybe they don't need to know?

i too get why they don't want you to see her BUT i think she supports you more emotionally than just any old N, right?

i am not telling you what to do, K is right, it is your choice & in your heart you know the answer. just remember.. you can never keep everyone happy but if things sit right with you & your loved ones then that ssems ok to me.

oh, and by the way..
you are MORE than welcome to our heatwave. it is 1:44am & i cannot sleep, it is soooooooooooooo hot!


Zena said...

hey chickadee,
I am getting ready for PHP and I am freezing my balls off...yep I could snip the laces whta a great idea, knew there was a reason I loved you so much;) you brilliant!!!

on the K thing I thing ans as she kinda suggested we just wont tell...she is more then any old N, I mean geez, I know nutrition, I need some one to counteract my irrational thoughts and she does that in a special way no other N could, or at least has...well no wait my N at Remuda was amazing her name was amanda and if I could have taken her home I would have her and K run neck and neck...anyway decisions decisions... get some rest sweet pea...heres a blast of artic air for you.....

love, Z

brie said...

Hey Z,

New to your blog. Look forward to getting to know you. :)

Jena (Violet) said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog... your kind word of support was really nice to have. It meant something to me.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with supports on your side of things. And I don't know what I would think if someone tells me the body image thing can't ever change. For me, I need it to. Eventually, it has to, right?

Just know you have support here, at least here, with us.

Zena said...


welcome I hope you enjoy learning about me as much as I have about you.


yourwelcome...your words touched my heart I could literlly feel your pain...I hope my IP T was wrong as well I hope the body image distortion gets better cause I cant hold on forever...but I will keep trying...

Love, Z

PTC said...

I say KEEP HER!! I think she's good for you and who cares what the others want when it comes to you having extra support.

AnaBullshit said...

Fuck other people and what they think! If there's something you need, take it! I say stick with K, she sounds like she's helping a lot, and if she is, why leave??? :) enjoyed reading through your blog :)