Friday, March 20, 2009

medical admission???

They are talking about medically admitting me on monday or tuesday. I cant, cant stable my potassium...S thinks I am being conpletly irrational, that I am not thinking straight...that I need 5-6 days of good solid nutrition. blahhhhh...it all sucks, she called me selfish today and that hurt like hell. She also said I am conpletely blocked, that I am doing everything in my power to keep my ED...well I am scared shitless to let go of my ED...scared shitless I tell you.

1)I am having a sleepover tonight with A and 2 other little girls...one of the moms is staying for a couple of hours, shes a friend of mine and we are going to talk about my depression and my ED...that should fun, no really it should be enlighting.

2)The kids are playing outside in the sunshine and I would be out there too if the baby werent inside sleeping inside..maybe I will sit on the front porch on paint.

3)I am starting to get back into painting which is good, its a distraction, which is good.

4)K called S and told her I was going to die...and S agrees...le sigh..

5)Im sad cause I dont want to leave my kids again, its going to break thier poor little hearts but it would break thier hearts even more if I were dead, I just have to keep reminding myself of that...

6)My mom is really sick and I feel bad for her cause I am putting more stress on her with all my crap.

7)M is telling me right now I need to start useing my voice with everyone...to stop hurting myself and to tell people off.

8)I feel to large to be medically admitted but I guess when you are bulimic it doesnt matter...if I dont seek help I will die...and that will suck...

okay enough of a whine

love, Z

9 comments:

PTC said...

You will die, and I think it will happen sooner than you think it will. I hope they do admit you, but that's just a temporary solution.

Zena said...

PTC,
I know you are right but I am complete denial...really are things that bad??? I cant see it, I think its some collosol joke...like everyone is trying to scare me straight...anyway I painted for a bit and feel a bit better...back to the kiddies

love, Z

Lil said...

I don't think you are in denial at all. I think you know exactly what you're doing and I think it is selfish just like S said.
You can stabalize your potassium- you just don't want to. You want to be admitted and this is what you have been waiting for- an escape...yet again. If you truly didn't want to leave your children- again, than you would do what needs to be done including finding a way to keep your labs stable.

When you made the decision to have kids you made the decision to take care of them- by keeping your ED you aren't fully capable of doing this. That isn't fair to them and they have no say in it at all.
You don't have to be medically unstable- it is only if you want to be. You don't have to go in the hospital- that is only if you want to. And you for sure as hell do not have to die and leave them here without an amazing mom that you can be and are- that will only happen if you keep doing what you are choosing to do.

You are playing with fire and one of these days, sadly, you are going to get burned. And then, you won't be able to undo any of it.
Please think about what you are doing...for them...the beautiful kids you have whom love you so much and only have one mom -You.

PTC said...

Things ARE THAT BAD

Zena said...

lil,
I dont even know who you are but you dont know me...I am trying..I havent purged yet today, I handed my Laxatives to S today, and I just took my potassium supplement. I am entrenched in my ED, it seems to have more power over me then anything...its a very scary feeling to be comlpetely out of control... I think you if you are who I think you are should know that ED is a very powerful disease and it over takes your body and your mind. My tx team thinks if I can just get medically stable I will be able to think straight and I will start making better decisions, I became enraged at my mother the other day from trying to keep me from my ED, and I never yell at my mother. I am getting really scared cause everyone is so worried but I cant see it, I just cant.

Z

Lil said...

You are right, we don't know each other. I did not mean to come across in attack-mode. I just read what I read and it makes me sad to know that you don't believe you are capable of change. I do understand the depths of an ED- but I also know the strength we can possess if we want to when we want to.
I know that it can feel like there is no other way but to succumb to the ED and all it's BS- but that isn't the case. It will be crazy hard- it will take every last bit of strength left inside and it will take all the willpower you can muster to fight it and not give in. But..in the end it can be done. And you proved it by not purging today, handing over your laxatives and taking your supplement. Doing these things...again and again is what will win the battle.
I'm not in any way saying things aren't bad for you, but what I was implying was- you can try to stop making them worse for yourself by listening to your team, reaching out to them like you did today and taking your supplemnts to avoid further loss of potassium.
You have it in you.

Telstaar said...

*huggles*

Oh hunni, I know medical admissions are scary and overwhelming, but it ISN"T about weight. If they want to admit you, then you need to be there! It's not about how much you weigh or what is going on outside, the fact is INSIDE your body you need help. Its relatively rare that people with eating disorders have screwy labs so the fact that you do means you need help NOW. Please take it sweetie! You might not be ready to let go of the ed, but at least choose hosp for now!

Praying for you xoxo

Jena said...

Zena,

You're having medical complications right? And that's why you're needing the hospital. Potassium levels being "off" are extremely dangerous and can't simply be treated by eating some bananas. If your doctor says you need medical attention, then I would probably believe him. I know you would go, and that you know you know treatment. But I want to write to you a note about my own experience with the hospital and also being in denial.

I didn't think it was serious AT ALL when I was forced to go to the hospital from my pdoc's office. She didn't trust me. She told me if I tried to leave, she'd call the cops (they do that here, it's the mental health act). She thought I was too much of a risk to die, and that my mental state was out of this world.

I thought she was reading into everything way too much, like she's the crazy one, not me. And it's really not a big deal. I looked normal, I seemed normal, I felt normal some of the time... I knew there were huge aspects of life that were NOT normal and NOT well, but I ignored them most of the time and got away with it.

But here's the thing. I got to the hospital, started treatment, and I had to be there 2 months before they'd let me out. AND, when I was done, my memory of when I was admitted was almost completely absent. I truly was sick. Can you imagine, having treatment and then not being able to remember 2 months ago at the peak of disaster? Scary. I had absolutely no insight then. I was in denial and I didn't see it.

When someone is truly sick mentally, it's not possible to really see it within because we lack insight. Insight is something you can't have when you're sick. You can have some when you're better, but you have to trust others to make judgment calls for you and your health.

Right now, you NEED TO TRUST your care providers and do what they say if you want to live. You are sick and you don't believe it. You are making bad judgment calls right now, because of being sick and not having enough insight with this.

Just something to think about. I really felt like I could relate to you in a way, in this post.

I've written posts about my experiences with insight because it's really humbling- if you want to read them, there's a link on my blog...

Zena said...

Jena,
thankyou so much for your words of support they really mean allot to me...I know that I am not thinking clearly..I am being sneaky and manipulative and its hard for me to see it. I am having trouble remembering yesterday so I know that once I get tx it will all be a blur, I wont even remember how bad it really was...I wish I could see it NOW!!!

Lil,

thanks for your constructive critisim...sometimes its just really hard to hear...like I know what I am doing but I dont at that the same time...your first post came across as quite harsh but I understand where you are comeing from...i need to pull it together for my kids..but I know I need help to do it.

tel,
I know labs dont drop for no reason and I have been in this position before last year around this time...I keep thinking what got me here again?? thanks for your unconditional support..it means the world to me.

Love, Z