Thursday, August 26, 2010

A bit better

I think.

The day is still a bit early, slightly after 9 am. The last few days have felt like a living hell, alternateing between waves of convulsive sobbing ( which dont worry occurs in the solace of my bathtub as I dont want my children to see me) yes they believe mommys tummy hurts but thats better then the alternative. The other emotion...the emotion I loath, fear, feel disgust I cant feel, its wrong, stop it, dont say it... I have yelled at my kids, not because of the anger but because since all this happened thier behavior has been horrendous, they each see DR. B 1x a week then I see her with all of us 1xs a week, right now she is not on the mvp panel ( she will be hopefully by next week but this has been costing me 225 dollars every week for the last 3 months ( april and may she was on the panel but was taking herself off due to logistics, but she has moved and now will be on the panel...its just a waiting game) if you did the math that is 900 dollars a month just for thier appt. its very stressing especially when I try so hard to do what she tells me and it doesnt seem to work, ALyssa is sdoing allot of grief work and some behavioral, and Zack is doing allot of behaviorial and some grief, she is going to be starting him on "rage" track, she has workbooks and exercises and the lot to try to help him through this, when asked to identify emotions on a chart he could only identify 1..anger.."how do you know its anger? she asked "I want to use my fists to hurt someone" he said..and he does, mainly alyssa and me, it hurts horriably physically yes but emotionally its devastating, he is BECOMEING his dad. DR. asked about our family mental illness history, clearly she already knows mine, and that clearly Mike was a depressed alcoholic, but before that...what?? I dont really know and his parents wont tell me anything, he was fine boy, just a boy..although clearly he was not to start binge drinking at age 12 and continue doing so until his death at 39...SOMETHING was going on...

anyway that doesnt seem like Im doing better does it??

well I am sorta..

I hadnt slept in 5 days...maybe a total of 8 hrs in total durning that time but last night ( thankgod) I slept for 3 hrs..then 2 more..then another 3...oh thats 8 one day thats great I dont feel spectacular but I feel like maybe I can face the day...I saw S on tuesday, we talked allot ( as usual) she was a hard ass, but also let me cry ( as usual) and has emailed me everyday since then...numerous emails..I answer she goes on a while ( maybe I should get her on but shes been very good, she sent me a wonderful email last night I cant remember it all right now but i will right inmy journal, it was about "parenting is not about perfection, it is about doing what we can to ensure that our children know we love them, that we will always be there and take care of them, that sometimes showing our love means we have to raise our voices ( ie yell) to ensure thier safety, so they are able to learn that mom can love them and not love thier behavior, but whether or not I like thier behavior my love will never go away...That parenting is about molding our children into who they are meant to be not who we think they should be, that all we can do is show them and teach them our morals and values and hope that some of what we say sticks...parenting is not about is about love."

I needed to hear that, I think part of my semi breakdown was/is due that I feel I failing miserably at being a single parent, I feel like I am failing them, that its all on me and Im not rising to the challange. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of relaspe ( no action just thoughts) I couldnt figure out why other then me saying well Im just fat...cop out.

Why am I thinking about relasping, I will tell you..because if I relaspe and I am sick and I am a less then par parent, it can be fixed with recovery, but if I am in recovery and I am still a lousy parent then I am just inept...and that feeling feels so horriable that I couldnt face my fear..but I feel like know I can..Im going to try, Im going to try to do this, all of it...

Its a bit better..not by much..but its a bit..and Im going to hold onto that, that today is a bit better, and today I can see a little hope..and thats all I can do....see the hope, and try to hold onto it.

Love, Tara


Inside the Mind of a... said...

You can do it. You can stay in recovery. Stay strong hold on. Recovery is hard as freaking hell and we all understand and know that. You are strong enough to stand through this storm. Do it for you and your children. You can do it


Melanie said...

Stay strong. You can do this.

Eating Alone said...

Your being very hard on yourself most of the time. Your doing so well and trying your best. That is all you can do! Please remember your doing your best for your kids and yourself. You were in so much pain and still are, it doesn't just go away, but it becomes bearable. The way that it does is with all the hard work you and kids are doing. That much work just wears you down sometimes.


Big cyber hug to all of you.

Zena said...

You are all so wonderful, Im trying , and trying, I saw S again today and we talked more about why I feel I am failing them, and its not about the fact that I am not doing as I am suppossed to its that I havent seen the results yet, and that of course will come in time, time ..time ..time...Its just so hard to work at this and it feels so futile but I know that consistantcy is the key and eventuallt it will pan out, eventually we will be whole thing I am concerned about is that DR. B has mentioned that she thinks Zack might have ADHD, that terrifies me, I DO NOT WANT MY SON ON MEDICATION...he is 6yrs old. I dont want it, Dr.B is going the behavioral route first and will continue to do so, we will see what happens in school, first grade is a big adjustment, 3 hrs a day to 7, lots more desk work and less hands on, we will see if he can stay focused, he seem sto have a hard time with that, he cant even watch a movie, even 30 mon tv shows are to much for him most of the time, but he can and does very well in sports, (able to stay focused and participate) I think maybe its more of anxiety thing where he feels like he needs to move allot...anyway, I could go on and on about concern for my darling, all I can do is continue on the path that I am on, and pray.

Thankyou all for your beautiful, kind words, I will stay strong its all I can the very least I will act "as if"...

Love, Tara

lisalisa said...

(((hugs my friend)))

kris said...

I think just the fact that you put so much thought into taking good care of your kids makes you a wonderful mother! It's very obvious that you care about them and love them. S is right that parenting cannot be perfect and that it's about love.