Sunday, June 14, 2009

treatment and other musings

So I was admitted wenesday and discharged from IP on the next friday...let me tell you I did not have a good time refeeding consisted off 7 pounds of fluid shifting which make me look and feel like a pig fat cow....I start PHP on monday. 9-4 every day til my insurance gives out...so we will se how that lasts.

My first night there I got stuck with a meatloaf dinner:(

I gagged through but I did it!!! and thus begam my journey of learning how to eat again I wont lie to you , at first I had decieded to be a non complient patient...but I realized that it would get me no where except with a tube stuffed up my nose..my attitude quickly changed, well maybe not my attitude but my behaviors... I was on 24 hour bathroom awareness for the first 48 hous which sucked royally cause that mean I have to have a staff member around every single time I had to pee lets just say it was gobs of fun.

I wasnt allowed to go on the walks again I was pissed off the thought were if I cant get the prilages why should I bother eating...but that was an ED thought not a rational one so I trudged foward one moment at a time doing what I needed to do to get in the right mindset to do PHP...cause man alive I wanted out...

they added some meds and my mood became more stable (which is good cause I was on the verge sveral times...

We had a family meeting with my mom where we talked about boundries and my mom crossing over teh line a bit as far as my children and every thing else in my life goes. I was scared as hell but my T up there was great and she helped to mediate teh entire situation which turned a little hostle at times.

I was released just in time to see Zack man graduate preschool which freaking awsome...so cute and funny I will post pics later...

The kids were glad to have me back and I am glad to be back, I need them and I need to get better, I wont lie the thoughts are still there and very strong but I am following the program and doing what I need to do to get better.

I am scared as hell to let this ED go but I will cause man I do love my kids and they deserve a better life tehn what I am giving them, I realize now that killing myself would cause them more heartache and they have really had enough crap in thier lives...they deserve better and I am starting think maybe I do to...

slowly i am comeing around...slowly

Love, Z

10 comments:

Telstaar said...

Hunni, I'm glad to hear that you're "okay" given the circumstances. It really sounds like you're on a precipice and you can choose to keep moving forward, slowly slowly OR you can slip backwards into the awfulness of the eating disorder. Please choose life Tara cause seriously, I'm not entirely sure you can survive going backwards again and YOU are far too important, not just your kids.

Do whatever it takes. I really hope PHP goes well (can I ask what PHP stands for - I know IP = inpatient, IOP = intensive outpatient, but what is PHP initials?).

I will be thinking and praying. Please email ANY time seriously! I cannot always respond instantly, but I'll be reading and responding as quickly as possible.

Oooooh I want to hug you A LOT.

YAY on Zach's grad. Do you have pic's of the little man???

*hugs*

Missed you girl,
Love Telly xo

PTC said...

Hey Z.

I'd say "welcome back," but honestly, I think they let you out way too soon. I think you need to be IP for at least 3 months. Sorry I'm not so optimistic here, but I think you should still be in the hospital. Good luck.

Zena said...

telly,
I am going to post pics of Zacks graduation soon I promise..PHP stands for partional hospital program..thanks for the support love,

PTC,
I ll admitt it wasnt lond enough but its all my insurance would cover..PHP willl be good for me, I can do this I just support...makeing dinner right now for step son and his girlfriend and I am not flipping, a good start I thinks

Love, Z

Flushed Again said...

Careful not get admitted again sweetie. It's a new beginning.

Bests.

lisalisa said...

So glad to hear from you! Sounds like it was rough but you are doing well- i feel you on the fluid retention, it suxs. But sometimes you have to go thruogh some discomfort in recovery. Did you get the card I sent? Sorry it took me a few days to get it in the mail so it might not have made it before you got out. I thought you would be there a long time so i thought I had more time to send one plus i tend to procrastinate! I hope php is going well- stay with it even though it is hard! I'm so glad you got to see your son's grad, that is so special!

((hugs))

firefly said...

Zena:I'm glad you are out! It sounds like things are a bit better. I think talking to your mom about boundaries was a good thing even if it may be hard. Good luck tomorrow!

Tiger said...

Glad to hear that you're feeling so positive about recovery! You can do this, but you already know that!

Dee said...

PHP is Partial Hospitalization Program.

instead of staying in a hospital to get support groups for therapy, they have the all day.

they will use your out pat hospitalizion if they keep you for more than 6 weeks.

i was in one in January.

firefly said...

Hay Girl: Looks like I'm going to be communicating with you by messaging etc. I'm proud that you are doing this. I know it is hard but you will see the otherside.Keep working the program! You are so worth it!

lisalisa said...

just wondering how the php is going? Do you go for breakfast lunch and dinner? I hope you are settling ok- I know coming out of IP can be an adjustment sometimes. stay strong and hold on to the progness you have made- I'm sure it is tempting to restrict and lose the weight you gained, but don't do it! Remember- your life is worth fighting for!