My Father in law is sick, normally I would say take some asprin and call me in the morning but this is no joke he is really sick. He has cardio myopathy i have no I dea how to spell it but it basically means his heart muscle is deteroriating...at a pretty rapid pace...if the meds work he could live anywhere from 2 to 20 years 20 years GREAT!!! 2 not so good, I am very sad for M and even my MIL, whom I dont usually feel sorry for but right now she is scared, so she deserves some compassion.and prayers.
So being the selfish person that I am it brings to light my own mortality. We dont live forever and I had better get my act together or i could be next...I have three beautiful children who need thier mom and I dont want to die ( since they fixed my meds...) I want to live. Free... from this demon that forever haunts me.
A friend of mine lost a friend to her ED. SHe was found dead over her toilet. A shit ass way to die if you ak me, that could have been me many a times over. Her dad found her. It could have easily been my children that found me.
I take all this mortality very seriously. I need to live for my family, they need me and I cant go before my time due to me engageing with my ED. I have no choice to recover and be strong because if some thing were to happen to my FIL I need to be strong and nourished to help my family through what would be a devastating loss. He is the patriarch of the family. Strong willed and tough...someone you dont expect to get sick...he s to tough for that or so we thought...keep him in your prayers guys...keep us all in your prayers.
Oh and I dont know if there was a mix up or something but I dont leave for camp til this thursday...I will definately update when i get back cause I CANT WAIT til we get out of here...yeah for nature...I will soak it up and breath it in because that my friends is real. Back to nature sounds real good and so does the not having a mirror to body check in. I am hopeing this will be a ED free vacation. i am leaving ED at home!!!!
oh and one more thing my step son graduated from high school...way to make me feel old....
Love Z
Showing posts with label ED. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ED. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Run..Run..Run away little girl
running has always been an escape for me. I have been running since I was a tween, ands its always made me feel well HAPPY!!..as happy as diet coke does, and well thats pretty happy..its always made me feel high and endorphinized ( is that a word). I try to find that kinda happiness in other ways, but alas it has always alluded me... I just came back from a nice run and felt good for all of about 5 min. then t he "high" left and i was left alone with my thoughts again..and so what, so what is wrong with my thoughts...well they suck thats whats wrong with them. they hurt me and scare me and make me want to cry...I am feeling more vulnerable right now casue i just ate a frozen dinner and now i want to cry even more.
anyway S has asked what the heck am i running away from so that s what I am here to figure out...I think it boils down to running from my thoughts I mean what else could it be....without the running I feel deflated, let down and sad. And of course cause i have OCD what i run is never enough...I remember when I used to run 12-13miles a day and how that was still never enough ...It only numbed me as long as I was running...as long as i felt the pain in my legs...I couldnt feel the pain in my heart...So what is the pain in my heart that i am running from...abandonment maybe. Maybe this shit all stems from dad shit, from being left alone when i was 8 to feel the emptiness of a single parent household. left with a mother who was so unstable herself she couldnt even take care of her own kids...she had to rely on her mother to do it...and I I became angry another feeling that i hate.
I do my best not to feel anger...another feeling i run from, I almost never get mad unless its at my kids and s its usually cause they are being so bold I dont know what to do ...its more of an exhaustion I feel with them...of not know ing what to do...so i run from it, i run from pain, anger, confrontation...anything that might make me even slightly uncomfortable..i run from it...and with only being allowed to run 3-4 miles a day i have taken up other forms of running from my pain...my feelings...i drink.
I Drink away my pain...so I run even more...i need to learn to confront, to sit with and to deal with my pain, and feelings and anything thing else that might make me feel uncomfortable.
I think once I can learn to deal with my feeling I could be cured of my eating disorder cause yes its still about wieght..body distortion and food, its about so much more, its just an escape. An escape into my own reality...where the pain of the world cant hurt me, where i wont let it hurt me...I wrap myself up into this little cocoon and run away from everything...only all this running is killing me..literaly and figurtivly.
Its killing my family
Its killing my soul
Its killing my heart
I need to learn to feel or at least allow myself to feel..I need to to stop running at some point...I need to learn to sit with it...I just need to...right???
Love, Z
anyway S has asked what the heck am i running away from so that s what I am here to figure out...I think it boils down to running from my thoughts I mean what else could it be....without the running I feel deflated, let down and sad. And of course cause i have OCD what i run is never enough...I remember when I used to run 12-13miles a day and how that was still never enough ...It only numbed me as long as I was running...as long as i felt the pain in my legs...I couldnt feel the pain in my heart...So what is the pain in my heart that i am running from...abandonment maybe. Maybe this shit all stems from dad shit, from being left alone when i was 8 to feel the emptiness of a single parent household. left with a mother who was so unstable herself she couldnt even take care of her own kids...she had to rely on her mother to do it...and I I became angry another feeling that i hate.
