Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Scary news

My Father in law is sick, normally I would say take some asprin and call me in the morning but this is no joke he is really sick. He has cardio myopathy i have no I dea how to spell it but it basically means his heart muscle is deteroriating...at a pretty rapid pace...if the meds work he could live anywhere from 2 to 20 years 20 years GREAT!!! 2 not so good, I am very sad for M and even my MIL, whom I dont usually feel sorry for but right now she is scared, so she deserves some compassion.and prayers.

So being the selfish person that I am it brings to light my own mortality. We dont live forever and I had better get my act together or i could be next...I have three beautiful children who need thier mom and I dont want to die ( since they fixed my meds...) I want to live. Free... from this demon that forever haunts me.

A friend of mine lost a friend to her ED. SHe was found dead over her toilet. A shit ass way to die if you ak me, that could have been me many a times over. Her dad found her. It could have easily been my children that found me.

I take all this mortality very seriously. I need to live for my family, they need me and I cant go before my time due to me engageing with my ED. I have no choice to recover and be strong because if some thing were to happen to my FIL I need to be strong and nourished to help my family through what would be a devastating loss. He is the patriarch of the family. Strong willed and tough...someone you dont expect to get sick...he s to tough for that or so we thought...keep him in your prayers guys...keep us all in your prayers.

Oh and I dont know if there was a mix up or something but I dont leave for camp til this thursday...I will definately update when i get back cause I CANT WAIT til we get out of here...yeah for nature...I will soak it up and breath it in because that my friends is real. Back to nature sounds real good and so does the not having a mirror to body check in. I am hopeing this will be a ED free vacation. i am leaving ED at home!!!!

oh and one more thing my step son graduated from high school...way to make me feel old....

Love Z


Just Eat It! said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I hope that the meds work so that he has more time with you.

A friend once told me something that I took to heat, albeit it was a bit crude. She simply said, "This shit kills." It resonated in me. If I don't get ED out of my life, death is inevitable.

Death is the one thing that keeps me going in recovery, as morose as it sounds. I can be comfortable doing eating disorder behaviors and die, or I can be way out of my comfort zone and live a long life. I want to live a long life, even if it means I'll spend years hating myself for being in recovery.

lisalisa said...

I don't think it is selfish for your thoughts to turn to your own mortality when faced with the news of a lovedd ones illness. That is what happened when i found out about my mom's cancer. I thought "she has this illness that is going to kill her and she doesn't have a choice, and here i am throwing my life away over nothing.
You are right about your friend; that IS a shit ass way to die. I have had nightmares about my kids finding me like that, too.
incidently I have a friend who has cardiomyopathy as a result of her ED. She has to take all these heart meds and some day she will need a heart transplant or she will not live long. So it does happen to people like us. More incentive to get better!
I'm excited for you to go camping; oi cant wait to go myself. Emma gets home on sun, can you believe its almost been a month? Im going to pack as much fun into the rest of this summer as I can. No ED allowed! (hugs)

Flushed said...

I hope your father in law gets better.

And your friends loss also. After I read that one sentence I was thinking of how it could have easily been me especially in the time that I was all up in the ipecac. scary thought.

wishing you & yours well,

PTC said...

Hey Z, sorry to hear about your FIL. I hope he turns out ok. People can live with that for a long time.

I hope you have a good time camping. Eat some smores with the kids, ok!

Jena said...


Although I am really sorry to hear the bad/sad news, I am encouraged to hear that you are processing it in a healthy manner and that you are receiving this kind of like a wake-up call. I think it all has a potential to work as blessing in disguise. Stay strong, hun. Thinking of you. xoxo