Monday, January 26, 2009

REcovery is yummy

I never thought that I would enjoy recovery at least a part of it..but you know what I just had some oatmeal with apple and it was delicious!!!I was a little scared as I have a fear of starches but it was good and it made me feel good that I over came that fear, the baby and I both had oatmeal only his was a bluberry mix.

The part of Recovery I hate is the ( couldnt be all positve cause then I just would nt be in and I have that this morning, I so wanted to restrict my breakfast so my wieght wouldnt be as high but you know what it doesnt matter I need to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that I might be one of those people who never get over the body image issue and I just need to do what is right despite the feelings of disgust.

I have followed my MP since my discharge with just one slip the day I was discharged,and I had to fill out a BCA for it I narrowed down the triggers and figurede out what caused the slip. S emailed me and we talked about doing this not just for my body but for my mind as well. That all parts of me deserve to be respected.

meaning not taking an of my dads manipulitve crap. I was suppossed to go to his work to pick up some stuff he bought for me while I was IP and he was told (by me...I know way to use my voice) that he wasnt allowed to visit. They said if I didnt do it they would and I thought the blow would be easier to take from me. Any way I "forgot" to stop by. Whether conciously or subconciously I didnt want to expose my self to his abuse. Its now a very passive aggressive way of manipulating me...he keeps talking about forgiving and forgetting the past but I am not ready to do that...I havent worked through the trauma yet, and I am not so sure as being a baby in Recovery that I am ready too.

So Recovery is yummy back to the reason I started to write this post, I am enjoying food. most of the time. Dont worry I still have my fears, like wenesday is pizza day at PHP. eeeekkkkk, but a group of us girls are going to do it together and that should make the whole thing allot more easy to deal with.

SO guys I have another question..How do you work throught teh food fears, I have this real thing with combination foods, like I could eat dough...sauce and cheese seperatly but together I am a wreck..I know I just need to get past the fear but geez its so hard.

Mike (M) is being so great, he hasnt had a drink in 2 weeks and I am so proud of him!!!. We are goign to start marriage counceling as soon as I am done doing PHP and he has his 2nd apt with Dr. F tomorrow, I hope it goes well...he thinking about maybe going on meds to help with his anxiety and rage, which I think will be a great thing. Guys I am struggeling but at the same time I am so happy. will this last?? I dont know but I am going to take it one step at a time, use all the support I can and make teh most of my time at PHP...Iam going to do it this time guys really I am. Oh and the best part is M said if I start to fall again he will get me to the hospital sooner instead of fighting to keep me home...thankgod his mind has...thankgod my mind has changed!!!

Love, Z


belinda said...

Zena my darling,
This is such an important post :)
I am so happy for you.

I really would like to say more but my brain is fried... literally! I got really sunburned yesterday. lol

Anyhoo, i just wanted to pop in and say thank you, i love you and i am really really happy to hear you moving forward in leaps & bounds!


PTC said...

Z, it makes me so happy to hear you being so positive and wanting to get better and knowing that this feels good, while it's still scary. I keep saying it, but keep of the good work. I'm proud of you.

Zena said...

okay guys I have followed my MP for one weekend with one slip since last tuesday, I was dischared this time exactly last tuesday...I can hardly believe its been a week already oy has time flown by...I am feeling slightly manic today I have spent all day (so far) cleaning with out even breaking to pee. Just to blog and even that I do quickly, I am feeling pretty good Im just waiting for the crash that inevitably follows...almost had a mishap last night but I called K and she talked me through it...she is so kind, i simply love my D. She called me at 11:30 this morning to see how the rest of my night went I told her GREAT, thanks to her support, I gave the kids a bath, did some laundry, did teh dishes and watched a movie with the kiddies...FREE off to clean a closet or two and my floors...exciting stuff, oh yeah I also neeeeeeed to pee pee.

Love, Z

Zena said...

uhhhhh, I ment one week and NOT A WEEKEND that wouldnt mean very much now would it...yep I am manic...flying...anybody there to chat...wait I need to peeeeee


belinda said...

hey hey there my mad cleaning friend!
(i miss my manic cleaning attacks by the way, SERIOUSLY!)

i hope you have taken time to sit down and nourish yourself love.


Zena said...

well I just got back from a quick trip to the grocery store and I now am having my pm snack, bluberry oatmeal...arg, this is getting redundant

love, Z

firefly said...

Hey Tara: I'm so proud of you!!!You are doing recovery this time. Way to go. I'm glad tha you are working on the tramua stuff. Good for you for standing up to your dad. I think it is smart for you to take a dad vacation.

As for the food. The more variety you add the less reduntant it will be. I know variety is hard but you can do it.
It sounds like things in your family is on a good track. You can have a healthy family. Love ya so much girl! Take care of you~