I do my best not to feel anger...another feeling i run from, I almost never get mad unless its at my kids and s its usually cause they are being so bold I dont know what to do ...its more of an exhaustion I feel with them...of not know ing what to do...so i run from it, i run from pain, anger, confrontation...anything that might make me even slightly uncomfortable..i run from it...and with only being allowed to run 3-4 miles a day i have taken up other forms of running from my pain...my feelings...i drink.
I Drink away my pain...so I run even more...i need to learn to confront, to sit with and to deal with my pain, and feelings and anything thing else that might make me feel uncomfortable.
I think once I can learn to deal with my feeling I could be cured of my eating disorder cause yes its still about wieght..body distortion and food, its about so much more, its just an escape. An escape into my own reality...where the pain of the world cant hurt me, where i wont let it hurt me...I wrap myself up into this little cocoon and run away from everything...only all this running is killing me..literaly and figurtivly.
Its killing my family
Its killing my soul
Its killing my heart
I need to learn to feel or at least allow myself to feel..I need to to stop running at some point...I need to learn to sit with it...I just need to...right???
Love, Z
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A good sesh
as to qoute PTC..."I had a good sesh with S tonight" M and I went together and whew let me tell you it was good , intense but good. He showed allot of concern over the exercise and S kept saying we need Zena to take ownership of her illness, if she cant follow the guidelines then her privalges will be yanked...which means i some how must consume another 500 calories plus the dinner I JUST had..ugh...FUCK me!! SO that also means iam takinga rest day tomorrow...yep that means no running folks..blaahhhh again...
I saw the good DOC A today and she rambeled on about my body eating itself and i listened intently and nodded at the right places and then she said well your down from last time so i want to see you in 6 weeks with a 3 week check in with DR.S..oh joy.
So anyway we talked allot about exercise tonight...fun stuff...M compared it to like say shes not eating right, so we let her run...thats like saying hey M you cant drink but you can smoke pot even though they both make you nuts...S laughed and said yes M but she need s to own this we cant tell her what to so...so you know what folks I will prove them all wrong..i will follow my MP and I will run 5 days a week and I will not purge and I will win this war!!! hell yeah sista speak it!!!
Its still so hot here i cant stand it, its suppossed to cool down but hell this summer weather well rocks and sucks at the same time..you know I love the heat but shorts suck...
so anyway today was a good day except i got lost dropping the kids off to the moms work..drove around for like an hour...got lost trying to make my way from moms said work to Doc As and lost on my way back in total spent 3.5 hours in the car and missed lunch hence the massive snack i have to have tonight...ugh..well folks thats about it..I will prove them all wrong...i will persevere and i will win this war!!!!
Have faith in me folks i can do this. hope everyones day rocked out like mine did..off to h ave my super snack!!
Love, Z
I saw the good DOC A today and she rambeled on about my body eating itself and i listened intently and nodded at the right places and then she said well your down from last time so i want to see you in 6 weeks with a 3 week check in with DR.S..oh joy.
So anyway we talked allot about exercise tonight...fun stuff...M compared it to like say shes not eating right, so we let her run...thats like saying hey M you cant drink but you can smoke pot even though they both make you nuts...S laughed and said yes M but she need s to own this we cant tell her what to so...so you know what folks I will prove them all wrong..i will follow my MP and I will run 5 days a week and I will not purge and I will win this war!!! hell yeah sista speak it!!!
Its still so hot here i cant stand it, its suppossed to cool down but hell this summer weather well rocks and sucks at the same time..you know I love the heat but shorts suck...
so anyway today was a good day except i got lost dropping the kids off to the moms work..drove around for like an hour...got lost trying to make my way from moms said work to Doc As and lost on my way back in total spent 3.5 hours in the car and missed lunch hence the massive snack i have to have tonight...ugh..well folks thats about it..I will prove them all wrong...i will persevere and i will win this war!!!!
Have faith in me folks i can do this. hope everyones day rocked out like mine did..off to h ave my super snack!!
Love, Z
Saturday, March 21, 2009
finding meaning
I am trying to figure out where I belong, what would bring me joy and why I have the intense need to harm myself. why do I feel I deserve pain?? I was talking to S yesterday and I broke down, I was just so tired of everything and she asked what I wanted and I said to "disappear"...well she said "you will" meaning I would die if I dont get a grip on this ED. I knwo I have used the burning house analogy before so I wont bore you with it again but I keep comeing back to it and trying to find meaning in my ED.
WHat is the hold it has over me? Why do I hang onto it for dear life or death which ever the case may be. Its so strong, the pull I mean to just follow its lead and let it take me down.
