Tuesday, March 31, 2009

So your afraid of being healthy

Thats what S said to me last night in an email so i am guessing thats what we will talk about in session today.

I am afraid of being healthy and fucking FAT!!! okay we can all get the fat part no one wants to be fat well if you ahve an ED you dont, but what about the healthy part...hmmmm. When Doc A said your doing great!!! big hugs High 5s part of me wanted to crumble on the floor and just die, does this mean my ED is over. They dont think so but fuck I do I mean Iam eating again on my own and well isnt that some type of freedom. All I can think about since following this food plan is losing wieght and if I dont start to lose some wieght FAST I am going to FREAK out!! Im talking roll on the floor cry til Im purple FREAK OUT!

anyway why am I afraid of being healthy is it cause Iam afraid my Tx team will leave me, I mean I know I am far from out of the woods I mean my chance for relaspe is very high and its only been 9 days but Iam not happy about it like I was the first 7. WHat the fuck changed?? its liek a switch flipped in my brain and all I can think about is how this food is sticking to my ribs and making me fat...FAT FAT FAT!!!!

I hate it, M says you are perfect, you are at your goal wieght...well I dont want to be at my gaol my wieght I want to UNDER...under do you hear me...okay okay so I am off the subject...why am afraid to be healthy??? what does it mean?? I cant figure it out . hopefully we will discect this in T this morning cause I cant stand feeling so fat..healthy thoughts

I am coherant..:)

I am alive

I am FUCKING healthy

I am smart

I am ....artistic

I dont know this sucks, I am fat thats for sure

Love, Z

Monday, March 30, 2009

I am happy....

i am happy cause I dont need IP

I am happy cause my family is on the mend

I am happy cause my H is being 100% SUPPORTIVE!!!

I am happy cause my three kids are teh cutest EVER

I am happy cause life w/o Ed is far better then life with him.

I was thinking about all the feeling sorry for myslef I do and I realized that just now I have lots of things in my life to be happy with...

I see DOC. A today and I am hopeing she will tell me there is no permmanent damage done to my poor body and that I can continue on with this process in health and happiness. Well at least in health casue I am not always happy:)...but I am trying and folks I thinks thats what counts..right???

I am reading Life without Ed again and S and I are talking about disobeying and disagreeing...or maybe its the other way around... Like the thoughts are still there but I am not going to do what they say...

I swears I am not!!!

more to come on the DOC apt

love, Z

feeling better...

I will not allow this 48 hr bug to derail me from my Recovery!!! I woke up feeling better this morning and had my precribed breakfast!! Go me!!! I spoke with S and she was sure it dint count as purging as it was against my will. which made me feel SOOOOOOOO much better, like all my hard work hadnt been thrown out the window...boy I would have been pissed and my Ed would have been thrilled...I started to hear the ED voices screaming at me last night ..."you havent eaten in 24 hrs ...keep it going" ...but I didnt listen i just got up and got out of bed and made some soup...ate it and kept it down!! GO ME again!!!!

I am off to see K ina few min so we shall see whatshe has to say aboutthe 48 hr bug and its reminints on my wieght...remember folks I am not under wieght just VERY bulimic..of course wieght loss leads to AN thoughts and well thats not good either. Lets just hope this bug is done. My whole family got it includeing the baby...teh H man and all the other kids. M is still sick in bed worrying about me ...wishing he had a few more days to stay home with me.. We will be having lunch and dinner together everyday and snacks will be with S and K so the only meal I have to do on my own is breakfast ..and I have the kids to be there for me with that. And I dont wan to let my kids down...

I am really hopeing all this puking didnt bring down my potassium cause I really dont want to be on supplements again...blahhhh...can you alll believe how amazing I am doing..i cant??

I need to clean my house...

I need to strarilize everything...

i need to see K and I am seeing DR. A today

I need to getmy labs done

and I need to write a post unrelated to ED!!!

Sorry its been so boreing lately

Love, Z

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I got the flu

can you believe it after 6 days of followingmy MP and not purging all the sudden around 4 pm I started to feel quesy/ and that was that I puked everything from gatorade to chicken broth...it sucked major balls...my whole house was is sick...I am starting to feel a little better, havent puked in about 8 hours...man this better not count as purging or iam giong to be pissed...Like so pissed...I havent much energy to post justwanted to let you all know where i have been...and whats been goign on...shit this better not through off my labs...ugh...this suck the nut!!

