Monday, August 23, 2010

Panicked

Im so afraid, I can articulate the fear that is consuming me, I feel frozen, stuck, so scared...It hit me last night as I made dinner for the first time here, we sat we ate, I cleaned up and I froze, Im alone, I dont have partner. These children are my sole responsibility. I am responsible for all their needs, wants, happiness, It is I that buys and makes their food, pays the bills, takes them to appointments, plays with them, does their reading, holds them when they cry, comforts and disciplines. I am here ALONE. Its hitting me all over again, like a brand new hell. The loss of him feels greater then 3 days ago, I layed in bed and sobbed in grief, in fear, in panic...unable to even speak with a friend who has been thier 100% completely through this entire thing, I couldnt carry on a conversation. My blanket covered with tears and snot...I barely slept, and I am sat here under a (different) blanket shaking and trembling in fear...I was nervous but excited, now I am terrified, and I miss him so much, It feels so completely wrong to have moved to a new place and hes not here. I know they feel it to, I want to go home,I repeated that over an over again last night...the problem...I dont know where that is...all i know is my heart, it hurts and it wants to go home.

Tara

6 comments:

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I am so sorry. I wish I could do something. This must be so hard; I can't even imagine ...

All I can offer is my love and hugs. Please hang in there and keep talking, don't keep it inside. Message me if you need to and I think I sent you my number if you wanted to call (it's also on my FB profile.)

Stay safe. {{{Hugs}}}

Angela

Eating Alone said...

It will get better. It will take time. You did the right thing. Use this place to build up new memories. You CAN do this. You WILL do this.

Zena said...

Thankyou both very much, but I have to tell you its been an aweful day so far...more tears then not, anxiety that wont quit...and just an overwhelming sense of hopelessness

Zena said...

Its almost 3, my sister is comeing to sit with me for a bit, Im a mess, my stomch hurts from anxiety, Im keeping it together in front of my kids ( which is SOOOO important durning this transition) Im thinking of calling S, I didnt esxpect to feel this way, Im so afraid, I keep checking and rechecking the doors front and back, and cleaning and recleaning the same things, namely the floors and bathtub, my washer isnt working so Im upset that soon the laundry will be piled it will be overwhelming and it wont get done...Im so upset..Im beside myself
blahhhh help

belinda said...

i know you will be ok
and i know this is really bloody hard!
where is home for you?
they say home is where the heart is.. for me, this was a huge factor in the transition. i have now come to learn that wherever i lay my head at night, is home, even if it is temporary because i have my heart, my memories etc. nobody can take this from you.

transitions are difficult at the best of times and i know you are not a fan of change. believe me though hon, this too, is doable.

Dee said...

I have to agree with everyone, you will be ok. It may not seem like it and it may take a while but you will be ok.

I know everyone grieves differently and many lives with "shame or guilty" ...but you have to know Tara...YOU are here, now and your kids needs you as much as you needed him.

It will take time....but you will be ok and you do have a lot of support.

Safe & comforting hugz!
Dee