Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Please lets skip september

Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be oct. 1st

yes it will

I will close my eyes and click my heels 3 times and wish with all my might.

I can not handle september.

The month must be skipped.

if you are new or have been under a rock for the last nearly 6 months..



Mikes birthday month, he will have been 40 on the 13th,

Our wedding anniversary month, it would have been the 8th on the 22nd

and now its the 6 month aniversary of his death...( the certificate says march 19th, but I know it was the 18th) but whatever...september 19th...6 months

plus I have 2 weddingto go to, one I am in, and the other will be my fathers 4th marriage


Im closing my eyes and wishing right now...tomorrow will be october

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Key to a sunday morning...

3 beautiful children.

1 sunny morning.

2 cups of flour.

2 tablespoons sugar

some baking powder..

a little salt..

2 tablespoons vegtable oil.

warm maple syrup.

waking up knowing that making pancakes with your children, is a memory that you just created ( again:)

Alyssa is pouring the batter onto the skillet,

Isaiah mixed the batter...

and zack is sleeping on the couch ( hopefully the smell will make him up soon)!

I believe the Key is not the Sun, nor the pancakes, but its my kids, they are the Key to this morning, the key to every morning to come...and yes they are the only ones who have the key to my heart.

Happy Sunday Guys, may your morning be filled with sunshine, pancakes and love!!

Love, Tara

ps tried to post a pic of alyssas pancakes but my photo option seems to have disappeared..what up with dat?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

A bit better

I think.

The day is still a bit early, slightly after 9 am. The last few days have felt like a living hell, alternateing between waves of convulsive sobbing ( which dont worry occurs in the solace of my bathtub as I dont want my children to see me) yes they believe mommys tummy hurts but thats better then the alternative. The other emotion...the emotion I loath, fear, feel disgust at....anger...no I cant feel that..no, its wrong, stop it, dont say it... I have yelled at my kids, not because of the anger but because since all this happened thier behavior has been horrendous, they each see DR. B 1x a week then I see her with all of us 1xs a week, right now she is not on the mvp panel ( she will be hopefully by next week but this has been costing me 225 dollars every week for the last 3 months ( april and may she was on the panel but was taking herself off due to logistics, but she has moved and now will be on the panel...its just a waiting game) if you did the math that is 900 dollars a month just for thier appt. its very stressing especially when I try so hard to do what she tells me and it doesnt seem to work, ALyssa is sdoing allot of grief work and some behavioral, and Zack is doing allot of behaviorial and some grief, she is going to be starting him on "rage" track, she has workbooks and exercises and the lot to try to help him through this, when asked to identify emotions on a chart he could only identify 1..anger.."how do you know its anger? she asked "I want to use my fists to hurt someone" he said..and he does, mainly alyssa and me, it hurts horriably physically yes but emotionally its devastating, he is BECOMEING his dad. DR. asked about our family mental illness history, clearly she already knows mine, and that clearly Mike was a depressed alcoholic, but before that...what?? I dont really know and his parents wont tell me anything, he was fine boy, just a boy..although clearly he was not to start binge drinking at age 12 and continue doing so until his death at 39...SOMETHING was going on...

anyway that doesnt seem like Im doing better does it??

well I am sorta..

I hadnt slept in 5 days...maybe a total of 8 hrs in total durning that time but last night ( thankgod) I slept for 3 hrs..then 2 more..then another 3...oh thats 8 yeah...in one day thats great I dont feel spectacular but I feel like maybe I can face the day...I saw S on tuesday, we talked allot ( as usual) she was a hard ass, but also let me cry ( as usual) and has emailed me everyday since then...numerous emails..I answer she responds...it goes on a while ( maybe I should get her on G-chat..lol) but shes been very good, she sent me a wonderful email last night I cant remember it all right now but i will right inmy journal, it was about "parenting is not about perfection, it is about doing what we can to ensure that our children know we love them, that we will always be there and take care of them, that sometimes showing our love means we have to raise our voices ( ie yell) to ensure thier safety, so they are able to learn that mom can love them and not love thier behavior, but whether or not I like thier behavior my love will never go away...That parenting is about molding our children into who they are meant to be not who we think they should be, that all we can do is show them and teach them our morals and values and hope that some of what we say sticks...parenting is not about perfection...it is about love."