Love, Z

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Doing it but shit...

ugh this is day 4!!! yep I said it day 4!!!!

its hard stuff this eating and not purging, what am I feeling...scared as hell. K said she is goignto increase my MP NEXT week...ekkkk, slightly freaking.

why is it so hard for me to want to take care of my body?? I just called my Doc and was like PLEASE call me back I need to know if my potassium is normal cause I do NOT want to keep taking my supplement...blahhhh

I speak with K everyday, and she keeps encouraging me to stay well, and practice self care...which i am trying to do, but...

The voices are screaming and I just want to cry and scream and roll around on the floor like ummm a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. yeah that sounds like a good a idea, a nice tantrum.

I dont know what else to write except this is hard as hell but I am doing it...blahhhh

love, Z

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

SO far SO good

well today is my second purge free day, following my MP 100%. I havent had a "streak" of purge free days in I cant remeber how long. M is being reall great and supportive. We went to see S this morning TOGETHER...and we are doing this..we are taking some of the maudsley approach and mixing in some of our own stuff. Like I am to be made more respobsible for making my own decisions. When I dont want to eat we are to talk it out but in essence i have 2 choices eat or hospital, I am choosing to eat. We are to look to our faith for guidence...we are to go see our pastor well our old pastor for guidence, I think that will really help.

We talked allot about what will be expected from me and what will be expected from M. How he is to start off making the meals but as time goes on I am to start to help and then slowly take over the job. He is to basiclly sit back and watch as I go about my routine as to help me adjust to doing this REcovery in my home enviroment. Once M goes back to work I am to have my morning snack with S and my breakfast with him befoere he leaves for work, Lunch will be with the kiddies and and dinner will either be with M or my mom... but for know I am not to be alone we are like glued at the hip...its actually kind of nice to feel this close to someone, I havent felt this way in a long time.

I see K 2xs this week yesterday ...and tomorrow. SHe made me up a new 1500 cal MP and said to start with that and in a week or 2 we will start to bump it up...I am already freaking about the bump up but I wont think about it now, I have NO need to get ahead of myslef. I am not going to tell you this is going to be all roses but I have a really positive feeling about this.

I am willing to be a willing not willful participant in my REcovery. I see my Pdoc tomorrow and will update her on the situation...of all the weeks events and how poorly I handeled myslef and how I feel now...optomistic... I wonder if some of my bad judgements were because I was slightly manic, I was making rash, impulsive decisions and not thinking clearly, of course it could have all been due to malnutrition as well so we shall see what she has to say.

S was great about evrything and I think she was really suprized about my sudden change of heart. I went from miss doom and gloom to miss...well miss I can!!!I appreciate ALL the support and suggestions everyone has given me, I think this time I am really going to make it...I know I have said this before but I have some faith back and that is a real kicker for me.

Much love to you all,

Saturday, March 21, 2009

finding meaning

I am trying to figure out where I belong, what would bring me joy and why I have the intense need to harm myself. why do I feel I deserve pain?? I was talking to S yesterday and I broke down, I was just so tired of everything and she asked what I wanted and I said to "disappear"...well she said "you will" meaning I would die if I dont get a grip on this ED. I knwo I have used the burning house analogy before so I wont bore you with it again but I keep comeing back to it and trying to find meaning in my ED.

WHat is the hold it has over me? Why do I hang onto it for dear life or death which ever the case may be. Its so strong, the pull I mean to just follow its lead and let it take me down.

Yes yes I know I have children, but I am still able to take care of them, if it werent for the potassium thing I would be okay. I know I am ignoring the fact that half the time I am emotionally checked out and thats no way to raise children. I want to want to get better but I cant find the where with all to do it. I am searching for some answer that I cant find here. S keeps saying how selfish this disease is and how I am hurting everyone around me but all I can see is MY pain until teh time comes when I have to leave cause of my ED...then I see it in all thier faces..the anguish, the tears, the pain...I need to see it NOW, not then. Lord open my eyes to the pain I am causing my loved ones, let me stop this before it goes to far...before I reach the point of no return.

