Saturday, January 3, 2009

meltdown

I had a major meltdown last night..Im talking major. I emailed S and she called me and she talked to me for like a a half an hour I feel so bad her haveing to bother with me on her vacation but she sat and talked with me and had me drink a boost while I was talking to her, I got about half of it down and I felt a little better. she talked to Mike for a little while I dont know what they talked about...but it seemed to help him a little...I sobbed to S that he said if I go into the hospital again he will kick me out of the house and make me stay at my mothers. Today he is being all nice and I just dont know what to do I feel like a lost puppy. I emailed S this morning my agenda for the day I have accomplished most of it , I still need to clean the bathroom..oh joy!!

but back to the meltdown...He was talking about me leaving in front of A and finally after being bagered long enough I agreed to leave...but here I am still...A was a basket case...I slept in her bed with her last night as I was afriad to leave her like I may never see her again...I was so sad. Z man and the baby all fell asleep in A's room so there we were a meltdown mother a basket case daughter and two boys all crled up in one room...it was peaceful there with my babies...I wish I could find that peace durning the day So I wouldnt feel so alone.

I have plans to go out with a friend tonight...I dont want to go I want to isolate but I know that would be bad thats what keep me stuck in this visious cycle of restrict...B/P...restrict...and so on. SHe is the childrens pastor at our church and I have known her since I was 2...I told her I was struggleing so she said we could just talk...I need to talk this out, I hope she is understanding...what am I saying I know she will be, she is an awesome person whom I love dearly.

M took my pills last night my meds...well actually I gave them to him so I wouldnt do any thing stupid with them...he hid them in the broken dishwasher...funny huh?? I couldnt find them this morning and I laughed when he told me where he had put them...oh well S told me to be real and to stop being ridiculous..taht this ed is keeping me in a revolving door of choas and I am inclined to agree...I threw away my laxitives last night...at least its a step in the right direction.

and I am going to eat something soon...its almost 2 so I really need to...maybe a boost...

Love, Z

4 comments:

Palmtreechick said...

Z, When do you see S again? I'm glad that she called you and talked to you for so long. That's what she's there for!!

I hope you're doing okay today.

Zena said...

thanks PTC,
I see her on tuesday..thankgod...I saw 7 pounds tonight ( the movie) and I am not so sure I want to die anymore...

love, Z

Palmtreechick said...

We don't want you to die.

Zena said...

I am fucking loser folks..thats it