I needed to hear that, I think part of my semi breakdown was/is due that I feel I failing miserably at being a single parent, I feel like I am failing them, that its all on me and Im not rising to the challange. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of relaspe ( no action just thoughts) I couldnt figure out why other then me saying well Im just fat...cop out.

Why am I thinking about relasping, I will tell you..because if I relaspe and I am sick and I am a less then par parent, it can be fixed with recovery, but if I am in recovery and I am still a lousy parent then I am just inept...and that feeling ...it feels so horriable...so horriable that I couldnt face my fear..but I feel like know I can..Im going to try, Im going to try to do this, all of it...

Its a bit better..not by much..but its a bit..and Im going to hold onto that, that today is a bit better, and today I can see a little hope..and thats all I can do....see the hope, and try to hold onto it.

Love, Tara

Monday, August 23, 2010

Yes he did..

I said it.

I took it back

I was crying

she didnt know what i meant

but I did

and he did

he left us

he did

he chose to leave

and its a secret i know

and they dont

and it aches

it aches so much

they cant know

but i do

its not fair

none of it

my pain...thiers

it makes no difference

that I know

he did

he made the choice

yes he did

he left us

we are alone

and I hold the secret within me

and I am so



Im so afraid, I can articulate the fear that is consuming me, I feel frozen, stuck, so scared...It hit me last night as I made dinner for the first time here, we sat we ate, I cleaned up and I froze, Im alone, I dont have partner. These children are my sole responsibility. I am responsible for all their needs, wants, happiness, It is I that buys and makes their food, pays the bills, takes them to appointments, plays with them, does their reading, holds them when they cry, comforts and disciplines. I am here ALONE. Its hitting me all over again, like a brand new hell. The loss of him feels greater then 3 days ago, I layed in bed and sobbed in grief, in fear, in panic...unable to even speak with a friend who has been thier 100% completely through this entire thing, I couldnt carry on a conversation. My blanket covered with tears and snot...I barely slept, and I am sat here under a (different) blanket shaking and trembling in fear...I was nervous but excited, now I am terrified, and I miss him so much, It feels so completely wrong to have moved to a new place and hes not here. I know they feel it to, I want to go home,I repeated that over an over again last night...the problem...I dont know where that is...all i know is my heart, it hurts and it wants to go home.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

My new Pad :)

okay so you all know me and pic posting dont go smoothly...my captions never come up under my pics...so lets play a game...I will post the pics and you figure out what pic is what room:)
1 is my Kitchen, 2 are of my boys chilaxing when they first woke up in our living room ( alyssa was still asleep), 1 is of my "work" space..hmmm is that my blog up there:), and there is one of well part of thier playroom...there are also 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but I dont feel like taking anymore pics, beside blogger only lets me post 5 at a time for some resaon...its probably me but oh well...okay now GUESS!!!

love, Tara

Friday, August 20, 2010

Im moving


suprizingly I have yet to have a panic attack :) and yes it suprizing!!!

clearly I know have WI FI, just hooked up apx 8 min ago.

half of my furniture is going to be delivered in 1 hour.

The other half will be moved from me madre's to here tomorrow.

I will have like 25 boxes to unpack.

But I already organized my whole Kitchen and both bathrooms.

I cant wait til my living room and Kitchen furniture get here.

Oh and guess what I hung up my window treatments ALL BY MYSELF!!!

yep I used a screw driver and a hammer and Im still in one peice...holy shiz, Im becoming a man!

SO yeah GUYs Im on my own for the first time EVER!

Lets see if I can keep my shiz together...no wait I know I can :)

So from now on this blog will journel my life a new...scary thought, but much needed.

