Monday, November 21, 2011

shame

doing something that you are completely ashamed of....and having an eating disorder dont mix because the two "feed" off each other, I found out today that I did something (which I dont care to mention) incrediably horriable while being extremely drunk the other night and ED has loved every minute of it, I have yet to eat today, and seeing thats its nearly 9 I most likely wont, well I had milk in my coffee...I started clinical rotation today then ran for an hour and as soon as I stopped running like the second I stopped I was flooded with the shame all over again...im humilated, I want to hide, but I cant, I have to face these people ( who by the way think what happened is rather comical, I however do NOT) so being somewhere unfamilar mixed with shame and a little guilt thrown in for fun, my ED is having a field day and it has just right now dawned on me that the 4 day holiday I get this week comes along with thanksgiving, you know the big holiday that revolves completely around FOOD!!! for hells sake I cant catch a break, I would really like to go to bed wed and not wake up til mon. but that wont happen, thankgod I see S tomorrow, she will be thrilled with my behavior after nearly 2 weeks of doing well, im such a fuck up.

3 comments:

Angela E. Gambrel said...

Don't let this derail you. And please call when you feel up to it.

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela

belinda said...

oy!
you are in trouble! you were meant to chat with me about this earlier in the week.

you have not done anything bad. your friends are telling you it is ok. the only person making the judgement is you. maybe e/d wants an "excuse" to come back in? i'd be very wary of this. punishing yourself does not change the event nor the future view of the event. all is does is create more anxiety, stress & sickness.

the only thing you can control is your breath. do this slowly and with respect to your lungs. focus on the sounds, on a candle, on the now. you ARE ok (apart from being in trouble).

x

KnowledgeMaven said...

Agreed...don't let this derail you. It's been a few weeks, how are you doing? Also please note that I've selected your blog for the Versatile Blogger's Award. Congrats!