2 posts in one day but the first one was just me feeling sorry for myslef this one I hope has some meaning...something to make me think, as much as I can..with how shit I feel...why did I just purge my lunch? what was in it for me? these are the things I need to know, I cant get out of the house...I am dying from smoke inhallation, but now I cant see to get out.



I am scared

I dont feel good

I took my potasium and I think its making me sick I feel like I am going to throw up...not on purpose...

I am suppossed to eat with it but I cant or wont or whatever


I feel lousy

S emailed me and said I should most definately be admitted on monday or tuesday...depending on labs...god I feel crappy

anyone there to chat

love, Z

Friday, March 20, 2009

Zacks painted face

This is Zack painted by Alyssa..lol...

painted Z man

Alyssa decieded to piant Zack instead of paper...its hysterical!!!

medical admission???

They are talking about medically admitting me on monday or tuesday. I cant, cant stable my potassium...S thinks I am being conpletly irrational, that I am not thinking straight...that I need 5-6 days of good solid nutrition. blahhhhh...it all sucks, she called me selfish today and that hurt like hell. She also said I am conpletely blocked, that I am doing everything in my power to keep my ED...well I am scared shitless to let go of my ED...scared shitless I tell you.

1)I am having a sleepover tonight with A and 2 other little girls...one of the moms is staying for a couple of hours, shes a friend of mine and we are going to talk about my depression and my ED...that should fun, no really it should be enlighting.

2)The kids are playing outside in the sunshine and I would be out there too if the baby werent inside sleeping inside..maybe I will sit on the front porch on paint.

3)I am starting to get back into painting which is good, its a distraction, which is good.

4)K called S and told her I was going to die...and S agrees...le sigh..

5)Im sad cause I dont want to leave my kids again, its going to break thier poor little hearts but it would break thier hearts even more if I were dead, I just have to keep reminding myself of that...

6)My mom is really sick and I feel bad for her cause I am putting more stress on her with all my crap.

7)M is telling me right now I need to start useing my voice with everyone...to stop hurting myself and to tell people off.

8)I feel to large to be medically admitted but I guess when you are bulimic it doesnt matter...if I dont seek help I will die...and that will suck...

okay enough of a whine

love, Z

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

these are my kids

where to begin

The ER is never fun...point blank it sucks when they tell you, you are going to die if you dont seek tx. they gave me the speech you know this is killing you, go home eat some ice cream and dont puke. well thanks, if it were only so easy. I started to cry and they were like are you going to be okay, well sure I am going to be okay I always am. I have this huge and growing bruise on my hand cause they couldnt find a vain in my arm, and the nurse chicky busted my vain ( it blew she said) well ouch can we say pain...at least it will take your mind off the chest pain...its called diversion she said..hahaha. SO there I sat watching teh biggest loser with IVs in me and things flowing into me and crying and watching the monitors...M picked me up and I broke down in sobs...I cant do this I cryed...he was good, he held me and said yes you can we can do this together. FUCK girls I dont know if I can do this, I am scared, I cant. the desire to purge has dissapiated and while in walmart this morning picking up my ohhh so lovely horse pills ( potassium) I resisted the urge to buy laxitives...so go me on that one!! But ohhh after a day of NO food the urge to restrict is so very high.

I just want to be thin thinner then I am . I feel so fat and large and gross I just cant stand it... I feel like they didnt take me seriously cause Im not thin enough. I know in my head EDs have nothing to do with wieght but geez I dont think the docs know that. I just ate my oatmeal and ED is screaming at me what a fat loser I am, I just want to cry and curl up under the covers and never leave. you know what I mean.

I see K today. SHe is so worried for me, I hate to worry her, I hate being such a burden on others, my poor mother is sick and all she can do is worry about me ..it sucks the nut cracker. I am such a loser.

I wonder why ED is coming on with such full force? what was the catalyst? is it the rapid cycling, is it the racing thoughts, the crazy impulsivity, or is it my dad? I wonder what is making me relaspe so badly...I need to figure it out, although S says the house is on fire I just need to get out and then once the fire is put out then go back and look and see what started it...but I cant seem to do it..its like I am stuck in this cycle and I want to know WHY!!! SO mean while my health is going in the shitter and I am in the burning house.

