Monday, January 5, 2009

Todays goals

per Zubys suggestion I amgoing to write outmy pro anna thought sand then challange...

here goes nothing

I am fat and need to starve til wenesday....that will only get me in the hospital and that would mean more time away from my kids

laxitives make you feel light and free....they cause you pain and make you sick

I want to be thin...I am a healthy wieght for my body and I need to stay here

Thin is everything...NO my family is everything!!!!********

I want to die.... NO I have to much to live for...M,A,Z,I

okay those are the thought running through my brain as i sit here and type...

goals for today include to hydrate, not purge and drink 2 boosts

to clean my house and do laundry and the dishes

to spend time with my kids

read some of the book I got " the shack"

thats it folks wish me luck!!!
LOve, Z


DaftDragon said...

LOVE it. I think it is awesome that you are actively trying to counteract those negative thoughts. keep going girl!

Zena said...

okay I am going to try to counteract the feelings I am having right now!

m came home and made dinner...ofcourse I wouldnt eat what he made but he made me drink a boost with my baked potatoe and I feel sick...I needed it its good for me It will make me stronger!!!

Love, Z

zubeldia said...

well done, honey. KEEP going with this. EVERY TIME you have a pro-ana thought - or behaviour - come here and challenge it. I think something very concrete can help interrupt the loop going on in your mind.

How are you now, hon?

Zena said...

I wanna purge so hurts but I wont I will distract...til bedtime...cripes this is hard


zubeldia said...

I know you do, hon. But why cannot you not purge?

1) It will be an ed behavior
2) you'll be one step closer to hospital, if not death
3) your kids deserve to have a mum who is happy
4) you need to model a good healthy relationship with food to your kids, especially your daughter who is already engaging in ed behaviours...

Zena said...

okay reason # 5, M will take away my kids, he threatened to kick me out if I go back into the hospital...

shit I am so scared, I hate to feel this full

thanks Z your words really do make a difference...How are you feeling missy?? I have been thinking allot you and your little bean...

love, Z

belinda said...

good work honey!
i am glad you can address the challenge and even better - your rebutals against AN are really honest and true.

you are such a fighter zena and that is really inspiring!