Monday, November 21, 2011


doing something that you are completely ashamed of....and having an eating disorder dont mix because the two "feed" off each other, I found out today that I did something (which I dont care to mention) incrediably horriable while being extremely drunk the other night and ED has loved every minute of it, I have yet to eat today, and seeing thats its nearly 9 I most likely wont, well I had milk in my coffee...I started clinical rotation today then ran for an hour and as soon as I stopped running like the second I stopped I was flooded with the shame all over humilated, I want to hide, but I cant, I have to face these people ( who by the way think what happened is rather comical, I however do NOT) so being somewhere unfamilar mixed with shame and a little guilt thrown in for fun, my ED is having a field day and it has just right now dawned on me that the 4 day holiday I get this week comes along with thanksgiving, you know the big holiday that revolves completely around FOOD!!! for hells sake I cant catch a break, I would really like to go to bed wed and not wake up til mon. but that wont happen, thankgod I see S tomorrow, she will be thrilled with my behavior after nearly 2 weeks of doing well, im such a fuck up.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I can post again...

I think I can say that at least for right this minute I am going to be okay. I have followed my mp since wed. It was really tough to hear what my team had to say, S was very worried and upset, where she couldnt really keep it hidden ( I have been seeing her for 10 yrs) she said she thought by christmas I would be in the hospital (medical) and she was afraid that since I refuse to make an apt with the Ed doc that I might not get the help in time, considering what happened 3.5 yrs ago with my heart and it pretty much failing to the point that I was admitted for 12 days at the age of 28 on the cardiac floor, well that says allot, then after seeing K on wed. she was getting kinda snippy and I point blank asked if she was mad at me and since i have been seeing her for 5 yrs she was like "No, I am just so fustrated that I cant help you, nothing I say or do helps, you dont text me when I ask you to, you dont call, you dont bring in the food to eat with me and S, its like you just want this to happen." and the thing is I dont, I feel completely overtaken by my ocd, stuck, frozen. But my kids and school and OUR FUTURES depend solely on me, and I will not let them suffer because thier mother cant get a hold of her own mental illness, I have a good hold on the bipolar, the meds are finally working anxiety is supper high but Im not manic or depressed, but that will only last so long without eating, the meds need protien to work, anyway, I feel a bit more confident, im still very ritualistic, and everything must be just so, but I am eating, my dinner is actually cooking right now, I was meant to have some Wang bowl from chipolties but I walked in and couldnt I didnt know how anything was made so I am making the pretty much same thing here, rice, black beans, chicken, salsa all on a salad, kinda nervous as its a ton of food, but she says I need it, I already talked with her today and if I run the 6 miles I need to eat for it, so I m gonna.

okay lovers, wish me luck and that I stay this strong

Love, Tara

Monday, November 7, 2011

Maslow's theory and the idiot girl who knows nothing.

Friday Nov. 4th was a pretty horriable day.  Last class of the day and we were discussing Maslow's theory. The pyrimid of the hierarchy of human needs, the bottom tier being basic needs such as oxygen, food, water ect. The top tier being self actualization. Pretty much feeling complete in life, socially, finacially, feel like you will continue to evolve, but are content in your life, you have high self esteem, you are not worried about things like what people will think of your oppinions, you are comfortable. YOU ARE HAPPY WITH LIFE.

Well this twit of a girl ( who happens to know about mike and his suicide) took it apon herself to state that she read a "study" that people who have reached the self actualization stage feel that they have completed everything there is in life so they KILL THEMSELVES.  Which if she even had bothered to read the lecture she would have seen that in that stage we still CONTINUE to evolve.  Well as you can imagine I became very upset and tried to state my case that suicide is something that occurs when someone who has a mental illness reaches thier breaking point, you never hear of someone killing themselves because they are just so dam happy right? Yes, this girl was a fuck wit and I was highly upset by her "theory" but even more upset that she refused to listen to any other statements regaurding her not only ignorant but highly WRONG statements. I all of the sudden burst into tears, and ran from the room.  I couldnt stop crying.  I was unbelieveably triggered and nearly had a panic attack in the bathroom, I cried for a full on 30 mins at school, thankfully I had some wonderful classmates who helped me through a very difficult time.  Unfortunately I have been having flashbacks and panic attacks all weekend, I can not stop the thoughts, Im not sure why this triggered such a reaction, I have talked about Mikes suicide at lenth and am able to talk about it and able to educate others on mental illness but this, this statement took away everything that I believe to be true, people suicide because they seen life has nothing to offer, that thier pain will never end and they can not see a way out, NOT because the were so freaking happy.

I think maybe part of it was that she was giving such misinformation, so skewed from the truth I couldnt handle hearing one more word and add that to the fact that she KNEW my story and how sick Mike was and still proceded to carry on with this nonsense, with no regaurd for my feelings and no problem argueing with me just to make herself seem more knowledgable. It was a combination of rage and grief swirled into one horriable moment,  and I felt completely out of control.  I hate that this girl had so much power over me and that her false statements impacted me so much but they did and they still are.

I shook while driving to school this morning with the thought of having to face this girl who knew how much she was hurting me and continued to do so, I want my head to stop spinning, I want the rumination to stop, I have been trying to ground myself all weekend but havent done so well, my one and only consoulation is that she is now hated by the entire class as now EVERYONE knows about mike, but also what a complete ass she is.

so thats the story of Maslow and the idiot girl

The End