I did take a step this morning, I mean I ate the fucking oatmeal...I feel SOOOOOOO guilty. But I will not purge, I promise!! S would be proud for that...Im so cold. I need to take my potassium and I cant will myself to do, I am supposed to take it 2xs a day but maybe if I take it with K tonight it will get me started... I dont know.

Well M is being really supportive, he swears he is done drinking, he blames himself for my craziness..I dont know I am sure when he gets drunk and abusive and calls me name s it has something to do with it but I dont know I shouldnt let him have that much power over me I mean after all...he drunk when he says it...how much can it mean? He says he needs to woe me back.

Ever see the movie fire proof...its about a man and a women on the verge of divorce and the man does this 40 day program to win back the love of his wife...he says that s what he is going to do for me...win me back. Get to know me, who I am and what makes me tick, I dont know how he going to do it if "I" dont even know who i am..blahhh.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Alyssa's Sicky

ugh I have been up all night with a puking kid...with her little head hung over a toilet..man alive it sucked, she had a really high fever and wouldnt take her tylanol...blaahhhh, thank god she is feeling a little better today at least no puke is flowing from her body. I know.... so grossy. anyway hopefully the rest of the clan wont catch it cause Z man has a play date tomorrow and that would suck major balls if he gets sick and misses it. and of course there is the little man to worry about cause he really is so small, (check out my new pic),he s a major peanut.

I know you are all saying well hopefully you wont get it too cause the last thing I need is to be puking not of my own volition. Geez that would suck balls. my potassium would really be in the toilet then. Got my labs done again yesterday so now I am just awaiting the results, hope tehy come in soon as I feel like major crapola. My tummy hurts and so does my chest. Chest pain sucks the nuts. I think I need another EKG and I dont actually see the good doc for 2 more weeks, hope I dont die before then..lol.. although I really know its not funny but I am in complete DENIAL!!! and we are not talking about the river here...that would be the NILE.

so M was a complete dink last night. He got drunk...of course. and of course he FREAKED the FUCK out! He thought I threw away his pills, I didnt of course, and he freaked... saying I wasa whore bitch liar. that was fun...of course cause I lie so much about my ED he says I am a complete liar about everything but the truth is I really just lie to protect my ED, cause you know its my only "real" friend. Ugh. I am one fucked up individual.

And then there is ofcourse the bipolar playing a role in my nuttiness. I am all over the place...one day I am up and feel like super woman and the next I am so down I cant get of the couch...WTF. I keep having thoughts of death, partly cause I think this Ed is going to kill me and partly cause life sucks so bad I just want out you know. Its like everything is soooooo hard, I cant stand my body I cantstand what I do to my body, and I cant stand how I make myself feel, I mean really I torture myself...even this morning after taking 15 pills yesterday i took a bunch more this morning, you think I would learn, but alas I am a dumbass. I need to take potassium and zinc supplements and have yet to do it...what the fuck is wrong with me??

Just take the pills ( Tara) thats me...thought you might all like to know my REAL name...wowser I am really raving mad today. I cant believe I just told you all my real name...getting manic here so i thinks I might need to go!!

love, Z or Tara or crazy nut girl!!

Alyssa ,s sicky

Alyssa ,s sicky

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A new day

that's what today is going to be.

I will not engage in self destructive behaviors...I am quietly sipping on my coffee and thinking its beautiful outside I should get out there and run then I remember am not allowed to, and I get pissed and i think wow... ED has robbed me of everything, my life joys, my health, my ability to be rational...its all been stolen or should I say given away to the Ed!

well today folks is going to be different, I swear, no pills no purging, 2 boosts, a vitamin water full of potassium, yep no heart attack for me, I am going to kick some Ed butt today.

