I went to his grave yesterday
I hadnt been in 2 and half months
I really dont like going
I cry so hard
The kids have asked repeatedly over the last month to ( they hadnt been yet, as I didnt think they were ready) but now I guess they are...sorta
Zack wanted to dig him up to see him again...and he tried..he asked how far down 6ft was...
to far I said
Why couldnt we just keep Alyssa asked...
I didnt know what to say except, that when people die they are buried, Its hard and it hurts but that the way it has always been so no we could not just "keep" him
children know nothing of decomposition
I was not about to tell him that daddy is really no longer there that what is left is just to unspeakable for me to think about
They all left things for him
Zack again tried to dig him up
Isaiah played in the grass and dirt...then cried a little
I hate this
This has not gotten easier its only harder EVERYDAY
135 days and we are still living in a fresh hell
I dont see it getting better soon
My children are so broken
Thier pain is to much to bare
I ache everyday for them...for myself..but for them it hurts even worse...
I say FUCK TIME
Time has not been our friend
WE have been robbed of time
all we have left is what seems to be Time...endless time of pain and heartache...
really they deserved so much better
and I cant make it right for them
now I will go take a hot shower, sob, and try to burn the pain of out my soul with scalding water...
It wont work
I dont know what else to do.