hey there folks well ...I did it I confronted my father on a lot of shit and I put it out there that he has boundary issues and that he touches me in ways that are inappropriate and you know what no one died...I feel okay...not great but okay. S said I did a great job, she put her hand on my shoulder in a very comforting way and said I am so proud of you...it felt good and motherly and supportive, the session I think could not have gone better, hes even going to come back in 6-8 weeks..get ready for the freak out again:)
S gave me this little art kit for my recovery tool box, it has pastels and paper and pencils and its pretty cool, all in its own little case..she rocks!!!
He still lied about allot of stuff and I knew I wasnt going to get all the answers I wanted but I think I was heard and thats what is/was important. WE talked about how he treated me different then my sisters how at age 8 I was made the go between for him and my mother. we talked about my need to make everything perfect and to put it in a neat little box and spare it from any pain...its what i tryed to do as a child and what I still try to do now with my ED.
its a very strong word
I try to contain all my feelings in my Eating disordered little box, like they are mine and no one else can see or know about them...but today I let some of them out and it feels okay...raw but okay, I am dealing and i will not engage in symptoms today, i will not.
I had my labs drawn today ...heres hoping all is well cause I have a little girl spending the night with A and it would be terrible if they wanted me to go to the hospital..we wont even think that way...NO NO NO.
you know I said I feel okay but as I write this I am feeling increasingly raw and not nurtured, like a scared, lost little child trying to make my way out of a deep dark forest, possibly its because I just had lunch my first meal kept down in a while and I am refusing to give into urges...but I feel raw.
S made me feel safe i want to go back there and feel that safety of her hand on my shoulder, but I cant but ohhh how I want to. To feel that kind of safety is few and far between...how can I get more of that in my life without S, how can I feel that safety outside of her office...that is the question of the hour??
okay well I got 4 kiddos running around I should probably tend to them...