Yes yes I know I have children, but I am still able to take care of them, if it werent for the potassium thing I would be okay. I know I am ignoring the fact that half the time I am emotionally checked out and thats no way to raise children. I want to want to get better but I cant find the where with all to do it. I am searching for some answer that I cant find here. S keeps saying how selfish this disease is and how I am hurting everyone around me but all I can see is MY pain until teh time comes when I have to leave cause of my ED...then I see it in all thier faces..the anguish, the tears, the pain...I need to see it NOW, not then. Lord open my eyes to the pain I am causing my loved ones, let me stop this before it goes to far...before I reach the point of no return.
2 posts in one day but the first one was just me feeling sorry for myslef this one I hope has some meaning...something to make me think, as much as I can..with how shit I feel...why did I just purge my lunch? what was in it for me? these are the things I need to know, I cant get out of the house...I am dying from smoke inhallation, but now I cant see to get out.
Z
WHat is the hold it has over me? Why do I hang onto it for dear life or death which ever the case may be. Its so strong, the pull I mean to just follow its lead and let it take me down.
Yes yes I know I have children, but I am still able to take care of them, if it werent for the potassium thing I would be okay. I know I am ignoring the fact that half the time I am emotionally checked out and thats no way to raise children. I want to want to get better but I cant find the where with all to do it. I am searching for some answer that I cant find here. S keeps saying how selfish this disease is and how I am hurting everyone around me but all I can see is MY pain until teh time comes when I have to leave cause of my ED...then I see it in all thier faces..the anguish, the tears, the pain...I need to see it NOW, not then. Lord open my eyes to the pain I am causing my loved ones, let me stop this before it goes to far...before I reach the point of no return.
2 posts in one day but the first one was just me feeling sorry for myslef this one I hope has some meaning...something to make me think, as much as I can..with how shit I feel...why did I just purge my lunch? what was in it for me? these are the things I need to know, I cant get out of the house...I am dying from smoke inhallation, but now I cant see to get out.
Z
ummmm
I am scared
I dont feel good
I took my potasium and I think its making me sick I feel like I am going to throw up...not on purpose...
I am suppossed to eat with it but I cant or wont or whatever
Fuck
I feel lousy
S emailed me and said I should most definately be admitted on monday or tuesday...depending on labs...god I feel crappy
anyone there to chat
love, Z
I dont feel good
I took my potasium and I think its making me sick I feel like I am going to throw up...not on purpose...
I am suppossed to eat with it but I cant or wont or whatever
Fuck
I feel lousy
S emailed me and said I should most definately be admitted on monday or tuesday...depending on labs...god I feel crappy
anyone there to chat
love, Z
Friday, March 20, 2009
medical admission???
They are talking about medically admitting me on monday or tuesday. I cant, cant stable my potassium...S thinks I am being conpletly irrational, that I am not thinking straight...that I need 5-6 days of good solid nutrition. blahhhhh...it all sucks, she called me selfish today and that hurt like hell. She also said I am conpletely blocked, that I am doing everything in my power to keep my ED...well I am scared shitless to let go of my ED...scared shitless I tell you.
1)I am having a sleepover tonight with A and 2 other little girls...one of the moms is staying for a couple of hours, shes a friend of mine and we are going to talk about my depression and my ED...that should fun, no really it should be enlighting.
2)The kids are playing outside in the sunshine and I would be out there too if the baby werent inside sleeping inside..maybe I will sit on the front porch on paint.
3)I am starting to get back into painting which is good, its a distraction, which is good.
4)K called S and told her I was going to die...and S agrees...le sigh..
5)Im sad cause I dont want to leave my kids again, its going to break thier poor little hearts but it would break thier hearts even more if I were dead, I just have to keep reminding myself of that...
6)My mom is really sick and I feel bad for her cause I am putting more stress on her with all my crap.
7)M is telling me right now I need to start useing my voice with everyone...to stop hurting myself and to tell people off.
8)I feel to large to be medically admitted but I guess when you are bulimic it doesnt matter...if I dont seek help I will die...and that will suck...
okay enough of a whine
love, Z
1)I am having a sleepover tonight with A and 2 other little girls...one of the moms is staying for a couple of hours, shes a friend of mine and we are going to talk about my depression and my ED...that should fun, no really it should be enlighting.
2)The kids are playing outside in the sunshine and I would be out there too if the baby werent inside sleeping inside..maybe I will sit on the front porch on paint.
3)I am starting to get back into painting which is good, its a distraction, which is good.
4)K called S and told her I was going to die...and S agrees...le sigh..
5)Im sad cause I dont want to leave my kids again, its going to break thier poor little hearts but it would break thier hearts even more if I were dead, I just have to keep reminding myself of that...
6)My mom is really sick and I feel bad for her cause I am putting more stress on her with all my crap.
7)M is telling me right now I need to start useing my voice with everyone...to stop hurting myself and to tell people off.
8)I feel to large to be medically admitted but I guess when you are bulimic it doesnt matter...if I dont seek help I will die...and that will suck...
okay enough of a whine
love, Z
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