Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tuesday night meltdown

fuck why is tuesday such a trigger??

I know why cause M sees is T on tuesday night and I think the dude is trying to sabatoge our relationship...he knows nothing about EDs so he doesnt get the body image/I dont want to have sex thing. I mean geez if I cant look at myself in the mirror how am going to let anyone else. ANd yes I am working on this in T and yes it is hard but I am working on it I swear!!

Anyway this dude tells him things like I am crazy and that I must not really love him and such, like my Ed is some kind of rouse...damit it pisses me off, but I want M to keep seeing someone I m just not sure this is the right guy for him, ya know?? M is also going to see about maybe getting someone for to the world...all the boys and girls...come on sing it with me now...

anyway back to my tuesday night freakout ( by the way I had one monday night too but I called K and she talked me through it) I was so triggered maybe by the appointment M had maybe cause I was manic all day, maybe cause I just need to be busy or ED creeps in, who knows but I was a little iffy on my MP throughout the day skipping part of a snack here and there, and my kids were all having there evening snack (GLAZED DONUTS) yes I know they are yummy but to me they are still a "bad" food yes I know DONT LABEL FOODS, but I still do but I digress, I tasted a bit of one and then another and before I knew I had hovered 1 and half of the delectable little devils, well as you can imagine I freaked, ran to the bathroom and purged.shit.

I was so pissed at myself after, like geez after all I have learned I know a donut or 2 wont make me fat, but still that black and white thinking got me and I was like the day is ruined might as well get rid of it. so there you have it folks my tuesday night meltdown, in short form...I journaled about it after and came to the conclusion that I expended way to much energy yesterday and didnt take in enough sugar so of course my body was craving sugar..I gave it to it but not the right kind.

Well ladies I am back on the wagon today...breakfast in a half hour...and PHP at 11,

oh and to top things off last night I had two puking kids I was waiting for the third to join in but he remained safe!! thankgod I coulnt handle 4 pukers in one day...the baby projected vomited all over me...thank god A made it to the bathroom, so that s it folks another fun day in the land of Zena.



and manic cleaning

yep fun stuff

Love, Z


belinda said...

I absolutely LOVE the way you are pulling yourself together honey :)
You slipped, then journalled, addressed your triggers & method of thinking and came up with, maybe a solution - and that is that nourishing your body IS THE SAFEST option ;)
am i right?

I'm sorry the T that M is seeing has no idea about ED. Grrrrrr! so many just don't get it. Hopefully, if M sees someone for meds they can perhaps discuss somebody more suitable? Does S or K know anyone?

how is php going?
i am so glad you are still on the wagon with me!! :)
you rock


DaftDragon said...

The M thing is tough- I would definitely love my J to have someone to talk things out with, but I doubt I could handle someone saying those things. I guess you just have to realize M loves you and will know to take those things with a grain of salt. It major sucks that this T doesn't get it. Seriously, fuck him.

BUT kudos to you! You have come so far in such a short while, I applaud you 1000 times over. Be that strong person that you are, life is there for you to live it baby!

Zena said...

thanks guys...I have been straight on recovery wagon today...even had me a piece of pizza for (today was challange day)lunch. I need to tell M as I dont want to be a liar Eds thrive in secrecy and I dont want my ED to thrive I want it to die!!!!...K said maybe Ms just hearing what he wants to hear, that maybe he wants to be validated, who knows...things are good on the home front and I want them to stay that way...

Love, Z

PTC said...

Hey z,

Sorry you had a rough day yesterday. It's okay that you had a little "misphap," just get back on that wagon. You can do it. Stay strong!