Post pics soon, when it looks pretty!

Love, Love,

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Zacks 6th birthday!!!

Zack I think for about 3.5 hrs forgot about everything but fun, it was a beautiful day. He was surrounding by about 20 friends, swimming, bouncing on a 30ft, bounce and slide ( water sprays out the top so when you run and slide...you slide 30 ft, down on your belly into the other end of the bounce wall) eating cotton candy ( yes I rented a cotton candy machine learned how to use it...thinking my next job will be at a carnival :) ) opening gifts and eating cake...he just ran around and played..he had fun, we all did.

It was a very good day thrown in amoung to many bad ones, but as the last guest left, reality hit him, his saddness and anger was back...and he uttered these words "I dont have a dad, I dont care mommy...I dont care who you find, I just want a dad.." and my heart broke again for 500th time over the last 5 months.

Fun is all well and good, but if I could heal his heart I would give every penny I have....just to see my boy smile at the sun....just because...well its there.


I love you Zack, I will forever do what I can to see you happy again...one day you feel peace and joy just because...and until then..I will do whatever it takes.

Love, Mom

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I cant even think to write...

Guys, Im so broken

I dont even know where to begin...

My sisters one whom is getting married in a huge hoopla wedding in 2.5 weeks and the other who just graduated law scholl are not speaking. I cant even describe to you all the reasons why, they both have reasons...but...its soooo heartbreaking.

law school sister is refusing to be in wedding

wedding sister says if she isnt in the weddingand happy about it law sister is cut out of her life for ever

law school sister says she hates wedding sister and wants her out of her life anyway...

and well

my kids are seeing all of this

They have seen so much and lost so much in thier young lives and now for the only 2 aunts who see them to be at war, its very very upsetting.

and for my sisters not to see that life is to short for such hatered (and that it what it is, this is not some fight, they have both used the words hate and lifetime in the same sentence) its really aweful, and its breaking me even more then I already am...im at a lose, I dont know what to do or say anymore, niether of them can see past thier own noses and its so so sad.

I am moving in 9 days the wedding is in 16, 1 month from tomorrow would have been Mikes 40th birthday, 1 month and 6 days from now will be the 6 month aniversary of his death and 1 month and 9 days from now would have been our 8th wedding anniversary...if I make it through the next 6 weeks it will prove I can do anything...but right now I dont know how I m going to make it...

my heart feels shattered


please dear GOD let my sisters work this out...

Love, Tara

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Lisa needs our prayers...

Hey guys,

Lisa, from This girls life is in serious need of our thoughts and prayers. Her life has just been flipped upside down, I dont know any details except that her and her family our okay but she just lost everything in a flood, Im only writting this so that we may all send our positive thoughts and prayers out to her and her family, Im not sure what type of internet access she has and hopefully she will be able to update us soon...but for now, lets just send her all the good vibes we have, Im sure she needs them right now.

Love, Tara

blogger is peeving me off cause it wont embed the link to her blog, but its on my blogroll so if you dont know her and want to...its there

stupid blogger

okay love love

Sunday, August 8, 2010

and the Bible says it best!

Is not all human life a struggle? Job 7:1

I struggle as we all do...

God is with me (us), God loves me (us), God is on my (our) side.

I will not not give up on my struggle!

" Now if there were no mountains, Lord I might forget to pray. If there were no trials, I might even stray. Lord dont move that mountain, just give me the strength to climb, and dear Lord dont forget to remind me you walk beside all the way."

