Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Please lets skip september

Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be oct. 1st

yes it will

I will close my eyes and click my heels 3 times and wish with all my might.

I can not handle september.

The month must be skipped.

if you are new or have been under a rock for the last nearly 6 months..



Mikes birthday month, he will have been 40 on the 13th,

Our wedding anniversary month, it would have been the 8th on the 22nd

and now its the 6 month aniversary of his death...( the certificate says march 19th, but I know it was the 18th) but whatever...september 19th...6 months

plus I have 2 weddingto go to, one I am in, and the other will be my fathers 4th marriage


Im closing my eyes and wishing right now...tomorrow will be october


Lisa said...

I wish I had the perfect words to make it october for you...or to comfort you somehow...I'm sorry you're dealing with this...

stay strong and take care of yourself...the best you can


Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie. May is a hard month for me- my father committed suicide four days before my birthday, I had a miscarriage two years ago right around mother's day, and this year another family member died unexpectedly. I know what you mean about rough months. Just take it a moment at a time, remember the good, and hug those kids of yours. And ask for help or support when you need it. I'll be thinking of you.

Eating Alone said...

So glad to see the post from you. I was just thinking about you when I checked and saw it.

I'm sorry that Sept will be hard for you but you are in a new place and will make it.

I have no idea's on the how to handle all the stuff but I would do something special on his birthday with the kids. Help to remember him in a postive light. But I don't know if that's the right thing or not. Heck I guess no one knows the right thing to do. Just do the best you can.

Take care. David

S.A. said...

I am so sorry for you, you'll be in my prayers. Be strong!

Zena said...

thankyou all very much, I just a good 70 min ( what should have been a 50 min session) sobbing with S, about everything, september, my kids, the door they smashed on my big toe that ripped half yes half my nail off, that I didnt recover along time ago, that it should have been me that died, that Im not cut out to do this, Im a failure...blahhhh blahhhh...I walked in crying and left...sobbing ( out the back door so as to not face whomever she kept waiting and so that my snot filled face could slip out incognito)... I am realizing more and more every day with the mask of my eating disorder as my identity, I do not like who I am AT ALL...I mean...I feel sooo sooo low about myself and my abilitys that its really hard to see any positive, which leaves me begging to crawl back to my eating disorder...This RAW pain right now...seems impossiable to endure...Im doing it...but i dont want to, Im actually crying again, I already cried so hard my contact floated away...its either somewhere in the back of my eye or on S's couch, Im hoping the later but Im sure its in my eye, Im lucky like that...yeah pity party on me...anyway, i will be taking a pretty little white pill that for some reason I stopped taking 5 weeks ago and OCD stuff is back in hyper speed ( oh yeah pdoc just happened to call my snotty ass as I was driving home from S) I have been instructed to go take the pill NOW, and when I graduate from medical school then maybe then may I take my pill taking decisions into my own hands...yup I doing spendid...well only 4 more days til the wedding...thenI dont have to keep my shit together for appearences sake...then I can just cry...like in the open, instead of in S's office or my bathtub :(

Love you all and thankyou


kris said...

I'm so sorry to hear all you're going through :(

Maybe, although this month will be hard for you, there will be positive things mixed into each day. Maybe the kids will bring home funny stories from school, maybe your sister's wedding will be a chance for you to see people you haven't seen in a long time... I guess I'm just saying that even when things aren't easy, there can still be little bits of good mixed in and I hope that will hold true for you throughout the month.


belinda said...

each day will pass
i know it's no consolation but october will come. it will and you will make it thru. x

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Again, I wish I knew what to say. All I can say is I am so sorry.

I wish the whole damn year was over. I wish I could hibernate and wake up from this nightmare. I live between hope and despair, anger and trying to be brave. I am not very good at comforting anyone since David left, because my heart feels shattered and I just want to hurry and get better and maybe he will walk through that door and this nightmare will be over.

But i do care and offer you hugs and love. It's not much these days; I am in a fog much of the time. But it doesn't mean I have stopped caring.

Please take care of yourself.

Love, Angela

Zena said...


sweetie, I know you care darling and you are going through so much, never feel you need to justify your care, I am praying for you that god intervines and delivers you with a divine healing, david heart will open and the love that is still there renews its going to be okay...we both will.

Love Tara