Yesterday was A's birthday party at jeepers and my oh my is she a popular little girl, but I just want to tell you about this little boy....his name is B and hes the cutest little thing with big ole ears and he is in LOVE with my baby...its sooooo cute. they play and chase each other all over the place it was adorable, she had a great time and made out like a bandit...tons of Hanna Montana stuff we started to redo her bedroom last night, even as I type she wants me to open more hanna montana stuff. I swear she got so much stuff, we are going to have to get rid some of her old stuff. Maybe we will donate it or most likely throw it away.

I wrote my letter of commitment to S last night and spoke to K last night, she asked me to send it to her too so I did. I really hope it gets me going on the straight and narrow cause these holes I keep falling into are getting deeper and more hard to dig out of.You know I need a ladder anyone got one...

Love, Z

Friday, March 13, 2009

one foot in the grave

thats what S said to me to day...I have one foot in the grave. My poassium is low, I have to take supplements...I cry all the time...I sleep all the time...i cant think straight...I puke all the time...everything just sucks


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

6 years ago today

I woke up to a wet feeling between my legs, I was more then ready to go, I had spent the last nine months in a whirlwind of emotions. Going from very anorexic to healthy and carrying a full term and what seemed to be enormous baby, as it turned out it was me that was enormous but thats besides the point;)

So we hop in the car and drive to the hospital to find out indeed my water had broken and it finally dawned on me that we were going to have a baby...like where had I been the last 9 months. you know tehy say its 9 months but really I think its 10 or shit a million, anyway I was about to explode from all angles and we get to the hospital and you know what ...nothing...nothing happened, so there I sat for 9 hours waiting for this life to come into the world and then I started to get scared, what if she never came out...crap what a thought, only to realize that a couple of hours and several drips of petocin later I would be screaming for her to stay in forever.

now to understand what it was like and what I am like know that I have panic attacks on a regular basis at least I used to and I dont like forgein things in my bod, you know like meds and drugs and epidurals...so there I sat with the death drip in my arm and contractions every 2 minutes and insurmountable pain for 8 hours...I did everything, I sat buck naked in all my glory in a hot shower, I rocked in a rocking chair but mostly I just screamed ...allot. Now one would think with all that pain I would be like you know closer to having a kid...I was sure it was going to happen at any moment...but you know what after all that time with no food, horrible contractions and the death drip in my arm...I was no closer to having a baby then when we started....so

I finally with much hesitation agreed to the epidural...ahhhhh the life altering wonder drug. what was I thinking...going natural, what a crock..who would want that when one could have a pain free labor, shit I actually fell asleep, yes the epidural was the way to go.

But I must have a small crotch or something cause when it came time to actually getting the kid out of me well that was a trip. I pushed her little body out of mine for 2 and a half hours...and let me tell you I was exhausted...I thought she would never come out. and then she finally did and...she looked like a cone head, I cried cause she was so...cone headed I thought thats it I have deformed my child, forgetting that babies heads are soft and it fixes itself...(her head is nice and round now)...so yes I cried when she was born but not cause I was happy but cause I thought that the little person I created was ugly. turns out I was way wrong, shes a beauty, with long curly blond hair, blue eyes and a perfect smile, but how was I supposed to know at the time.

anyway we put a hat on her and I was good and I remember holding that precious little baby in my arms and so cradling her and talking to her and saying what a miracle...yes that little girl was my miracle child, born to a women who earlier in the year they said I was going to die from her Ed...and here I was with this little life in my hands. I thank god every day for that little girl, all the pain, heart ache and tears are worth the joy that this child brings me, so on this day 6 years ago my first was born, 6 years ago today I became a mom, my life changed and I owe it all to one little miracle little girl.

Happy Birthday Alyssa

and thank you

love, Z

Monday, March 9, 2009

I dont know

I just feel like I should blog as its been a pretty busy weekend but I couldnt think of a title...sooooo...

lets start with Friday, A had a sleepover with her Friend from school, the little girl was so well behaved...made me kinda jealous and wonder what i am doing wrong as a parent but who knows maybe A is like that for other people, well I think she is, gosh I hope she is...so we took the kids to McDonald's for lunch and I ate a salad with chicken...bonus for me, no purging...yeah!!! we came back home and the three oldest played together for 4 hours with very little fighting which was cool, then around 5:30 we took them to chuck e cheeses and they had a blast they loaded up on pizza and sugar drinks and wore themselves out...got home and the little girl called her mom and said how much fun she was having and how great I was ...bonus 2 ( the girls mom also happens to be Zs preschool teacher so that was cool) yep folks I am officially a cool mom!!, so then the kiddos all watched a movie and slept on mattresses on the floor and tehy fell asleep around 9:30...it was a cool behavior free day!!!