My life it seems as have many others have been nothing but mountains, I am forever seeming to climb and slide back down. But that is life, The declaration of Independence states that we were given the right to life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness, it said nothing about a GUARANTEE for happiness. And really what is it that would make me happy? Wealth. Health. Freedom. No sorrow. No pain. Thinness. Perfection. What if I had all those things and I was still sad? What if none of that would bring me peace? Clearly I have had some of those things and was still miserable, so what I must doo is just keep climbing. Every mountain that I reach I will climb knowing my joy comes in the satisfaction of reaching the top. There will always be some mountain to climb, there will always be some struggle, but I will continue on my pursuit....of happiness, life, joy, peace and freedom and I will take solace in knowing that even if I never achieve those things here on earth, heaven will be all the sweeter when I arrive (50+ yrs from now). I will no longer cry that my struggles are to much to bare, that the pain is to great and that I cant possiablly survive, God will help me through, he is walking beside me, so though I am weary and weak and I struggle ..."Is not all human life a struggle? Job 7:1" yep it is, Im no different then the rest of the world...except I KNOW God is on my side.
and he is on yours too.

I struggle but its okay.

God will see me through.

I will be better then okay.

I will climb my mountains.

and I will be glad that they are there because the view from the top is sure to be amazing...(even though Iam afraid of heights...god will see me through that too :) )

Love, Tara

Friday, August 6, 2010

Holy Mother F'er...

I am moving.

I have contractors at MY house.

I have to buy all new shit as I got rid of all of Mikes and my stuff.

My sister is getting married in 4 weeks.

I am in the wedding.

I feel like a balloned elephant.

I had to try my dress on this morning as I have a fitting today...(I have avoided this due to the fact that I have gained since I bought it 5 months ago)

It just fits.

If I gain a pound it will not (well it will make me very uncomfortable)


my answer....


Im under super stress, and to boot I look like a hungry hippo...

Im very sorry as I seem to be a dissapointment to all lately ( my mother as made it very well known to me how I am completely inept)

I might as well do what I do best...Come on Anorexia here I come...

Hey If I m gonna feel like shit regaurdless THEN I would rather feel like shit and be thin then shit and fat.

yes I should be past this all by now.

but Im not

just add it to the list of failures your keeping (mom)


I was fucking stupid for ever even thinking that I could do it...that I deserved it...

Fuck it.


right this moment...

I feel completely unhinged

and hungry

good, I should be hungry, I look at myself and want to vomit.


well there I said it.

and seriously if that freaking chick (tenny21 something) makes some nasty comment on how this makes me a shit mother, I might just totally fucking ape shit.

Right now this is my reality, ,my truth, my blog....no point in lying.

now I must go shower and try not to gag.

yep todays gonna be great:(

Monday, August 2, 2010

If I were a Tree..

My roots would be deep and keep me grounded

I would soak my nutrients from the soil of the Earth

My water would come from the heavens

I would flourish and bring forth fruit

I would create oxygen and give life


I am not a Tree

I am not grounded

water scares me

What gives me nutrients scares me

I can bare no fruit

I can not breath

and so

I am




the end

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Grave

I went to his grave yesterday

I hadnt been in 2 and half months

I really dont like going

I cry so hard


The kids have asked repeatedly over the last month to ( they hadnt been yet, as I didnt think they were ready) but now I guess they are...sorta

Zack wanted to dig him up to see him again...and he tried..he asked how far down 6ft was...

to far I said

Why couldnt we just keep Alyssa asked...

I didnt know what to say except, that when people die they are buried, Its hard and it hurts but that the way it has always been so no we could not just "keep" him

children know nothing of decomposition

I was not about to tell him that daddy is really no longer there that what is left is just to unspeakable for me to think about

They all left things for him

I cried

Alyssa cried

Zack again tried to dig him up

Isaiah played in the grass and dirt...then cried a little

I hate this

This has not gotten easier its only harder EVERYDAY

135 days and we are still living in a fresh hell

I dont see it getting better soon

My children are so broken

Thier pain is to much to bare

I ache everyday for them...for myself..but for them it hurts even worse...

People say..."TIME"


Time has not been our friend

WE have been robbed of time


all we have left is what seems to be Time...endless time of pain and heartache...

really they deserved so much better

and I cant make it right for them

now I will go take a hot shower, sob, and try to burn the pain of out my soul with scalding water...

It wont work


I dont know what else to do.