Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Grave

I went to his grave yesterday

I hadnt been in 2 and half months

I really dont like going

I cry so hard

but

The kids have asked repeatedly over the last month to ( they hadnt been yet, as I didnt think they were ready) but now I guess they are...sorta

Zack wanted to dig him up to see him again...and he tried..he asked how far down 6ft was...

to far I said

Why couldnt we just keep Alyssa asked...

I didnt know what to say except, that when people die they are buried, Its hard and it hurts but that the way it has always been so no we could not just "keep" him

children know nothing of decomposition

I was not about to tell him that daddy is really no longer there that what is left is just to unspeakable for me to think about

They all left things for him

I cried

Alyssa cried

Zack again tried to dig him up

Isaiah played in the grass and dirt...then cried a little

I hate this

This has not gotten easier its only harder EVERYDAY

135 days and we are still living in a fresh hell

I dont see it getting better soon

My children are so broken

Thier pain is to much to bare

I ache everyday for them...for myself..but for them it hurts even worse...

People say..."TIME"

I say FUCK TIME

Time has not been our friend

WE have been robbed of time

but

all we have left is what seems to be Time...endless time of pain and heartache...

really they deserved so much better

and I cant make it right for them

now I will go take a hot shower, sob, and try to burn the pain of out my soul with scalding water...

It wont work

but

I dont know what else to do.

Tara

8 comments:

flaweddesign said...

this brought tears to my eyes. you are so brave to live each day...all 135 so far...with your children. your strength is unbelievable. you're right, fuck time. nobody knows that to say so that's what comes out. time doesn't change who you lost or seal the hole in your heart or comfort your lonely spirit that could only be comforted by the man you chose to be with til the end.

i can't imagine how hard the calls must be to make and the answers to give to questions, actions to take (like going to the grave), and protection of innocence vs ....i don't even know.

i do know you are an amazing mother. just by reading your posts. you make it through each day not only you but with your children. moving forward or staying still for a bit...but never leaving them and thus, bringing yourself along.

my heart aches for you and your family. it is not fair. and i don't know what 'to say'. but you are brave and strong and you will make it and you are a stellar example for your children (which they may never recognize until they are adults themselves) - protecting and exposing. i just cannot imagine...

*hugs*
jules

Zena said...

Jules,
now we are both in tears, but its okay...thankyou so much for your kind words, I know you too are going through great grief, thankyou so much for takingthe time to write..to support me...to tell me I am doing it right...

((hugs))

Tara

kris said...

I also think you're a wonderful mother -- waiting to take the children to see the grave, answering their questions at a time when you just want to cry and helping them through this time when it's so hard to help yourself through are just more reasons to exemplify that. I wish I knew more to say other than saying that you sound like a good mother and a strong person.

We lost my grandfather around this time last year, and it's been very hard for my grandmother since then. I don't know if a person can really say it gets any easier with time -- I think maybe the person just gets more used to dealing with the loss everyday. I know that she joined a grief support group at a nearby hospital and said it helps to talk with others who have lost their husbands or wives (they aren't all old people either), I don't know if you've considered anything like that. I can't imagine going through what you're going through -- and I don't know if I would feel like talking about it with others in a support group, but I just wanted to mention it in case it's something that might be of interest to you.

I'm really sorry that you and your children, family and friends have to go through all of this. I hope that you all get to have some happy times mixed in to keep you going. I think your children are probably going to really admire you more and more as they get older and begin to understand more. You will be a great role model to them, that's for sure.

I know internet "hugs" might not be of much comfort, but I'm sending some your way! ((hugs))

Zena said...

Kris,
again thankyou so much, I really dont have words to express the gratitude I feel when I read comments such as yours and Jules, thankyou does not seem like a strong enough word. I pray that one day my children will feel okay, that their brokeness becomes less and less. They asked to go to the grave again today but (thankgod) we ran out of time as they had to meet with Mikes parents something that happens very rarely so they didnt want to miss it, I know I should relish the time that I have alone and it is only a few hours but I ache without them here, I fear something will happen to them and I will be left here without them. I have them in therapy and we talk allot I hope they feel they can tell me anything, I think that its true, they seem to anyway...On the support group thing, I actually made a call and set up for a consultation for a suicide support group but after consulting with S (my T) she felt it best that I not do that right now, as I ruminate so much on his death already and speaking about even more...listening to others stories and rehashing how he died and that I cant accept it would only further my obsession with his death, I do work on grief with her but she also believes I need to do as much as I can to push the thoughts away, I do have a very close very who is going through the exact same thing as I and I find great comfort in talking with her, as we were friends before our partners died, so we can also talk about other things as well. anyway I am so grateful for your comment, really to know people care, they may not know the pain but accept and try to encourage me...well Im just very grateful.

Love, Tara

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Oh Tara, I'm so very sorry. I felt so sad after reading this; it makes me want to cry. I don't know how time can heal this, I don't know if there is enough time.

I wish I could be there to hug you. I wish I could say something that made sense. You are a very good mother, a mother who loves and protects her children and this will help them.

It's been hell and it will continue to be hell for a long time, but you are not alone. We are all here, thinking and praying for you and hoping some day you might have some measure of peace.

I just cannot imagine your pain. I wish ...

Eating Alone said...

I'm sorry about the kids, and you. It does suck but, sorry for the phrase, in time they will feel diffrent about it.

Give you all a big from me.

firefly said...

Hey T: You are so right that time does not heal all pain. The whole that has been left can't be refilled. Life can never go back to normal and that sucks! My wish for you my friend is to be able to go on. I know somedays that is even hard. I love you and the kids. It hurts to see you all in so much pain. Hugs!

belinda said...

hey lovely,
you know what...
time fucking sucks!
i remember everyone saying that to me, oh time heals.. in time you'll feel better etc etc
fuck off i thought
and you know what else?
they were right.
yups, i have hard days but i also have good days. 135 days is still so early and i think you are expecting yourself to be "over" the grief. take it easy my love, don't be hard on yourself. you are doing this. you shouldn't have to but here we are hon, living the life that God mapped out for us.
here for you always. x