Saturday we got up and I made the kids breakfast ( pancakes) of course after having a behavior free day friday Ed was pissed so no breakfast for me...anyway As friend was picked up at 11 so I then took my 3 to the park for 2 hours...I was exhausted, but M called a 4 and was like NO EXCUSES...we are going out...I figured I had better eat something so I had some eggs and a piece of cheese freaked out and purged, so we go out around 7:15...we went bowling and I got a little drunk, M got a lot drunk and by teh end of the night was an ASS!, but I ate at the bowling ally and felt incredibly guilty for it...but oh well...only purged once, so that was good...

yesterday..hmmmmm the time change threw me for a loop. I missed church. and because M was an ass on sat night he felt bad for me and let me sleep in well he didnt wake me til 3 pm...great so I slept the day away...got up and took the kids to the park again, I had a salad for dinner so I restricted big time....well I guess my body was hungry cause I woke up at 1 am and ate half a container of frosting and purged...it sucked...I woke up this morning and took a bunch of laxatives (8) ugh I feel so sick, and I was the helping mom at Zs school today, so I had to run to the bathroom 2xs...gosh it sucked but I had a blast in his class, the kids are all so cute...and now I am sitting her waiting to be sick again..blahhhh..so that was weekend...so good some bad...but mostly even...

wish I had something more exciting to write but this it for now...will let you know if something better comes along, oh yeah I need to make a crap load of cupcakes casue tomorrow is As birthday, not her party but her real birthday...

love, Z

Friday, March 6, 2009

Dad apt. and update

hey there folks well ...I did it I confronted my father on a lot of shit and I put it out there that he has boundary issues and that he touches me in ways that are inappropriate and you know what no one died...I feel okay...not great but okay. S said I did a great job, she put her hand on my shoulder in a very comforting way and said I am so proud of you...it felt good and motherly and supportive, the session I think could not have gone better, hes even going to come back in 6-8 weeks..get ready for the freak out again:)

S gave me this little art kit for my recovery tool box, it has pastels and paper and pencils and its pretty cool, all in its own little case..she rocks!!!

He still lied about allot of stuff and I knew I wasnt going to get all the answers I wanted but I think I was heard and thats what is/was important. WE talked about how he treated me different then my sisters how at age 8 I was made the go between for him and my mother. we talked about my need to make everything perfect and to put it in a neat little box and spare it from any pain...its what i tryed to do as a child and what I still try to do now with my ED.


its a very strong word

I try to contain all my feelings in my Eating disordered little box, like they are mine and no one else can see or know about them...but today I let some of them out and it feels okay...raw but okay, I am dealing and i will not engage in symptoms today, i will not.

I had my labs drawn today ...heres hoping all is well cause I have a little girl spending the night with A and it would be terrible if they wanted me to go to the hospital..we wont even think that way...NO NO NO.

you know I said I feel okay but as I write this I am feeling increasingly raw and not nurtured, like a scared, lost little child trying to make my way out of a deep dark forest, possibly its because I just had lunch my first meal kept down in a while and I am refusing to give into urges...but I feel raw.

S made me feel safe i want to go back there and feel that safety of her hand on my shoulder, but I cant but ohhh how I want to. To feel that kind of safety is few and far between...how can I get more of that in my life without S, how can I feel that safety outside of her office...that is the question of the hour??

okay well I got 4 kiddos running around I should probably tend to them...

Love, Z

Thursday, March 5, 2009

tomorrow is the day

can I say a big whopping flying fuck a doodle!!

tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!

Iam a freaking out...

I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in me...lol...

I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt do...one being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...

M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing again...no sir ree bob!!!

I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??

well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.

oh well


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Recovery tool box

I am building one out of a shoe box..I am collaging all over it but need some ideas as to what to put in it. Distractions...positive affrimations..what?? any ideas??

love, Z