Saturday, November 12, 2011

I can post again...

I think I can say that at least for right this minute I am going to be okay. I have followed my mp since wed. It was really tough to hear what my team had to say, S was very worried and upset, where she couldnt really keep it hidden ( I have been seeing her for 10 yrs) she said she thought by christmas I would be in the hospital (medical) and she was afraid that since I refuse to make an apt with the Ed doc that I might not get the help in time, considering what happened 3.5 yrs ago with my heart and it pretty much failing to the point that I was admitted for 12 days at the age of 28 on the cardiac floor, well that says allot, then after seeing K on wed. she was getting kinda snippy and I point blank asked if she was mad at me and since i have been seeing her for 5 yrs she was like "No, I am just so fustrated that I cant help you, nothing I say or do helps, you dont text me when I ask you to, you dont call, you dont bring in the food to eat with me and S, its like you just want this to happen." and the thing is I dont, I feel completely overtaken by my ocd, stuck, frozen. But my kids and school and OUR FUTURES depend solely on me, and I will not let them suffer because thier mother cant get a hold of her own mental illness, I have a good hold on the bipolar, the meds are finally working anxiety is supper high but Im not manic or depressed, but that will only last so long without eating, the meds need protien to work, anyway, I feel a bit more confident, im still very ritualistic, and everything must be just so, but I am eating, my dinner is actually cooking right now, I was meant to have some Wang bowl from chipolties but I walked in and couldnt I didnt know how anything was made so I am making the pretty much same thing here, rice, black beans, chicken, salsa all on a salad, kinda nervous as its a ton of food, but she says I need it, I already talked with her today and if I run the 6 miles I need to eat for it, so I m gonna.

okay lovers, wish me luck and that I stay this strong

Love, Tara


Sairs said...

I know it's really hard to keep on going when you are stuck. It's great that you stuck to your mp since wednesday and I think you really do need to listen to your treatment team. I know when ED has a hold on you, it tells you to ignore them but please try and ignore the thoughts. I am worried about you!

Telstaar said...

Well done on following your mp that's fantastic hun. Keep pushing through. I know there is a lot of pressure around the future of your kids depending on you and that is true, BUT you also deserve a future and to smile, so don't let the ed (or other illnesses) take that away from you.

Thinking of and praying for you xoxo

belinda said...

why did you not tell me things were so bad? (naughty girl!) anyway, i am happy to read that you have turned it around. not always the most easiest of steps but def in the right direction :)

don't forget you have to be stable, strong and around to be an auntie one day too! ;)

love you.x

firefly said...

Tara: What I wouldn't give to have a team that cares as much about me as yours does about you. I'd answer those texts, take food to your apts if that's what it takes to make it through. You are so very lucky that they care and are that encouraging. Maybe until you can keep up with your mp you should stop running because you know if you are running you need more. Hugs! One meal at a time but take advantage of the help being offered. Sarah