Friday, August 6, 2010

Holy Mother F'er...

I am moving.

I have contractors at MY house.

I have to buy all new shit as I got rid of all of Mikes and my stuff.

My sister is getting married in 4 weeks.

I am in the wedding.

I feel like a balloned elephant.

I had to try my dress on this morning as I have a fitting today...(I have avoided this due to the fact that I have gained since I bought it 5 months ago)

It just fits.

If I gain a pound it will not (well it will make me very uncomfortable)

SO

my answer....

FUCK FOOD!!!

Im under super stress, and to boot I look like a hungry hippo...

Im very sorry as I seem to be a dissapointment to all lately ( my mother as made it very well known to me how I am completely inept)

I might as well do what I do best...Come on Anorexia here I come...

Hey If I m gonna feel like shit regaurdless THEN I would rather feel like shit and be thin then shit and fat.

yes I should be past this all by now.

but Im not

just add it to the list of failures your keeping (mom)

Tara=Recovery

I was fucking stupid for ever even thinking that I could do it...that I deserved it...

Fuck it.

FUCK IT ALL.

right this moment...

I feel completely unhinged

and hungry

good, I should be hungry, I look at myself and want to vomit.

okay

well there I said it.

and seriously if that freaking chick (tenny21 something) makes some nasty comment on how this makes me a shit mother, I might just totally fucking ape shit.

Right now this is my reality, ,my truth, my blog....no point in lying.

now I must go shower and try not to gag.

yep todays gonna be great:(

8 comments:

凱v胡倫 said...

謝謝大大無私分享 感恩唷(>o<)............................................................

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. Please don't go back to anorexia. Try to remember how hard it is to recover.

I wish there was more I could do, but I'm here. Try to do something - you don't want to go back, that's just the frustration and hurt and anger talking. I'm trying like hell to get my weight back up and it sucks; you don't want that.

{{{hugs}}}

I will be praying for you. Just try to remember how much recovery can suck. I mean, I know it's worth it, but the process just sucks. You don't want to do this. I mean, part of you does, I'm sure. But the healthy part deep down doesn't.

Remember - don't give up. Please.

belinda said...

they say that moving is one of lifes biggest stressors. it doesn't seem like it should be after everything you've been thru.. but it's a fact, moving stresses everyone and on top of all the other shit, well.. hon, it's hard. i'm sorry.

anorexia is a bitch
a lying low life that has no respect for you or for me (nor for M nor D), the short term is always tempting but we are here for the long haul. i would expect you be tempted with september looming but i promise it wont make things better. you know that.

Xx

lisalisa said...

Who says you are a bad mom? That's ridiculous!

I just want to remind you that you cannot starve away your problems. They will still be there, waiting for you, when you decide to hop back on the wagon. Sure, you may be able to use the anorexia to numb your feelings and distract yourself for awhile. But ask yourself, seriously, when has anorexia ever made your life better?

Of course I know you know this. Sometimes its just good to be reminded :)

XOLisa

Zena said...

thankyou loves...yesterday was a ummm well just a lousy day as has been the last well ...I am reading what I wrote an d it seems a bit self indulgent. I m sorry... I need to get my head back a little, I know I need perspective, and its all a matter of that...I just feel defeated, angry, bitter and a wee bit exhausted..all will be well...eventually

Love, Tara

Cat said...

hang in there, you can do it!! Ed is a tricky one, full of false promises. I can guarantee life without ed is ten thousand times better. Your body is not the problem.

lifewithcurves@blogspot.com

kris said...

I hope you're feeling a bit better today :)

Geez I hate HATE HATE dress fittings. I think moving is stressful to everyone and I also think that dress fittings are even more stressful (to everyone). Actually, it seems like a 100% normal reaction to want to lose weight, and maybe even consider turning to anorexia to aid in the process, after having to worry about a dress fitting. And the thing is, you cannot win with a dress fitting -- it gets to small and you want to lose to get back to where it fits just right, it gets too big and they make it smaller! I think it's impossible not to feel like the darn dress is NEVER the right size... and in the long run, it's not even the dress that matters -- it's being there support your sister at her wedding and being a part of her big day. But I am just like you when it comes to the whole dress fitting thing, and I tend to focus a lot on how it fits etc too. Just know that you are stronger than the anorexia and better than the silly dress size.

The hell that is anorexia is not worth it just for a dress that, likely, will never fit exactly how you wish it would (or maybe it will... but it won't be because anorexia!).

((hugs)) and good luck with the moving, the wedding and everything else you have going on in life right now :)

Zena said...

Kris,
Thankyou so much for your kind words, and I know "its not about the dress" I know no matter what it will never be right, which is pretty much how I feel about everything right now, which Im sure is an expression of how my life has drasticlly changed in the last 5 months...changing my outside will not change my inside, and I will not succumb to the feelings that restriction would give me as it is only temporary fix to my turmoil, sigh...press foward..I must ..no choice.